Rename Me!

These jokes are not meant to offend anyone, most of them include strong language, if easily offended then DO NOT read them, they are meant to cheer people up, bring a smile to faces, after all there is not a lot to smile about in this crazy world.

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Rheumatoid Arthritis."

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the wicked behaviour going on.....
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help keep them going...
Do you know what the e-mail said?

NO?
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a rocking chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said.
"What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.
"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six."

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was
stiff legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are
apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're
medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could
you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
although, they do make me look a bit gay.

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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"

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My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to the charity shop to get all of her clothes back.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. 'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.'
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the
party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the fins come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.....

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body"

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
"Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
"Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
"Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
"That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
"That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
"Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
"I was looking for my father."

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

A blind man was travelling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"
The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"
The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead, and we're flying upside down!"
The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"
"Because the shit is running down my back!"

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP????

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybird?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call moustaches "mouthbrows?"

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above
"You will live to be 100."
She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."
Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!
So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.
When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus, died, and went up to heaven.
She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years.
So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognise you".

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club.
One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club
The biker asks "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool..
I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney.
At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."

People say that the kids of today are too easily influenced by television etc. and things were better when we were young but as a child I remember Tarzan strolling around practically naked, Cinderella arriving home after midnight, Pinocchio telling lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had many tattoos, and in later years, Pac-Man ran with digital music eating pills that enhanced his performance!!

This guy was driving along in a car with a blonde.
He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the indicator was working.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

There were two blondes, and they had just came out from a store.
The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

FOR SALE BY OWNER

Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition.
£1000 or best offer.

Reason for sale: No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you; I have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before," he said.
"Are you taking anything for it?"

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along a country road. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol."

Smart Ass Answer #1:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The little girl’s mother was entertaining her next door
neighbour when her little daughter walked in.
“Hello, Mrs Crabbit, are you a gardening expert?” she asked.
“No I’m not, why do you ask?” said the puzzled neighbour.
“Mum says if there’s any dirt about you’ll dig it up.”

One evening father passed his daughter’s bedroom and heard her saying her prayers. Smiling to himself, he stopped
to listen and heard her say, “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandpa, bye bye Grandma.”
How odd, thought father, but he didn’t want his daughter to know he’d been listening so he didn’t say anything to her. But
tragically, next day Grandma collapsed and died. A few months went by and one evening father heard his daughter
praying again. “God bless mummy, God bless daddy, bye bye Grandpa. No, it couldn’t mean anything thought father apprehensively, but next morning they received a telegram to say that Grandpa had passed away in his sleep!
The household got back to normal and almost a year passed before father heard his daughter again.
“God bless mummy, bye bye daddy.” Absolutely panic-stricken, father stayed up all night, too frightened to sleep in case he didn’t wake up. The next morning he walked to work instead of taking the car, in case there was an accident, and spent the day at his desk doing very little but worrying. When he got home that evening he collapsed into a chair, his nerves in pieces, and told his wife all about the nightmare day that he’d had. She replied, “You’re not the only one to have had a bad day.
This morning when I opened the front door I found the milkman dead on the front doorstep.”

While on holiday, the Seven Dwarfs visit the local convent to buy some souvenirs. They meet up with the Mother Superior
and Dopey stops to talk to her.
“Excuse me, your holy one, do you have any short nuns here?” Mother Superior is quite puzzled by the question but
replies, “Not very short, some around 5 foot.”
“Are you sure there aren’t any nuns about 3 foot in height?” he persists.
“No, no, no one like that.”
As the dwarfs leave, the Mother Superior follows them quietly down the road to try and discover the reason for such
an odd question. She overhears the other dwarfs asking him what was said, and he replies, “She said they don’t have any.”
On hearing this, the dwarfs fall about laughing and chanting: “Dopey’s f****d a penguin, Dopey’s f****d a
penguin.”

Deep in the heart of Sherwood Forest, Robin Hood was lying in bed in his cottage, only a few days from death.
“Little John,” he croaked “give me my bow and arrow and open the window. I will fire the arrow and wherever it lands,
please bury me there.” And indeed, a few days later, Robin died and having promised to carry out his final wish, Little John and the rest of the Merry Men buried Robin on top of the wardrobe.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there.?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..." I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuck.."

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

"Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the tarmac!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

My wife walked into the living room & asked me, "What's on the TV?"
I replied, "Dust".

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."
He said , "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a set of scales.

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol station.

*******************

A Ryanair flight was coming in to land at London Luton airport, when the captain flicked on the tannoy system and says, "I would like to thank you all for choosing Ryanair for your flight and I hope our service has been to your satisfaction, and you had a great holiday, we will be landing shortly."
The captain puts down the tannoy but forgets to switch it off, when the co-pilot says, "what are you going to do after we've landed skipper? "
The captain replies, "I am going to have a good shit first, then I am going to take the new blonde air hostess back to my flat and shag her senseless."
The new blonde air hostess blushing bright red realising the tannoy has not been turned off dashes from the back of the plane towards the cockpit before anything else can be said, when half way down the gangway there's an old lady of 83 sitting there with her walking stick slightly sticking out in the gangway. The blonde air hostess trips over the walking stick and lands flat on her face, to which the old lady looks down at her and says," there's no rush dear, he's going to have a good shit first ."

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her: "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware.

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.

As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.

"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck: "You mean...", he gasps, "...I can actually check my e-mail from here??"

