Excuses - and the new ice route on Tarmachan

As he left the rugby club Malcolm said, "By the way, do you think you could do another one of those funny articles for the newsletter?"

Must be a case of mistaken identity. "Funny articles?"

"Yes, like the one about your visit to Mull in October."

Trouble is, that wasn't meant to be funny. But rather than disappoint an appreciative reader I stupidly agreed. This is where the problems started because imaginative writing is not a strong point with me. And how the hell could I write about days out in the hills when I'd done bugger all since October? There was always the pre-Christmas meet at Crainlarich, but some stories are better left untold.

Which brought me to the subject of excuses. In climbing terms, Tom Patey's "The Art of Climbing Down Gracefully" was so exhaustive that little scope has been left for development; he rumbled all the best excuses like "I'm not on form today". Patey's response was to ask if any climber ever admits to to actually being on form? "Everyone would feel uneasy if they did."

Patey's "wrong gear ploy" was also a classic: the climber who turns up at the CIC hut in February wearing PAs, or with high altitude Everest boots at Harrison's Rocks in Kent. I recently tried a variation of that ploy and left for the gullies with no boots at all. Unfortunately lacking the bottle to see it through, I gave way in a moment of panic (or was it conscience?), admitted the error of my ways, returned and picked up my boots. On the brighter side it left us with less time that day which meant nearer climbs and less snowploughing across the plateau. Not that snowploughing is a problem for me; I always seem to team up with superfit types who hate the indignity of being the last in the line. For my part, I'm always man enough to let someone else break the trail and flatten the snow.

Personally I think climbing in Scotland would be a lot healthier if we all adopted my attitude; after all it's a well known fact that the Yorks and Lancs craggies were forced to raise standards by climbing roadside horrors rather than have to waste half an hour's drinking time by trudging up hills.

[Andy Cloquet]

Anyway in pursuit of our "new" roadside ice route we bumped into an exponent of the "no gear" ploy. Unfortunately this brave effort, compounded by an attempted wasted round trip of 160 miles, was completely spoiled by Andy offering him a loan of his KSBs. (Most people just wear trainers in the car but...). Judging by the looks he was getting from his mate, the poor bloke didn't stand a chance and had to accept. When we came back down a few hours later Andy was surprised to find the boots neatly parked beside the car. It fairly improved Andy's faith in human nature to see them safely returned by a perfect stranger. I used to have a pair of KSBs and wasn't too amazed.

And the "new" ice route? The "We couldn't find it in the mist" Ploy. And the funny article? The "Send in Any Old Rubbish and You Won't Get Asked Again" Ploy.

Donald MacDonald

27th Feb 1987

© Text and photo of Andy Cloquet Copyright Donald MacDonald, with acknowledgements to Tom Patey's "The Art of Climbing Down Gracefully", published in MOUNTAIN 16, "One Man's Mountains" 1971, and, "The Games Climbers Play" 1978.