Team Turd Talk

The mystics may seek truth on the turn of a card or the roll of a rune. Others look at the stars and chart their lives on the movements of burning balls of gas billions of miles away. In the strange world of the Damon Hill Five we look at movements of the colon. Was it not that Victorian romantic poet Elizabeth Barrett Browning who first wrote "You're shit and you know you are"? How true and yet how wholly unexpected of one called Browning.

Ah yes, we know the power of the poop but how do we find the truth buried within it? Let me take you by your Marigold-clad hand and lead you on a wiffy voyage of discovery with the help of the heroes of Damon Hill. See, if you will, the uncanny link between footballer and faeces.

Player	Shit type	Meaning
Duncan	Wide	Difficult to get past. Low and heavy.
Rick	Rancid but smooth.	Very dirty and yet masking a certain sophistication.
Rob	Bullets	Small yet dangerous. Causes much obscene shouting.
Bakes	Sturdy	The bulk is achieved by occasional unexplained absences.
Tommo	Slippery	Twists and turns but remains stuck to the foot.
Brads	Varies but usually found wide of the target.	Tight shorts force aerodynamic changes resulting in this lack of direction. Lifting the left leg would correct this but is strangely impossible.
Scotty	Dribbly	Gets everywhere. The fact that it has passed through one person leads to the belief that it is possible to pass directly through the body of anyone in its way.
Slim	Bludgeoning	Strong. Almost painfully wide but does not last that long.
Cot and Chris	Constipation	No sign as yet but we are all holding our breath - at least we will be when they finally arrive.