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...
'I think the man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with 'tor' that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*****g batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

Little Johnny was the most "potty-mouthed" kid in school, looking for every chance to offer a "new " word for the rest of the kids to take home. So naturally when the teacher started a new vocabulary exercise for the class it went like this:
"OK class" "I'll give you a letter and you give me a word that starts with that letter."
"Alright then, the first letter is A"
Little Johnny wanted to go first, but had finally gotten it into his head that the teacher wanted everyone to raise their to be called on before speaking, so he was in there with his hand flailing around in the air with the rest of the class.
The teacher looked around the room to pick one of the students and knew she had better not pick Johnny...after all she knew what word she would likely get and it would probably be dirty, so she called on little Mary who sat in front of Johnny.
"Mary" said the teacher. As Mary stood up little Johnny whispered to her "Say asshole, Mary, say asshole." Mary says "Apple" and the teacher says "Thank you, Mary".
"The next letter is B" Hands shoot up, teacher scans the class and picks little Billy, who sits on Johnny's left.
"Say Bastard, Bill, Say Bastard" Billy says "Baseball".
Then the letter is C, and little Amy, on Johnny's right.
"Say cock, Amy, say cock". On and on went the exercise and the teacher was running out of choices and would soon HAVE to pick little Johnny.
She had heard him whispering to the class with each letter "Dildo", "Erection", "F**k", "Gynaecology", and so on.
26 students, 26 letters, she had finally come to end and had to call on Johnny. "And the last letter is Z, and Johnny is the only student left who has not given an answer, so Johnny your letter is Z".
Johnny was befuddled. Z? What word started with Z in his lexicon of dirty words. Z? Johnny stood up and said "uh, Z-z-z-Zebra?"
"Very good" said the teacher feeling triumphant that she had gotten an answer that did not create a problem.
"Yeah", said Johnny " A big f*****g' Zebra with wide-ass black and white stripes!"

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row ...

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR -
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

And my all time favourite... JUSTICE -
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.
The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white,
so I think we will name him...

Sum Ting Wong

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?

She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English pretty good, and it say:

POLISH REMOVER

I had a bunch of American dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank .
I chose the shortest queue ..just one guy in front of me.
He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange Yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the cashier, "Why IT change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?"
The cashier says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

A nurse at the local asylum walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davy sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davy what are you doing ??'
To which Davy replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA.

One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees...
Why do you ask Two Dogs Doing It?"

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f*****g ship?"

A man went to a pet shop and bought a talking parrot.
He took the parrot home, and tried to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead the parrot just swore at him.
After a few hours of trying to teach the bird finally the man said "If you don't stop swearing I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment."
The parrot continued, so finally the man put the bird in the freezer.
About an hour later the parrot asked the man to please open the door.
As the man took the shivering bird out of the freezer it said "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!

Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns

Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn,
Please lknvfdmv.xvn.
Sincerely,
Stevie Wonder

Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic

Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic

Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada

Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Sincerely,
1985

Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google

Dear iPhone,
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely,
Every iPhone User

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.
Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."
Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."
Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you want to play?"
Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."
The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.
Mom : "Now what do I do?"
Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you bitch, and fix that kid some friggin ice cream."

A man is stumbling through the bush totally drunk and then he comes upon a Bishop baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and subsequently bumps into the Bishop. The Bishop turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the Bishop grabs him and deeps him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't.' The Bishop, shocked with the answer, deeps him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the Bishop is worried and so he deeps the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs struggling for breath, the Bishop pulls him up. The Bishop asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

Junior had just received his brand new drivers licence.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried; "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......the little shit's name is Kevin."

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that big black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

4 men were sitting in a room together being interviewed for a new job. The interviewer told the men "I am going to ask you each one question".
Turning to the first man the interview asks "What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The first man thinks for a moment and replies "A thought, because before you even realize it that thought is in your mind"
"Good" replied the interview. He turns to the second man and says, "Ok same question. What is the fastest thing you can think of and why?"
The second man thinks and says "A blink because one second your eyes opened then closed then open before you even realize it happened."
"Good". Turning to the third man, "Same question"
"Electricity", says the third man, "because where I live on a big farm we have a light wayyyyyyy out there on the barn. I flick a switch at the house and as soon as I switch it that light comes on."
"Ok", to the forth man, "Same question."
The fourth man thinks long and hard and finally says, "diarrhoea."
The interviewer looks oddly at him and asks "Diarrhoea?"
The man says "Yeah, diarrhoea is the fastest thing I know of."
"Why do you say that?"
"Well," the man replies, "last week I had diarrhoea, so I ran to the bathroom, and before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shit my pants"

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light.

The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and strides toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.

The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.

The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand officer Butler testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

"Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

True Reports from British life! BRITISH NEWSPAPERS

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.
(The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbour master radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home.....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's
meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. "I'm
afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending
machine that should serve your purposes.

Sceptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted £10.00, and stuck his head
into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the
salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, £20.00.' "Why not?"
thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine
started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away
from Their Wives, £1.00.' The salesman looked both ways, put £1.00 in the machine,
unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the
machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out Fifteen seconds
later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member... which
now had a button sewed on the end.

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the M1. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87
year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was
amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and
you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady
asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the
man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.
He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water
until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg in this
for at least 30 minutes."

Sitting in a small restaurant, a client asked the proprietor for the menu. "We don't need a menu
here," said the proprietor, "We can serve anything you ask for."
"What, anything?" asked the client.
"Yes, anything at all." was the reply.
"In that case, I would like some camel's tail soup."
"Very well, sir, but it will take a little while, and you will have to wait a while for it."
"That's OK," said the client. He sat waiting for an hour or so, then a waiter brought a tureen of
fragrant soup. He ate the lot, and was thoroughly delighted.
He called for the proprietor. "I really enjoyed that," he said, "But surely it was not really camel's tail soup."
Rejoined the proprietor, "It certainly was. Tell you what, come with me."
The client was led to the back of the restaurant, where a Porsche was parked, and was motioned
into it. They drove about a hundred miles into the countryside, to an enormous farm. There the
client was amazed to see every possible kind of exotic plant, animal and bird.
The restaurant proprietor pointed to a compound in which there were two camels, of which one
had only a stump of a tail, bandaged, with a trace of blood.
"That's where your soup came from," he announced.
The client was absolutely flummoxed. "That is remarkable," he gasped, "but there must
sometimes be demands you can't satisfy."
"No," replied the proprietor, "we have never been caught out... Wait, no, we were once... when a
customer asked for crocodile balls on toast. .........We were clean out of bread."

