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Warning - this is a season 6 tag that fits after Frozen and before Abyss, featuring Jack, a Tok'Ra symbiote called Kenan, and a shower, and will quite possibly be the only story I'll ever write in which Daniel is still in an ascended state of being. It was written before Abyss aired so deviates from canon. For further information please read the Author's notes.
Category: humour - I hope
Season: Season 6
Spoilers: Frozen
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Language and sexual innuendo
Summary: Jack doesn't want to share his toys
Author's notes: I never expected to find myself writing a season 6 tag, being one of those who buried her head firmly in the sand at the end of Menace and who is equally firmly of the opinion that Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Sam are still happily exploring the universe together. I particularly didn't imagine writing a tag to Frozen as no way in hell could I see Jack ever agreeing to becoming a Tok'Ra. However, AU Jack (that being the Jack that the show writers are currently inflicting on us - see note above about real Jack) jumped into my head and started whinging and whining. Here's the result - a kind of fix-it. One final thing - I'm committing the cardinal sin of writing a fic based on an episode I haven't seen and purely from reading spoilers. All errors in canon are therefore my fault, but since the real writers no longer seem too bothered by what's gone before I don't really see why I should be either. Now, if I haven't put you off entirely with this snarky essay, on with the story.
Jack had done some crazy things in his time. But this? This was the dumbest thing ever. Okay, so it had some compensations, like the fact he was still alive. But - and it was a huge honking but - he had a fucking snake in his head.
He still wasn't sure quite how it happened. He could remember being sick. Real sick. And he could vaguely recall Carter standing over him, all concerned eyes and trembling upper lip. But he couldn't for the life of him, or should that be the death of him, remember agreeing to have a snake shoved in his head. And he definitely hadn't been shown the small print of the agreement or been given the chance to put down a few ground rules, like 'No talking when I'm in the shower'. In fact, come to think of it, 'No talking, period.' Damn it, but exactly what had he done to deserve Miss Chatterbox in his head? Six hours of real, proper, fully alert consciousness and all she'd done was talk, talk, talk. She was going to drive him nuts.
"Jack," her voice was gently chiding. "I just want to get to know you."
"It's O'Neill, not Jack," he snapped tersely. "I've already told you, we're not doing the first name, buddy-buddy thing, okay."
"But I only have one name."
"Well that's your loss. I'm O'Neill. You're Kanan. Got it?"
Jack was sure a symbiote wasn't capable of pouting, but he could hear the expression in her pained agreement. Now, if she'd just let him shower in peace, he could get rid of three days' worth of feverish sweat and then make a start towards getting his life back, his one-person-per-body life. He reached for the soap, or rather a handful of the grey-blue slimy algae the Tok'Ra used to clean themselves, and rubbed it between his palms in a vain attempt to create a lather.
Kanan immediately chimed in. "What are you trying to do?"
"I thought you could read my mind?" Jack replied sourly.
"Unfortunately the nature of our relationship is such that it is difficult to avoid knowing your thoughts. I was, however, attempting to preserve some illusion of privacy since you clearly dislike that particular aspect of being joined," Kanan retorted, before adopting the kind of tone an adult uses when teaching a particularly annoying child. "The cleanser does not produce a foam. Simply rub it onto your skin and then wash it off."
"Right. Rub and rinse." He glared at the pathetic trickle of water dribbling from the showerhead. "I see you guys have the same approach to water distribution as you do to passing on information." He knew the jibe had hit home from the disapproving aura he sensed in Kanan - kind of the equivalent of an internal glower. If she was going to make a habit of doing that he'd have to get his hands on some indigestion tablets because he certainly wasn't going to tone down his comments, or rather his thoughts, to please her.
"Can we get on with it?" Kanan asked. "I don't have all day, you know."
Somewhat reluctantly Jack smeared the gloop across his upper chest, wrinkling his nose at the smell. It wasn't exactly unpleasant, kind of earthy with a hint of seaweed, but he would've preferred the sharp citrus scents of the shower gel he used to steal from Daniel's locker.
