Manager's View

Sunday night. I can't sleep. Leve Town, Leve Town said the voices repeatedly. No, it wasn't the rest of the team giving their verdict on my dazzling performance against Splash, it was those managerial demons nagging incessantly. What can we do about the gruesome twosome? Let Stakesy cause another fight and hope their whole team get sent off? Let Rick call them fucking girls? Norman Whiteside isn't under contract anymore, is he? Whatever we do Scott will get punched. The test card girl beeped away in the corner. Why can't she finish that crossword, it's not fucking hard?!? I think the pressure is beginning to tell. Suddenly the continuous beep is interrupted by a BBC test transmission. I can't believe it. It's the Match of the Day team reviewing the Damon Hill Five's November.

Des:	Hi cats! November... (Appalling Euro-pop record begins to play as VT runs) We'll be looking at the highs... (Scott plays text book one-two with Brads before his elegant body swerve sends the Legs & Co keeper the wrong way as his delightful chip hits the top corner) ...the lows... (The world's feeblest shot trickles slowly towards Phil in the Damon Hill goal. Despite getting his entire body behind it, the ball still manages to creep in) ...and the downright unusual. (Scotty passes the ball) We've got our usual team, Alan and Trevor, who'll be picking out some of the key moments from last month. Trevor.
Trevor:	Obviously it's been a good month for Damon Hill in terms of points. You can't argue with four wins out of four. They've been carrying a number of injuries and have had to bring in an inexperienced goalie. I though Phil did particularly well against Westray and wasn't really given a chance with any of the shots.
Alan:	No, no, no (shakes his head) I'm sorry. I just canna agree. Most of the shots were from long range aimed straight at his body and you would expect a keeper of his quality to have nae problem.
Des:	A touch of the Bruce Grobbelaars then?
Alan:	I'm not so sure, I don't think Phil's a scouser so we can probably rule that out.
Trevor:	Anyway, it was a good team performance with Scott and Brads devastating in front of goal.
Des:	Now. Scandal seems to follow top clubs around these days and the Damon Hill Five are no exception. On their recent tour of the Lake District rumours of all-night drinking, drug taking and the abduction of a high-powered deluxe cruise liner dingy have rocked the club.
Alan:	Aye, I believe there was also allegations of cheating in the go-kart race, which canna be helping the team.
Trevor:	On the plus side there was the hat trick of vomiting from the Medford brothers.
Des:	It's a test of the team's character to bounce back from this kind of thing. Alan, the most successful teams have always had a solid "backbone" of players.
Alan:	yes, and we could see in the game against Legs & Co that backbone: Dunc in goal, Rick in defence, Brads in midfield and Scott up front really working as a unit.
Trevor:	I think that the rest of the squad coming off the bench to do an excellent job was vital for the game against Legs & Co. I mean in the last ten minutes the Co looked totally dejected as Damon Hill controlled the game. (VT runs highlights of eight heroes destroying Legs & Co)
Des:	East Five. Well, enough said about that.
Trevor:	We've all been on the end of a good hiding...
Alan:	I have nae
Des:	What about that time you played against Man United, you lying scouse bastard? (Suddenly Jimmy Hill appears)
Jimmy:	I think at this point I must single out Norman Whiteside's disgraceful challenge which, in my view, should have resulted in the whole team being sent off for scaring the shit out of Steve McMahon.
All:	Fuck off Jimmy, you hopeless twat!!!
Jimmy:	Can I also say that my man Rob, against Splash, showed superb skill and commitment and was clearly man of the match...

At this point the transmission ended abruptly. What a fantastic analytical mind Jimmy Hill has got, I thought. Oh shit! The pressure is really starting to get to me. Let's just take each game as it comes. We want to be over the moon, not sick as parrots. I hope all this football punditry that I listen to isn't a bad influence. Funny old game, though, isn't it?