The local news station was interviewing an 84-year-old lady because she had just gotten married
-- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at
84, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a
smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker
when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher
when in her 60's, and now, in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with
such diverse careers.

"Easy, son," she smiled. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go!"

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I
hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
"Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise
"Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those
should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait.
Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a
big boulder.
Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise.
The two drag the heavy boulder over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the
two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a
farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was tethered to a boulder.

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful'
in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little Ralphy.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have
an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' She pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

A 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.... The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child! So what do you think about that Doc?" The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season." "One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.... As he neared the lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge." "He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'.... Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor. The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

- At the bottom of an application where it says 'sign here' she wrote "Sagittarius".
- She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
- She tried to sort M&Ms alphabetically.
- She sold her car for petrol money.
- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "airport left" she turned around and went home.
- When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, She moved.
- She thought if she spoke her mind, She'd be speechless.
- She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evenings.

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire. "Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did. And then she said, "Do what ever you want." So, here I am.

PRESBYTERIAN When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
MOTHER-IN-LAW When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note. Romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves, and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, he sealed the package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note... Darling,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones which are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she was wearing for the past weeks, and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on and she looked smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them Friday night. All My Love, P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

Sex after death couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, "Marion ... Marion " "Is that you, Bob?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course .. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, Bob you must be in Heaven!" "Not exactly ... I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona .."

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password: MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.

A young boy walked into a bar and asked for a bottle of beer and 20 fags.
“Now, now,” smiled the barmaid, wagging her finger. “Do you want to get me into trouble?”
He replied, “Not at the moment, I just want my beer and fags.”

“Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”
“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”
“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the arse off the bird next door.”

Daddy was taking his young son for a walk in the park when they passed two dogs humping. When the boy asked his
father what was happening he told him they were making a puppy. A few days later the little boy caught his mum and
dad in the throes of sex and when he asked them what they were doing, dad replied they were making a baby.
The little boy said, “Well, can you turn mummy over, I’d much rather have a puppy.”

The wife’s mother rushed into the maternity wing to find out
how her daughter was progressing. As she entered the
waiting room, she spotted her son-in-law. Unbeknown to her,
he was listening to the cricket on his IPod.
“How’s it going?” she asked anxiously.
“Not bad,” he smiled, “they’ve got four out and there’s only
one to go.”
“Aaah,” she screamed, and fainted.

“Mummy, mummy, what’s a pussy?” asked the small boy. His
mother went to the encyclopaedia and showed him a picture of a cat.
“That’s a pussy,” she said.
“Mummy, mummy, what’s a bitch?” continued the little boy.
Again, mother consulted the encyclopaedia and showed her
son a picture of a dog.
But the boy wasn’t convinced so he went to his father and
asked him what a pussy was. Dad went to his magazine,
opened it at the centrefold and drew a circle.
“There you are, son,” he said, “that’s a pussy.”
Then the little boy asked him what a bitch was and dad
replied sadly, “Everything outside the circle, son.”

During a visit to the mental hospital, I asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' I said.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.

Do you want a bed near the window?'

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the coffee machine the next morning.
Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the coffee machine to take an aspirin.
The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'
'Could you jack off?' she says. 'I feel like shit.'

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says." Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
" Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said , "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.
Regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter.
But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life , she asked him how he had sex ?
"Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said "Oh,....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Horrified Jane said, " Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch !
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "
What the f*** did you do that for ?"
Tarzan replied, " Just checking for squirrels..."

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:
Ey, boss I not come work today I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, my legs hurt I not come work.
The boss says:
You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Carlos calls:
Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And by the way, you got a nice house.

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were, alongside the road, and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

A Dwarf with a lisp goes to a stud farm to buy a horse, "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse ?" asks the owner.
"A female horth", the dwarf replies and so the owner takes him to his finest mare.
"Nithe horth", says the dwarf, "Can I thee her eyth?".
The owner patiently picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Nithe eyth" says the dwarf, "Can I thee her teeth?".
Again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horse's teeth.
"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again,picks up the dwarf and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nithe eerth", says the dwarf, "Can I see her twot?"
With this, the owner picks up the dwarf and shoves his head deep inside the horse's vagina and holds him there for a few seconds before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says, "Perhaps I should weefwaze that, can I see her wun awound?"

A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a petrol station.....

LAST Christmas, I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "D'you get my drift?"

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?"
The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

TWO mates were having a beer and discussing their wives.
"Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked one.
"Well, in a way: I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."

A brain and a pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The jump leads take a seat and the brain gets the round in, but the bartender refuses to serve the brain.
"How come?" says the brain.
"Well," replies the bartender, "you're out of your head and your mate looks like he's gonna start something."

DAVID Hasselhoff walks into a bar and says to the barman, "I want you to call me David Hoff".
The barman replies "Sure thing Dave... no hassle."

A MAN checked into a hotel in Australia. There was a computer in his room so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.
However, he accidentally typed the wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To : My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: Oct 1, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS... It is damn hot down here !!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads called a bindi. We have always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion.
The true story has recently been revealed.

When one of these women gets married, she brings with her a dowry.
On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see if he has won either a corner shop, a sub post office, a minicab company, or a restaurant.

If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephone enquiries from Barclays Bank customers.

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.
"Magic Beer", he says.
She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to, goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,
"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"
"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.
The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."
He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.
She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."
She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.
The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a right bastard when you're drunk!"

A blonde buys and names two horses, but can never remember which is which.
A neighbour suggests that she cut off a bit of the tail of one horse, which worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's tail tore in the same place and looked exactly like the other horse's tail.
Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the ear of one horse, which worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, the blonde couldn't tell the two horses apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the horses for height. When she did that, the blonde was very pleased to find that...
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one!