Crap. The all-too-familiar sense of loss and pain that still accompanied memories of Daniel assailed him and he pulled in a sharp breath, burying the emotion deep in the vain hope Kanan wouldn't latch on to it. This blended thing was going to be a short-term affair as far as Jack was concerned, and there were definitely some things he'd much prefer to keep to himself. Fortunately she seemed more interested in his physical actions than his internal dialogue right now.
"Fascinating," she observed.
Jack gave a long-suffering sigh as he smoothed the algae across his stomach. "What can possibly be fascinating about showering? You must've done it a thousand times."
"Well, yes." There was a long pause and then she casually added, "It's just that I've never had a host with such well-developed muscle tone before."
"Crunches," Jack mumbled, refusing to be flattered by the compliment even though his fingers were providing proof that it was justified as they massaged the algae over the smooth ripples of his abdomen.
"No, actually it's, ummm, do you mind if I just...?"
Jack suddenly found his head was moving. His chin tucked towards his chest and he craned forward.
"Oh!" Kanan squealed with delight. "I have a penis."
"What the...?!" Jack snatched back control of his body. "Are you telling me...?"
"Four hosts, all female." Kanan informed him before adopting a pleading tone. "Can we just..."
"No! Absolutely not." Jack felt himself flush with embarrassment as she made it very clear what she wanted to try. "Let's get one thing straight. The penis is mine. No sharing." He caught a whisper of thought. "And no - absolutely no playing with it while I'm asleep!"
"Spoil sport." Kanan's sulky tone was pitched just right to give Jack the impression she was sitting in a corner of a school playground looking miserable while all the other kids had fun. Which was fine as far as he was concerned. No way in hell was he going to feel sorry for a snake who wanted to play with his bits and pieces. He retaliated by sending her a sharp reminder that she was a parasite who was currently enjoying a free ride wrapped around his spine.
"It's not like you haven't done it in the shower before," she wheedled, ignoring his jibe.
Jack almost inhaled a lungful of algae-enriched water as she helpfully supplied him with an appropriate memory. "That was different," he protested.
"How?"
"Well for one thing, I didn't have an audience." His hands swept across his lower back and buttocks in short angry strokes. "Let's just get one thing straight, okay? As long as you're in my head, I'm celibate. One hundred and ten percent celibate. In fact completely asexual. Not even a single libidinous thought will cross my mind."
"You're going to miss out on a lot of the fun of being a Tok'Ra," Kanan chided seductively.
Jack physically shuddered at the thought. "Will you please shut up! What has a guy got to do to get some peace?"
Kanan sighed wearily. "I can see life is going to be rather difficult given you clearly loathe everything Tok'Ra."
"Perceptive little snake, aren't you?" Jack said, sweeping a swathe of blue algae along the long, lean contours of his thigh muscles.
Kanan turned sulky. "Given your feelings, I don't understand why you agreed to the blending."
"I didn't," Jack immediately retorted.
"What?"
Jack blew out an irritated breath. "I didn't agree to being blended. I was expecting Daniel to come and glow me."
"You were what?" Kanan asked, producing a fleeting image that was nothing short of X-rated.
"Glow," Jack said loudly. "With a 'g'!" For crying out loud. Why did he get landed with a snake that had its mind permanently in the gutter?
"Oops. Sorry."
Jack ignored the insincere apology. "Look, this is how it happened, okay. Or at least, this is what I remember now, it's still a bit hazy." He pulled in a deep breath. "I was sick, right. Apparently everyone thought I was dying, including me. So Carter starts up with this 'get a snake, get a cure' idea and then, I swear to God, I saw this glowing light right behind her head. Great, I think to myself. Daniel's finally shown up - he never was great with time-keeping, but hey, can't hold that against the guy and besides he's probably still finding his feet with this whole omniscient thing. So, there I am, death standing on side of the bed with a goulish smile, Daniel shimmering like some kind of Christmas decoration on the other." He hesitated, frowning at the intangible nature of the memory and still uncertain as to exactly what he'd seen and heard. Had he perhaps imagined Daniel's presence? Or simply desired it so much his feverish brain had obliging conjured up an illusion?
