Who's Who

The Damon Hill Five Who's Who

Exactly who are the Damon Hill 5? The mystery has confounded the great philosophical minds of a generation. Even Scooby Doo struggled to reveal the true men within the men and only succeeded in pulling a rubber mask off Mr Gregson the janitor. Let this simply introduction provide you with your own starting point on the road to enlightenment.

Name

Overview

Other info

Current status

Dunc

The Damon's acrobatic goalkeeper. Dunc has kept us in the game on countless occasions with his agility and shot stopping ability. Defenders respect his expletive-peppered advice although this did lead to him receiving the first yellow card in the Damon Hill history.

Only player to vomit and play on as if nothing had happened.

Playing

Rick

Sturdy defender and tallest member of the team. Rick's goal scoring record is respectable but could be better if it was not for his peculiar way of curling his right foot when shooting. This has lead to his "banana foot" sobriquet and other "strange fruit" allusions.

Dirtiest play on the side but strangely proud to be so.

Playing

Bakes

Stout defender with attacking tendencies. Bakes has a fierce shot and is a great tackler. His undeniable bulk makes him a ferocious opponent in a challenge. Recently his playing career has been interrupted by injury and decorating but he seems to be well on the road to recovery.

Former fanzine editor and "statto" of the side.

Playing

Rob

Widely regarded by opposition players as a little bastard, Rob is a terrier-like defender. His forays forward are frequently fruitful and Rob's work rate and tactical awareness are also admirable. However, his warm up has been likened to someone with a bee on them.

Has the most proof of sexual potency in the side as he has sired two children with a third on the way. Shame he doesn't score so often on the pitch.

Playing

Chris

Chris has spent more time away from the side than in it as a result of work commitments. His return to the team allowed us once more to witness the wildly optimistic shots and elegantly futile back heels of his earlier playing days. Sadly, though, this run-out was only temporary and it is now unlikely that Chris will ever wear the famous strip again. Not because he won't play again but because he is now too rotund to squeeze into it.

He laughs like Stuart Hall and this must be why he is trying to change his appearance to match the foam rubber models on It's a Knockout.

Promising to make a come-back but in reality simply retired and putting on weight

Scott

A prolific striker who has also picked up the mantle of management in recent seasons. Scott's close control and clinical finishing make him a marked man in many games. He is prone to lapses in concentration and can let anger get the better of him. However, he is maturing and has recently abandoned his bubbly hairstyle.

Best remembered for accidentally sucking a pint pot onto his face and panicking in Blackpool.

Playing

Slim

In recent years he has put on substantial weight purely in the interests of irony. Slim's rôle is that of midfielder and he has scored many a poacher's goal as he oozes forward. He has missed three seasons through injury but he has now recovered from a double hernia operation. Season 17 was perhaps Slim's finest. Or perhaps not.

Can be likened to eighties player Paul McGrath because of his recurring knee problems and love of ale.

Long term knee injury but trying to get fit again.

Cot

Due to work commitments Cot has probably played his last match for Damon Hill. He was Damon's oldest player and yet he still had a young pair of legs. Sadly, they belong to his wife Rachel. Cot is a nippy winger in the Jesper Olsen mode. Although he does not possess the best close control he has a sizzler of a shot when he gets a bit of space out wide.

Although skinny his lay-off from all forms of exercise has meant that Cot has developed a bit of a gut. He now resembles a snake that's swallowed a pig.

Promising to make a come-back but in reality simply retired and putting on weight

Brads

Probably the best all round player on the side Brads fills the midfield position with authority. Only the complete lack of left footed ability and a suspicious taste in tight nylon shorts mars his player profile. His goal scoring is prolific but I just have to mention those shorts again. Sorry. Recent seasons have seen a dip in Brad's fitness level. This could be due to him having one too many of his mum's roast dinners before the game.

I still can't stop thinking about the inhuman tightness of those shorts.

Playing

Tommo

Tommo has managed to step up the number of appearances in recent years and has made an excellent contribution to the side. He combines skill with aggression to make him a useful attacking midfielder. Old rugby injuries have left him with a chicken leg.