It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
"What will you have?" the bartender asked.
"I'll have a glass of blood," the first replied.
"I'll have a glass of blood, too, please," said the second.
"I'll have a glass of plasma," said the third.
"OK, let me get this straight," the bartender said...
"That'll be two bloods and a blood light?"
DOH!

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to
heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"
"What do you mean?" said Dad.
"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

A white ecologist travels to Africa to begin his work with an African tribe.
One year later the tribe elder comes to him and says,
"My wife just had just a baby, and it's white.
You're the only white man within hundreds of miles of here.
EXPLAIN THIS or suffer a horrible death!"
The ecologist gulps and with some quick thinking says...
"Well, some things in nature just can't be explained.
Look at your herd of goats over there, for example.
All of them are white except for that one black goat.
This is probably like that!"
The Tribe elder nods and says, "OK, OK! - I'll keep quiet
about my white baby, if you keep quiet about the black goat!"

A schoolteacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with deskwork.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
He had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

So this grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says...
"Hey! Your a grasshopper! We have a drink named after you!".
The grasshopper says "No Way!?
You have a drink named Leonard?!".

It's 3 AM and the desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.
"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.
"What time does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "For the final time, it opens at noon,
but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you!"
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

President Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.
The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man ignored George and stared at the ceiling.
George positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again,
"Aren't you Moses?"
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again,
"HEY!... aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in a very irate voice - "YES, I AM!"
George asked him why he was so uppity & had taken so long to answer him.
The man replied - "Listen pal, and listen good..."
"The last time I spoke to a Bush, I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice-cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born... Couldn't walk for a year."

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR Stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi...
You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!" The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you f*!*!*g started it."

Fresh from a shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds!"
Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years", her husband replies.
She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says. "Worked for your f*!*!*g arse didn't it?"

A filthy rich “City Footballer” decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours including “Big Mick”. He held the party around the pool in the grounds of his mansion.” Big Mick” was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the Footballer wives and girlfriends.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating alligator in my pool and I'll give a million pounds to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw “Big Mick” in the pool! “Big Mick” was fighting the alligator and kicking its ass!
“Big Mick” was jabbing the alligator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the alligator on the tail and flipping the alligator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both “Big Mick” and the alligator were screaming and raising hell. Finally “Big Mick” strangled the alligator and let it float to the top like a Fair Ground goldfish. “Big Mick” then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, “Big Mick”, I reckon I owe you a million pounds." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said “Big Mick”. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered “Big Mick”. The host said,” Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again “Big Mick” said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, “Big Mick”, then what do you want?" “Big Mick” said, "I want the name of the f*!*!*g bitch who pushed me in the pool.

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
Not yet, said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal he asks?
Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk.
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, Are you going to tell him, or should I?

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
pants don't you?

He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
and look in the mirror!

On a wall in a ladies room . . . "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

A teacher is sat teaching a class of 6 year olds. she's reading them the story of the three little pigs. when she comes to the part where the little pig asks the farmer for some straw.
"Please can I have some straw to build a house with" the pig said, then suddenly the teacher stops looks round the class and says: "So what do you think the farmer said children?"

All of a sudden little Tommy puts his hand in the air and says: "Bloody hell it's a talking pig."

TWO women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied, still in pain, in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, "How does that feel?"
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like f****** hell."

THE Lone Ranger and Tonto went into a town and decide to have a drink as they a approach a bar they see a sign no Indians allowed in the bar.
Tonto says: "That's ok I think I'll jog around the saloon few times because I am trying to keep fit."
The Lone Ranger goes in and orders a drink he is sipping his drink when another cowboy comes in and says: "Excuse me mate have you left your injun running."

A VERY drunk man was sitting in a train compartment when a woman stepped in.
They sat silent for a while when the woman accusingly said: "You are drunk, you are very drunk".
"Yesshh, I am. And you are ugly, very ugly. But tomorrow I will
be sober".

A Cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynaecologist."

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realise she could play it in the afternoon.

A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

AS my wife and I are approaching our 63rd and 65th birthdays, respectively, we scheduled our annual medical examination the same day so we could travel together.
After my examination, the doctor said: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you
would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," I said. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining my wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and cold and chilly after the second time: "Do you know why?"
"Oh that old bastard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

TWO old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said: "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps
your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said: "Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said: "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said: "I want 5 loaves."
She said: "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the 5th loaf it'll be hard?"
He replied: "Holy crap...! Everybody in the world knows about this
Italian bread thing but ME....?!"

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old man to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the sample bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left hand. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left hand. Then she tried with her mouth, first she tried it with her teeth in and then with her teeth out, and I'm sorry but we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

A beautiful, well endowed, young lady went to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looked about the store, she noticed a box full of frogs. The sign said: "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."
The girl excitedly looked around to see if anybody was watching her and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."
The girl nodded, grabbed the box, and quickly went home. As soon as she closed the door to her apartment, she read the instructions thoroughly and carefully.
Then she followed the instructions to the letter:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice-smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog in the bed.
She quickly got into bed with the frog. To her surprise, nothing happened.
The girl was totally frustrated and quite upset. She reread the instructions and noticed that, at the bottom of the page, there was a note.
It said, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."
So, the lady called the pet store. The man said, "I had some other complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
Within five minutes, the man was ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomed him and said, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there."
The man, looking very concerned, picked up the frog, stared directly into its eyes, and sternly said, "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Three Blind (drunk) Mice!!

Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of a fellow mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are.
The Texas mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the California mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The California mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Texas mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
They both turn to the New Jersey mouse. The New Jersey mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long burp and says to the two, "I don't have time for this BS". Gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!

The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'" The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No f*!*!*g shit...what happened next?