"Go on," Kanan urged.
Jack gave an exasperated sigh. "And then, I woke up and found you in my head."
"I see." Kanan sounded genuinely upset. "I didn't realise. The blending was arranged so quickly, I just assumed... I'm sorry, Jack."
"O'Neill," he corrected instantly.
"I'm sorry, O'Neill," she said, duly chastened.
"Yeah well, now you understand why I'm feeling pretty screwed over," Jack continued.
"Indeed, you expected to be reunited with Daniel Jackson. Instead you ended up with me." She bathed his body with a sudden wave of sympathy. Oh boy, he was definitely going to need indigestion pills. That was worse than overdosing on Fifth Avenue bars. She continued on, her voice like warm honey. "Yes, O'Neill, I do understand. After all I've seen your dreams."
"Excuse me?"
Kanan sounded slightly embarrassed. "I did not mean to pry, but there's very little to do when you are asleep, and to be honest, O'Neill, you've been asleep for most of our acquaintance so far."
"I've been unconscious," Jack said indignantly. "There's a difference. And even if there wasn't, it doesn't give you a right to eavesdrop on my dreams."
"You are quite correct," Kanan agreed. "But it was difficult not too. This human, Daniel Jackson, is quite... attractive. I hope perhaps one day to meet him, though it would be advantageous to once again have a female host should such an eventuality occur."
Jack, standing on one foot to wash between his toes, all but lost his balance. "Please tell me you don't fancy Daniel."
"If he's even half as brave and intelligent and handsome as he appears in your dreams..." Kanan began, her voice turning wistful.
"He's not your type," Jack interrupted curtly, while trying to quell his rising nausea.
"O'Neill, we have barely begun to get to know each other. I believe I am still the best judge of who is 'my type'."
"Yeah, well, I'm telling you, Daniel definitely isn't. For one thing..." Jack hastily hunted for something to put her off. "He isn't exactly human any more."
"I am aware of this fact. However, you seem to believe that his current state as an ascended being is only temporary and that sooner or later Daniel Jackson will realise life is boring without you and return to your side where he belongs."
Jack cringed as his favourite mantra, the one thing that had given him a reason to get up each morning, was repeated back to him. "I thought you weren't going to do the mindreading thing."
"It is unavoidable with those thoughts and emotions that are strongest within you, O'Neill."
"Yeah, well... Look, could we talk about something else?" "Of course. I simply thought you would be pleased that we now have a common interest."
Jack's sarcasm sharpened his tone. "Oh yeah, fantastic. An alien snake has the hots for my buddy. Wow, do I want to spend every spare moment dwelling on that thought."
He rinsed the algae from his feet and reached for a towel. Totally unbelievable. He wasn't even aware that he dreamed of Daniel, let alone had the kind of subconscious imaginings that would make someone lust after him. Crap. Now he wouldn't even be able to sleep in peace. Stepping out of the shower he hurriedly pulled on the drab cream and brown uniform of the Tok' Ra. "Right," he said, determined to take control. "You want my help with some unfinished business?"
"Yes, O'Neill."
"And in exchange you'll get out of my head as soon as possible once it's done."
"Yes."
"Okay, and we're agreed about who is in charge of my body."
Kanan sighed. "Yes, O'Neill. Can we go now?"
"The Daniel thing?" Jack said pointedly.
There was a long moment of silence, then Kanan reluctantly replied. "You push a hard bargain, O'Neill, but yes, I promise not to drool over Daniel Jackson as long as you are my host. I will not, however, be bound by such a restriction once we part company."
"Fine, but just remember, once we've parted company I won't be bound by the need to not do you serious harm."
"Understood, O'Neill."
"Good. Then let's blow this place."
"Is that blow or glow, O'Neill?"
"Please -- shut up."
"I was just checking. I don't want to be responsible for any further confusion."
"You're gonna drive me nuts."
"Frankly, O'Neill, I think you're already nuts."
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