1. A great through ball puts you one on one with the keeper. Do You...

1. Dispatch a low drive into the bottom corner of the net.
2. Think you're Cot and put it into the next pitch.
3. Turn to face your own goal and tamely back heel it into the keeper's arms.

2. After the game, your knee swells up like a balloon. Do you...

1. Rush straight to casualty.
2. Strap it up and put some ice on it. It should be ok after a couple of days rest.
3. Attempt keyhole surgery with a knitting needle and a Swiss army knife.

3. It's 7:30. The game kicks off at 9:00. You're at a meeting in Aberdeen. Do you...

1. Check into a hotel and sample the local whisky.
2. Phone Slim on your mobile and ask him to give you a running commentary.
3. Phone Scott and insist that you will definitely be there, so tell Tommo not to bother coming.

 4. After a night on the piss, you're wife falls asleep at the bottom of the stairs in a drunken stupor. Do You...

1. Help her to bed, considerately bringing her a pint of water and two aspirin.
2. Cover her with a duvet and place a bucket near her head.
3. Fart, go to bed, and then throw up on your duvet.

 5. You discover unpleasant smelling green puss oozing from your ingrowing toenails. Do you...

1. Burn your socks on a bonfire and see a doctor immediately.
2. Wash your socks several times in a mixture of Daz and Persil.
3. Hide your socks in your brother's pillow, thus ensuring that he can't sleep for weeks due to an odd smell of soft biscuits in his bedroom.

 6. 4:00am on a stag night. Slim tells you that he can't get in his room because Scott's in there with a chick. Do you…

1. Tell Slim to piss off; you're trying to stop Cot from throwing himself out of the window.
2. Order room service worth £150 and then fall asleep before it arrives.
3. Wake the chick up and tell her - "You've had you're fun, now fuck off!"

 7. You need to get fit quick. Do you…

1. Go to the leisure  centre every day and take part in different sporting activities.
2. Join an expensive gym and go occasionally.
3. Tell everyone that you're going circuit training next week, and ask us all if we want to play football on Sundays, even though you know we can't.

 8. You need to rediscover your footballing touch. Do you…

1. Warm up by passing, dribbling, shooting and trapping the ball.
2. Warm up by blasting the ball as hard as you can at the net.
3.  Warm up by standing in front of the net and practising back heelers.