The wife is not speaking to me at the moment just because I did not open the car door for her, it could not be helped I just panicked and swam for the surface!!

"I froze to death. It wasn't so bad, though. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."

"I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement.

"Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over and died with a massive heart attack."

A WIFE was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful ... CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL!

"You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?

The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied: "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving!"

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the f*!*!*g fat bitch in the kitchen."

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call". So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!". "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?". "At the circus", says the landlord. "The circus?", the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the landlord. "The circus?. That place with the big tent?. With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!", says the landlord. The duck looks confused, "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?"

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a gentlemen neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So, twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentlemen was passing by and asked the woman, "How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted that she did. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."

A Irishman walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Irishman is suitably impressed, and buys it.
The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!"
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Irishman says, "What's that noise?"

An oriental couple, who owned a Chinese restaurant, were fast asleep, when all of a sudden the wife sits bolt upright in bed and exclaims, "I want a 69, Right Now!!!"
Her husband wearily looks at her and queries, "Ahhh - why you want beef with fried rice this time a night???"

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

A man is lying in bed in hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth, a young student nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black"? embarrassed, the young student replies "I don't know I'm only here to wash your hands and feet", he struggles again to ask "nurse are my testicles black?" finally she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a closer look and says "there is
nothing wrong with them", finally the mans pulls off his oxygen mask and replies "that was very nice but, I asked ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mum replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off! Angrily, the woman tosses it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12-year-old daughter.
The little girl is just chatting away with her father when all of a sudden the penis smacks on the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.
Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose his 12-year-old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
The daughter sits with a confused look on her face, and after a few minutes she says, "Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"

Little Tony returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father?
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said "6'", replies Tony.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f*!*!*g difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

TWO old ladies meet at the bingo and the first old dear asks, "Did you come on the bus love?"
The second old girl replies, "Yes, but I made it seem like an asthma attack."

A Leeds farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each of them twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls
listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn."

A MAN walks into the dentist's office with a toothache, and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."
The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll go with the gas."
The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says, "Take this pill".
The man asks, "What is it?" And doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane’s cabin. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."
The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, Bitch."

Two women go out on a girls night out, walking home they are both dying for a piss so they jump over a wall into a cemetery to relieve themselves. 'Course, there's no toilet paper, so one wipes on her knickers and throws them away. The other one tears a ribbon from a bouquet and uses that.
Next day the two husbands are talking. The first says "I'm really worried about my wife, she came home with no knickers last night..
The other said "You're worried? Mine came home with a card stuck up her arse!" "It said `from all the guys at the fire station, we'll never forget you'.

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with that one!). Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Little Jimmy comes home pulling a cart with a sofa and easy chair on it, his father asks him where he came by them. Little Jimmy told him that he got them off a tramp in the park to which his father replied, " What have I told you about accepting suites off strangers"!!

A Navy pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Navy pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Navy pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

A school teacher asks her class, "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"
Little Johnny replies, "A turnip miss."
"No Johnny," says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"
"No miss," says Little Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with a turnip?"

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking
the main cause of Mad Cow disease. The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?" The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?" The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew. The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically. The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats. The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway. "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a computer voice intoned. "Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... Nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrongggggg...."

This girl walks into the drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic. He says, "What do you want with arsenic?" She said "I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman." The pharmacist says, "I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband lady, even if he is having sex with another woman." So she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says "Oh, I didn't realise you had a prescription."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,"
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to the other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back!"

Three elderly ladies were at the doctor for a cognitive reasoning test.
The doctor says to the first gal, "What is three times three?" "297," was her prompt reply. "Ummm humm," says the doc.
The doctor says to the second lady, "It's your turn now. What is three times three?" "Friday," replies the second lady.
"Ummm humm...". Then the doc says to the third, "Okay, maam, your turn. What's three times three?"
"Nine," she says. "That's wonderful!" says the doc. "Tell me, how did you get that?"
"Simple," she says, beaming... "I subtracted 297 from Friday!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious?
Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The
chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call
it: the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we
boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that
the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases
like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross
the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with
a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed,
I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens
will be free to cross roads without having their motives called
into question.

GRANDPA
A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was
good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we
were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road.
Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever
motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not
only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an
inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What
do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to
cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads
throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto
the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken
crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat,
the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She
took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice,
and asked her question. "Will I be acquitted?"

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the
snow covering them.
Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.
Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplough came by. We
had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!
Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplough did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shovelling. F*!*!*g snowplough.
Dec. 21 More of that f*!*!*g white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shovelling snow. I think the snowplough hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shovelling the driveway. ASSHOLE!!
Dec. 25 Merry F*!*!*g Christmas. More f*!*!*g snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplough, I swear I'll kill the b*****d. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f*!*!*g ice.
Dec. 27 More of the white shit last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the f*!*!*g
snowplough goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again
tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??
Dec. 28 The f*!*!*g weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplough got stuck down the road and the ASSHOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shovelling all that f*!*!*g white shit he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his
f*!*!*g head.
Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a f*!*!*g deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those f*!*!*g beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-bitch is rusting out from all the salt they put on
the roads??
May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that f*!*!*g state of
Montana!!!!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement
over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non -stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach piped up, "That's nothing... You should see the f*!*!*g back of mine!"

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he
is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new
driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to the his dad.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm going to sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years!"

A young executive was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

If you think you're having a bad day...read these true stories!

1. The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, they were both eaten by a killer whale.

2. A psychology student in New York rented out her spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving her mentally retarded.

3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los Angeles made an attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came
down eight hours short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girl friend had left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.