What are those things in his boots?

Fed up with being kicked around. Retired and then turned out he was badly injured all the time.

Paul

Paul is an irregular player but fits in well. Although best suited to attacking he is a good ball winner and useful squad player. That hair though…

Due to medical reasons Paul is unable to cover his shin pads with a pair of socks.

Practically retired but wheeled out occasionally, to the gratitude of the rest of the team.

Karn

Karn has only made two appearances for the side. He has proved himself to be very valuable on the trip to Dublin. Karn is undeniably strong but the infrequency of his play leaves him a little unaware tactically. It's doubtful that Karn will play again but we will always have the memories of his Irish fannymagnetism.

No longer owes Brads 60 quid.

Not even promising to make a come-back and simply retired and putting on weight

Brian

Another squad played. Brian is pretty good on the ball and finishes well.

Looks a bit like that bloke off the fast show."Today I will mostly be wearing shorts."

Playing very occasionally

Neil

Neil the first. Another two game man. Never met him.

No comment.

Retired

Phil

Phil played in goal twice. His first appearance was like Peter Schmichel and the second was like Peter Purvis.

More into rugby.

Retired

Wayne

Scotty's mate Wayne was by far the hardest player ever to play for Damon Hill. He is a pretty good footballer but is prone to neglect his defensive duties. No wonder Scott likes him.

Could have done with him against The Nelson.

Retired

Lee

Lee broke new ground by being the first City fan to play for the team. His shooting exploits led him to pick up a few accolades but he is as defensive-minded as your average Kamikaze pilot.

Has recently had a Chinese tattoo, which translates as "forks or chopsticks?"

Promising to make a come-back and may actually do so but, for the time being simply putting on weight

Neil

Neil the second. A tricky little scamp who has finally purchased a pair of astro boots. This will stop him turning like Buster Keyton.

Neil's wife was complaining about him playing too much so he left her. Take note, other team memebers!

Playing

Eddy

Eddy shocked the footballing world by retiring from Damon Hill at the height of his career. Friends say he found the physical nature of the Ardwick game to be too much and he was last in talks with the manager of an unnamed Italian club.

The gingerest player to ever don the Damon Hill jersey.

Retired.

