The teachings of Scotty
Many people look on Scotty as a bit of a lad, obsessed with football, drinking and women. This is not true. He is a deep and thoughtful man who's words inspire many. His followers are numerous and the description "Cult" is often whisper as he passes by. (At least that's what he thought they said). One could spend a lifetime listening to Scotty without really understanding him. He has layer after layer - like an onion. And like an onion, as you peel away the layers you find more onion; exactly the same except a bit smaller. He smells a bit oniony too. Nevertheless, written below are many of the teachings of Scotty.
Scotty motivates his followers: "Fucking hell lads, we were shit! I know we're winning but we are playing shit. Fucking hell."
Scotty on marking: "He wasn't my man!"
Scotty on women: "That bird was alright last night. Got me brown wings."
Scotty on referees: "He was a shit ref."
Scotty on massage parlors: "Yeah the woman was really fit. I told I needed the massage because of football, like. She really fancied me. So much so that we, you know, did the business. Her name's Tiffany and she said that was her real name as well. It was a bit more than they said it would cost."
Scotty on sucking a glass onto your face: "Gmgh! Gmgh!"
Scotty on counting: "I was sure I'd scored six. I know we won five-two but I was sure I got six."
Scotty on passing: (amid repeated shouts of 'pass, Scotty, pass' followed by a shot into the shins of the defender) "Where was the fucking shout, lads?"
Scotty on showers: "Can I borrow your soap, Rick?"
Scotty on being substituted: "I think I'd better go back on for Slim."
Scotty on his teammates' fitness level: "Slim's looking a bit knackered."
Scotty on meeting under the "B" at car park "B": "Sorry lads, I was under the other 'B'." - but there isn't another 'B' Scotty - "Well, just fucking fuck off then."
Scotty on sleeping for weeks with Chris's stale, gangrenous socks secretly hidden in his pillow case: "I can't sleep because of the strange smell of soft biscuits."