4. A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally.......

6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell
that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all
the credit.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in her Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. . "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?" . When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. . The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Saviour?"
But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. . "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the Nun once again said "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. . The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" . Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

A woman is approaching a very small Bistro. She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer. Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard. "Are you the boss of this Bistro?" she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.
"Ehhh. No. Not at all!" the barkeeper replies.
"Would you please call him here?" the lady asks and gently touches his hair.
"Oh, I'm very sorry. But no. Impossible!" the barkeeper sighs who has - no doubt - fun with this situation.
"Would you then please do me a great favour?" the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.
"Of course. What ever you wish!" the barkeeper moans.
"I want to leave a message for the boss!" she says and let first one - then two - fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.
"What message?" the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.
"Please tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady's toilet!"

There was this blonde girl who had gotten fed up with blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair black.
So she did, and she was sooooo happy with it that she went to her car and drove around just to show off her new look. She was
coming up to this intersection when she saw a shepherd by the road waiting to cross with his flock of lambs. The girl stopped
and waved him to pass.
While the flock was crossing the road, she asked the shepherd - "If I can guess how many sheep you got there, would you give me one?"
He thought about the offer for a minute and decided it was ok. The girl looked at the flock and exclaimed "487". The shepherd
said "WOW! That's right...well...take any sheep you like...a deal's a deal"
So she gets the animal and happily puts him in the back of her car, when the shepherd says "WAIT!
Now I have a deal for you.... if I guess the real colour of your hair can I have my dog back?"

Paddy and his blonde wife live in Ireland. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplough can get through". Paddy's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later, while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today, you must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snow- plough can get through.". So, Paddy's wife goes out and moves her car.
The next week they are having breakfast again and the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 -12 inches of snow today, you must park..." then the electricity goes out. Paddy's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do..."
Paddy says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

Rejected Greeting Card Messages!!

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
My tyre was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tyre... I noticed your cat. Sorry!
I Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret about it... She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?
Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you ... I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never believed in Hell till I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.
Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.

*******************

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and placed the same order for drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Darn! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

So you think you have problems with your computer? Check out the following true stories...

- Compaq is considering changing the command "Press any key" to "Press return key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "any" key is.

- AST technical support once had a caller complaining that "her mouse was so hard to control with the dust cover on". The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

- Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labelled the diskettes and then rolled them into the typewriter to type his labels.

- An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Faxed copies of the floppies.

- A Dell customer called to say that he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the send key.

- another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

- An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response: "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The foot pedal turned out to be the computer's mouse.

- Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked: "which power switch?"

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the f**k did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"

2 polar bears are walking around in the Artic. a father and son. The son looks up at the father and says, " Dad I got a question, are you sure I am 100% polar bear?".
The father looks at his son and says, "Yes son you are 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
They keep walking and about 20 min later the son again says: "Are you sure I am 100% polar bear?"
The father again says, "Yes son you're 100% polar bear"
"OK" the son says
Then about 30 min later the son says, "OK dad be serious are you sure I am 100% polar bear are you sure there is no black bear or grizzly bear in me??"
"Yes son you are 100% polar bear, I am 100% polar bear and so is your mother. Why do you keep asking son?" The son says, "Well I don't know about you but I am f*!*!*g freezing"

A man walks into a bar with an Ostrich and a Cat and orders 3 beers, the barman says: "that'll be $6.00 please".
With that the cat yells out " IM NOT F*****G PAYING FOR THAT !!" so the man reaches into his pocket an slaps $6.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk into the bar again, the man orders 3 beers and 3 hot dogs, the barman says ' that'll be $12.00 thanks'' the cat yells out " IM NOT F*****G PAYING FOR THAT !!". So the man reaches into his pocket and slaps $12.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk in again and the barman says to the man , ' you've come in here a few times now and each time you've had the exact change !! how come?
The man replies,' Well I found this Genie and he granted me 3 wishes, I wished for a pocket with the right change for whatever I wanted, whether it be drink, food, houses, cars etc.
'Great' replied the barman .. what else did you wish for?
"Well'' said the man that's where I f****d up. I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!!

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional. "But," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the Landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he'll buy the 5th one for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ha, that's nothing," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All of this is on the house."
The Englishman and the Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims, but he swears that it's true.
"Well," said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not meself personally, no." said the Irishman, "But it did happen to Bridget, my sister!"

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new
designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new
invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "A fottle, replies
the inventor." "A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of
something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a
folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't
possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to
hate the name of my folding bucket."

1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which
have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.

2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it
will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing
accent will do.

3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.

4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a
bank security system or the communication system of an invading
alien civilization.

5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.

6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them
than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.

8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit
a strip joint at least once.

9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by
single people with a low wage.

10) The entire British population lives in London.

11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time
while the others dance around you menacingly.

12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all
the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.

13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are
not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your
best weapons.

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private
and asks - "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis,
Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the
wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back
to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five
minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your
ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!"
says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your
ambition?" "To get to the front of the line and get the wire
brush before the other two - Sir!"

A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends
with him.

While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating
the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.

As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks
for the peanuts."

She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the
chocolate off 'em."

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself,
"It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he
thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks, "It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing
a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says,
"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten
years!", he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh
man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since
you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She
reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve,
pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic !" Then
she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front
of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been
since you've had some REAL fun?"

And the man replies, "My God ! Don't tell me that you've got a set of
f*!*!*g golf clubs in there!"

Little Johnny and Susie, each five years old, were playing Mom's & Dad's. They both decided it was time to get married. So Little Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage. "Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this was cute. "Well," said Little Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us." "And how will you live?" "I get £5 a week allowance and Susie gets £5 a week allowance. That should be enough." Getting exasperated since Little Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?" "Well," said Little Johnny, "we've been lucky so far!"

A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around. Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?" Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?" Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba" The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.
"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!"
"Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?"
"Like what?"

Rule One If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said his sceptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes would never fit you."

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a few beers the Smartie says "'here a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?". The Jelly Baby says "No way mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in." So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."
Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me" and off they go. After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking bottles over his little jelly head, hitting him with little sugary chairs and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.
Jelly Baby pulls his battered jelly baby body over to the table and wipes up his jelly baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me".
"I was" says Smartie, "but those Lockets are f*****g menthol ....!!"