Name	Overview	Other info	Current status
Dunc	The Damon's acrobatic goalkeeper. Dunc has kept us in the game on countless occasions with his agility and shot stopping ability. Defenders respect his expletive-peppered advice although this did lead to him receiving the first yellow card in the Damon Hill history.	Only player to vomit and play on as if nothing had happened.	Playing
Rick	Sturdy defender and tallest member of the team. Rick's goal scoring record is respectable but could be better if it was not for his peculiar way of curling his right foot when shooting. This has lead to his "banana foot" sobriquet and other "strange fruit" allusions.	Dirtiest play on the side but strangely proud to be so.	Playing
Bakes	Stout defender with attacking tendencies. Bakes has a fierce shot and is a great tackler. His undeniable bulk makes him a ferocious opponent in a challenge. Recently his playing career has been interrupted by injury and decorating but he seems to be well on the road to recovery.	Former fanzine editor and "statto" of the side.	Playing
Rob	Widely regarded by opposition players as a little bastard, Rob is a terrier-like defender. His forays forward are frequently fruitful and Rob's work rate and tactical awareness are also admirable. However, his warm up has been likened to someone with a bee on them.	Has the most proof of sexual potency in the side as he has sired two children with a third on the way. Shame he doesn't score so often on the pitch.	Playing
Chris	Chris has spent more time away from the side than in it as a result of work commitments. His return to the team allowed us once more to witness the wildly optimistic shots and elegantly futile back heels of his earlier playing days. Sadly, though, this run-out was only temporary and it is now unlikely that Chris will ever wear the famous strip again. Not because he won't play again but because he is now too rotund to squeeze into it.	He laughs like Stuart Hall and this must be why he is trying to change his appearance to match the foam rubber models on It's a Knockout.	Promising to make a come-back but in reality simply retired and putting on weight
Scott	A prolific striker who has also picked up the mantle of management in recent seasons. Scott's close control and clinical finishing make him a marked man in many games. He is prone to lapses in concentration and can let anger get the better of him. However, he is maturing and has recently abandoned his bubbly hairstyle.	Best remembered for accidentally sucking a pint pot onto his face and panicking in Blackpool.	Playing
Slim	In recent years he has put on substantial weight purely in the interests of irony. Slim's rôle is that of midfielder and he has scored many a poacher's goal as he oozes forward. He has missed three seasons through injury but he has now recovered from a double hernia operation. Season 17 was perhaps Slim's finest. Or perhaps not.	Can be likened to eighties player Paul McGrath because of his recurring knee problems and love of ale.	Long term knee injury but trying to get fit again.
Cot	Due to work commitments Cot has probably played his last match for Damon Hill. He was Damon's oldest player and yet he still had a young pair of legs. Sadly, they belong to his wife Rachel. Cot is a nippy winger in the Jesper Olsen mode. Although he does not possess the best close control he has a sizzler of a shot when he gets a bit of space out wide.	Although skinny his lay-off from all forms of exercise has meant that Cot has developed a bit of a gut. He now resembles a snake that's swallowed a pig.	Promising to make a come-back but in reality simply retired and putting on weight
Brads	Probably the best all round player on the side Brads fills the midfield position with authority. Only the complete lack of left footed ability and a suspicious taste in tight nylon shorts mars his player profile. His goal scoring is prolific but I just have to mention those shorts again. Sorry. Recent seasons have seen a dip in Brad's fitness level. This could be due to him having one too many of his mum's roast dinners before the game.	I still can't stop thinking about the inhuman tightness of those shorts.	Playing
Tommo	Tommo has managed to step up the number of appearances in recent years and has made an excellent contribution to the side. He combines skill with aggression to make him a useful attacking midfielder. Old rugby injuries have left him with a chicken leg.	What are those things in his boots?	Fed up with being kicked around. Retired and then turned out he was badly injured all the time.
Paul	Paul is an irregular player but fits in well. Although best suited to attacking he is a good ball winner and useful squad player. That hair though…	Due to medical reasons Paul is unable to cover his shin pads with a pair of socks.	Practically retired but wheeled out occasionally, to the gratitude of the rest of the team.
Karn	Karn has only made two appearances for the side. He has proved himself to be very valuable on the trip to Dublin. Karn is undeniably strong but the infrequency of his play leaves him a little unaware tactically. It's doubtful that Karn will play again but we will always have the memories of his Irish fannymagnetism.	No longer owes Brads 60 quid.	Not even promising to make a come-back and simply retired and putting on weight
Brian	Another squad played. Brian is pretty good on the ball and finishes well.	Looks a bit like that bloke off the fast show."Today I will mostly be wearing shorts."	Playing very occasionally
Neil	Neil the first. Another two game man. Never met him.	No comment.	Retired
Phil	Phil played in goal twice. His first appearance was like Peter Schmichel and the second was like Peter Purvis.	More into rugby.	Retired
Wayne	Scotty's mate Wayne was by far the hardest player ever to play for Damon Hill. He is a pretty good footballer but is prone to neglect his defensive duties. No wonder Scott likes him.	Could have done with him against The Nelson.	Retired
Lee	Lee broke new ground by being the first City fan to play for the team. His shooting exploits led him to pick up a few accolades but he is as defensive-minded as your average Kamikaze pilot.	Has recently had a Chinese tattoo, which translates as "forks or chopsticks?"	Promising to make a come-back and may actually do so but, for the time being simply putting on weight
Neil	Neil the second. A tricky little scamp who has finally purchased a pair of astro boots. This will stop him turning like Buster Keyton.	Neil's wife was complaining about him playing too much so he left her. Take note, other team memebers!	Playing
Eddy	Eddy shocked the footballing world by retiring from Damon Hill at the height of his career. Friends say he found the physical nature of the Ardwick game to be too much and he was last in talks with the manager of an unnamed Italian club.	The gingerest player to ever don the Damon Hill jersey.	Retired.