I'll just stick things here if i think they sound good, OK?

"Trying is the first step towards failure" - Homer Simpson

"simple things please simple minds" - everyone

"A humorous and interesting read after all of that culture" - Becca B

"you ugly, hate-filled man" - Ned Flanders to Moe Syszlak

"hey i may be ugly and hate-filled but... what was the third thing?" - Moe, in response

"didn't anyone tell Stevo that plants can't talk back?" - Pete

"You're 18 now..."

"does your sister know my mum's not dead?" - Becca B

"hello, my name is Mr. Snrub" - Mr. Burns, concealing his identity

"you both tried your best, and you failed miserably.  The moral is, never try" - Homer Simpson

"i hope you both learned your lesson: never help anybody" - Homer Simpson

"i answered my makeup the other day instead of my phone" - Shula

"The smoker's kiss may taste awful, and the drinker may be impotent in bed, but he or she still hopes to impress peers or attract mates by the implicit message of superiority" - Jared Diamond explaining why non-drinking non-smokers like ME are the kind of guys you want ;)

"it's sad when the 5 year old is more mature than his uncle" - someone on the Archers, probably Ruth, discussing Josh and Kenton.

"it's always the ones you least suspect.  So that rules me out"

how long does it take to make a bed? or is he actually MAKING a bed?

knowing the little of him i know, he probably is hand crafting it from oak...

"i don't like dull names like Matt, Ben, Rob..." - me, addressing friends whose boyfriends are called Matt and Rob... I didn't do it on purpose!!

"I think Sainsbury's is a shop for dull middle-aged people" [paraphrasing] - me, talking to Alexa.  Who of course shops at Sainsbury's... I didn't do THAT on purpose either!

Becca: "Is my cup of tea ready yet??"
Stevo: "i'm not sure, i'll just ask the cat."
Becca: "It's in the potting shed with the garden gnome playing tiddlywinks"
Stevo: "I told the tiddlywinks to watch out for those two!"

Meg - I am an aubergine.
Chloe - I ate stuffed aubergines once.
Meg - What were they stuffed with?
Chloe - Stuff.

overheard in The Yellow Shop, Bath... customer is buying a duffle coat...
customer: "i thought my parents would have one but they didn't"
shopkeeper: "well they should, the bastards"
...
shopkeeper: "happy duffling"

"it was amusing to see the two of u at it again"
Shula, on Stevo's madcap antics of 230902

"A takeaway meal from Chickoland worth £12 was stolen from a man in New Road at 6.30pm on Wednesday last week. The man put the meal on the ground while he engaged in an argument with a cyclist. When he turned round, his food had disappeared."

"There is a very small chance that you will get polio from this booster... polio can kill" - reassuring information from Meg's information leaflet!!

"yeah everyone has a Katy phase" - Shula

Random pupil: Why do we need to know about the uses of limestone, sir?
Mr Wilkes: So that if, on a dark night in Frome, a stranger comes up to you and says, (in deep, scary voice) 'tell me about limestone', you will be able to save yourself from any potential danger

Phoebe: Can I get a scone?

Gunther: <nods> (to Joey) Do you want anything?

Joey: You know what I want? I want a lot of things. I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine’s Day, and I want her to love me back. And I just want one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that’s never going to happen.

Gunther: We have bagels

Joey: OK!