There was a Rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his pay-check. After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine there was much yelling and bickering.
Finally, the Rabbi got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an act of God!"
In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up and in his frail voice said..
"Point of information - snow and rain are also 'acts of God', but we wear rubbers!"

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony". "Why don't you try role-playing, try 'playing doctor' for an hour? That's what I do," said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "That's easy...just keep her in the waiting room for 59 minutes!"

A Japanese man went to the eye doctor. The optometrist said to
the man, "Sir, I believe you have a cataract." "Oh, no" replied
the Japanese man. "I dwive a Rincon Continentaw."

Soon after Paddy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the
front office. When the Paddy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if he had received bad news.
"Sure was, Boss" he replied, "I just found out that my mother died earlier this morning.
"Gosh, that's awful," replied the foreman "Do you want the rest of the day off?"
"No," replied Paddy. "I'll finish the day out."
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him up front. This time when Paddy returned he looked twice as glum and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
"Jeez, Boss this has to be the worst day of my life," Moaned Paddy. "That was my brother, Shamus, and his mother died today too!"

*******************

Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it. Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.' The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!'
'Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another f*!*!*g hat!'

Paddy and Mary were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enrol in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him!"

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up.
Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? Days?....What?"

"Nine..." "Eight..." "Seven".."Six".........

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. While Mr. Smith could accept the fact that another man would make love to his wife to impregnate her, he didn't want to be around during 'the deed'.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to. . . . "
"Oh, no need to explain, I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a open-decked bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh . . . equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action.
Madam? Madam? . . . Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.
Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies.................
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door
of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its
starting to rain and the top is down!

A police dog responds to an ad for work with the FBI. "Well,"
says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict
requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."
Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.
"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."
This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.
"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."
With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!".
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!".
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?".
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of Irishmen laying turf across the street."

Two Irish truck drivers are barrelling along when they come up to an bridge. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

So Paddy looks at Mick and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

Air-Lingus flight 113 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot, "Holy Shit! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?", "Well we better, were almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tyres smoking.

"SHIT! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and F*****G WIDE too!"

Commuter....Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two
years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse
every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a
14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than
that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly, A Commuter

British Rail....Dear Sir: We received your letter with
reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, British Rail

Commuter....Gentlemen: I am in receipt of your letter, and I
think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you
will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will
find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is
something I have not been able to do on your trains in the last
two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster. The current rooster was still doing okay, but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barn yard. The old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me", thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this". He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself". The young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on" said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.
The two roosters went to the hen house to start the race and all the hens gathered to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Sadly, the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself........ "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month!"

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "George, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the M62 . Please be careful!"

"F*****g Hell," said George, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap.

Noah's Ark...If it happened in 2003

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said "In six months I'm going to
make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all
the evil people are destroyed.

But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of
living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an
Ark." And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the
specifications for an Ark, "Okay," said Noah, trembling with
fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd
better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long
time." Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to
fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard,
weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "where
is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But
there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit
for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet
code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got
into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system."

"Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning by
building the Ark in my front yard, I had to get a variance from
the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough
wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I had to convince the U.S. Fish and
Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they
wouldn't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."

"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labour Relations Board
before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen
carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started
gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group.
They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I
got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood."

"They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army
Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain.
So I sent them a globe. Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over
how many Croations I'm supposed to hire."

"The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to avoid
paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice
from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really
don't think I can finish the Ark for at least another five
years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched
across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, "You mean you're not
going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has!"

Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - THE BOTH OF US?"

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

A Woman Gets Pulled Over by a Police Officer and....
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in maths?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She
charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty
and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, Does this mean that I cannot
call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man
asked. The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs.
Johnson' with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said...
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson!"

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to
fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he
went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had
a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he
said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss.
"But where were you yesterday?"

I put a blank cassette tape in my tape stereo last night and
turned the volume all the way up....the mime next door went
nuts!

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering
things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is
wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends,
and neighbours about it. Some months later, a neighbour approaches
the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbours asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of
that memory course you liked so much?"

Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute...
What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so
nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbour says, "You mean a rose?"

Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey,
Rose, what was that memory course instructor's name?

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean
really ,really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to
go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the
sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the
face. The nun was really surprised but before she could do or
say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked
her in the side, then he picked her up and threw her into a
wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move
very much.

So then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers
and said........
"Not very freakin' strong tonight, are you Batman!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see
her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work" the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress, but you're naked!"
"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress" she explained "it excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress he instantly
becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there
provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my LOVE dress" she whispered sensually.
"It needs ironing" he said "What's for dinner?"

In a restroom at IBM's Watson Centre, a supervisor had placed a
sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it --
"THINK!"

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the
sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser,
someone had carefully lettered another sign which read --
"THOAP!"

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary, Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, "The End is Nigh! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts! "yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is – so does not tell them
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"
"You'll see", says his dad. They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."
The girl suddenly screams at her little brother, "Spit it out! It's asshole!"

These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country
Songs...

1.   Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2.   Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3.   How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
4.   I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
5.   I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6.   I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7.   I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8.   I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
9.   I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
11. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
12. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
13. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a
Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a
top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other
a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out,
each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the
cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the
hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while
the other beggar's hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and
says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My
son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a
Christian neighbourhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a
church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any
money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David
around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his
neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe
this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"

There are three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are
talking about the amount of control they have over their wives,
while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over
your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my
wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they
asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and
uttered, "She said, "'Get out from under the bed and fight like
a man."

One day an out of work mime was visiting a Zoo and hoping to earn some money.
The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla
had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla
until they could get a new one. The mime accepted.
The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It
was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people
and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the
crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the
cage next to his.
In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his
cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's
cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper
came and gave the mime a raise.
Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But
one day he slipped and fell into the lion's cage.
The mime ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him
pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life,
yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!"
The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both
fired........

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on him.

Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on him.

Actual Product Instructions:

ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.

ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
inside.

ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.

FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.

ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked
Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese
Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went
into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No,
sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to
the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are
no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there
are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews,
but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"

The recreational director of a mental hospital wanted to take a
well behaved group of inmates to a baseball game. The General
Manager of the club was a little leery of this. When the
Recreational Director said: "If I prove to you how well behaved
they are, will you let them in?" The General Director agreed.

The group of inmates came in and sat down. The Recreational
Director shouted:
"Stand up, nuts!" Everyone stood up.
"Sit down, nuts!" Everyone sat down.
"Look behind you, nuts!" Everyone turned around.

Pleased with that, the General Manager let them in. About the
third inning or so, he heard a tremendous commotion! People were
running helter skelter. He asked what happened and was told that
someone had called out: "Peanuts!"

*******************

Paddy & Mick are out fishing and are having great luck. They're catching fish so fast that they're forced to go back early. "This is so great," says Paddy. "We should mark the spot so we can come here again."
"You're right," says Mick, who then dives over the side and scrapes a big X on the bottom of the boat.
They head back to shore and just as they're about to dock, Paddy looks at Mick and says, "What if we don't get the same boat next time?"

A Man visits his optician and says "Doctor, I'm having difficulty seeing distant objects".
The optician opens the curtains and points into the sky. "What's that"?
The man walks over, looks up and says "It's the Sun".
The optician says "Just how far do you want to f****** see"?

If the metric system did ever take over, we'd have to change our thinking to the following:
* A miss is as good as 1.1 kilometers.
* Put your best 0.3 of a meter forward.
* Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
* Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure.
* Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
* Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

Forget the meaning of life...I'm stuck on these questions!:

Do paediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world's a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown, too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of Many."
The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of Thousands," and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus, he leaned over and said, "Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there, how's it going?"
Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."
He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?

A foreman at a construction site gathers three of his workers:
an Irishman, an Italian and a Chinese.

He says to the Irishman, "you're in charge of Sweeping, I want
this whole area swept up before I get back".

He says to the Italian, "You're in charge of shovelling. I want
that pile shovelled into the truck so they can haul it away."

He says to the Chinaman, "You're in charge of supplies. No on second thoughts make
sure that all gets done before I get back."

Three hours later, he returns and none of the work is done. The
Irishman says, "I couldn't find a broom. You left the Chinaman in
charge of supplies and he disappeared." The Italian says "And I
couldn't find a shovel".

So the foreman starts walking and looking for the china man. Just
then, the Chinaman jumps out from behind a pillar and screams
"SUPPLIES!!"

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and
Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals
Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this
man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".
Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?",
again the answer is "yes".

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes
the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear
in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment says....... "Pinocchio?"

Some Thoughts...

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can get going without pep pills,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can ignore a friend's limited education and never correct him,
If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice
against creed, colour, religion or politics....

If a Blonde and a Brunette jump off a cliff at the same time,
which one gets to the ground first?

Answer: The brunette... the blonde has to stop and ask for
directions!

A very important event is going to happen on the 4th of May. I'm telling you
so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date
on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you
include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the
event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you
walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the
4th, B with U....

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.

If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J.C. and the boys.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior,
and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say...he
was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and
eat it, for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
the grub, Yeah! God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not
a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

There is a man sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window. He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says "Would you mind not doing that, it’s disgusting to watch".
He says "Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train" and carries on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the man can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles. After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman "Could you stop that noise - can't you see I'm trying to sleep".
"It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. The woman gets up and pulls the communication cord.
The man says "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that!"
The woman replies "And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior
college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ
of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six
times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that
is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of
this!" With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.

Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to
say to you.

"One, you have not studied your lesson.
"Two, you have a dirty mind.
"And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems
to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a
fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl
are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how
was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly
in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in
your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . ........... . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . ..........$1.00

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe through that thing?"

Q....
OK, there's a smart blonde, a brunette, and Santa Claus on top of the
Empire State Building. If they all jump off at the same time, who will hit
the ground first?

A....
The brunette, because the other two don't exist!

Bill Gates tragically died in a car accident. Arriving at the pearly
gates, he finds himself being sized up by St. Peter.

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to
send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created
that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before . . .
I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

"So what's the difference between the two?" Bill asked.
St. Peter said, "I could let you visit both places briefly,
if it will help your decision."

"Fine! Where should I go first?"
"You decide."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill Gates went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with
clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water,
laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I'd REALLY like
to see Heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds,
with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice,
but nothing like Hell. It didn't take long for Bill to reach his decision.

"I think I prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled
to a wall, screaming among hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and
tortured by demons.

"How's everything going?" he asked Bill Gates. His voice filled with
anguish an disappointment, Bill responded, "This is awful! This is
nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening!
What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches,
the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that was a demo," replied St. Peter. . .
"This is the release version."

Just some real facts of life:

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight-saving time.

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be
peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is
hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet
except a few micro-organisms, the micro-organisms living in the Middle
East will be bitter enemies.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down
inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very
excited and announce that:
* The universe is even bigger than they thought!
* There are even more subatomic particles than they thought!
* Whatever they announced last year about global warming is wrong.

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Iraq's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater
Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in
central Iraq.

Iraqi search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and
expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across
an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of
these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always
wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick.
Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!!
Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach
the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!!
No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish".
Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times.
My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.
So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside
and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say
"nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his
thumb pressed into the meat.

"Are you crazy or just stupid" yelled the customer,
"sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

*******************

A blonde from California decides to try horseback riding, even though
she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse
unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins
to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a
firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but
she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail
grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now
at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against
the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground,
she is mere momen

Coming Soon to a website near to you, this one in fact - A little bit of this and a little bit of that and a little bit of the other!!