Ask Exp

Sometimes you learn more from Bad Experience than from Good...

The letters page has been devised so that I can impart some of my experience (it is my middle name! and my first and last names) to help solve those science problems the readers may encounter during their daily lives. It is of course important to note that, to protect the identities of our readers, the entire text of their emails has been completely made up.

Dear Experience,
The world's centres of learning have omitted a key ingredient in the promotion of incisive, dynamic and original thought. 'Consumption of large volumes of alcohol prior and during lectures.' To prove the theory, simply look at the face of a typical undergraduate during a lecture - barely conscious. Examine his brain waves - more life in a tramp's vest.

This is due to the lack of our gracious God's stimulating alcohol.

Critics may point to evidence of alcohol's dulling effect on reaction speed, but they ignore the evidence of their eyes. Reflect on the same students' behaviour at 2am on a Saturday evening:
· The inventiveness of 'horny drunk bloke' trying to persuade 'tipsy bird' that removing her clothes is a good idea…
· The dedication same 'horny drunk bloke' later that night, walking home 10 miles, cold and alone…
· The lightening reactions of 'angry drunk bloke' when the red mist descends…
· The co-ordination of 'drunk bloke' on the dance floor (contortions Amy Chow would be proud of)…
· And most importantly, the incredible, inventive and original ideas, concepts and solutions that are generated during a night on the piss.

The evidence is overwhelming. I suggest SF uses it's considerable influence to enforce the provision of alco-pops at primary lessons, beer & cider at secondary level, and hard liquor at student lectures. I would ask SF to investigate the one draw back to this educational revolution. How to remember it all when you sober up.

You know it mocks sense.

Yours truly,
Arthur Guinness

Art,
Your thesis brings my mind back to a conversation a number of years ago with a Freudian Psychoanalyst who was too confident in his "by the book" education to open his mind to new theory. Nevertheless I persevered to explain that although most have heard that there is a conscious and unconscious mind, there is another… the "Inebriated Mind".
This is neither fully conscious nor totally unconscious. The motivation of this state of mind can, as shown in some of my case histories, be dangerously at odds to the objectives of both conscious and unconscious states. Most individuals studied had poor recollection of their actions while the "Inebriated Mind" was in control.

When the "Inebriated Mind" is in control it causes an insatiable hunger for the beverages that keep it there. Our only recourse is that our bodies must sleep and during this break from alcohol consumption the combined effort of our conscious and unconscious mind can wrest control again.

To this day the "Inebriated Mind" has maintained its masquerade that it does not exist and no conventional textbook has made it to the publisher on the subject.
I fear that your well-intentioned thesis could have disastrous consequences. What you propose is to school the "Inebriated Mind" in place of the conscious mind. This will educate it and inevitably give it power. If the well educated "Inebriated mind" were to devise a way to avoid the reduction of our alcohol levels during sleep, we could have a situation on our hands more frightening that the writers of "The Matrix" dared to dream.

Dear Experience,
I am a third year in school and I am studying science. A friend of mine keeps asking me difficult questions and although I try to answer them, he keeps changing the question. The latest example is, he asked me what I would do if I were stranded out at sea?
I answered that I would try to get back onto the boat that I came from but he said that there was no boat. I asked if it had sunk so I could look for debris to cling to but he said that it was just gone and there was no debris. I said that I would look for land and swim toward it but he said that there was no land. I said that I would look for passing planes or other boats and try to signal but he said that there was no boats or planes and there would be none. I said that I would wait for rescue if someone knew where I was but he said that there would be no rescue. I said that I would use the sun to choose a direction and start swimming hoping to come across land or a boat but he said that there was no land.
Whatever I say I can't seem to win. Experience, can you give me an answer that will win this argument?

Signed, Unhappy debater.

Dear Unhappy debater,
I, in the qualifying round of brainiac 1978, was asked a similar question. As normal in these international competitions I was given one week to reply. Almost immediately I knew the answer however I paused for just a moment before speaking (This pause cost me the bonus prize of the "fastest response time cup" but as this had been won on the three previous years by a close friend of mine, I chose to pause).
The answer I gave was that, like the pre-historic ancestor of the dolphin, I would transform myself over thousands of years into a sea-going mammal. I would no longer seek land nor shelter; I would eat the fish of the sea and drink rainwater. In time my transformation would be complete and I would have my revenge on the people who put me there, after all the best revenge is living well.

Dear Experience,
I read and was inspired by yesterday's email about the sea. Can I ask your opinion on the Dolphin, do you think that it is an intelligent creature that could rival mankind in intelligence.

Signed, Why-curious.

Dear Why-curious,
Unfortunately mankind does not share an equal level of intelligence and there I have seen some human behaviour that would make one wonder if the Dolphin were not in fact superior. [NONSENSE -BAD EXPERIENCE SAYS- I WILL NOT ACCEPT THE DOLPHIN AS AN INTELLIGENT CREATURE UNTIL THEY SEND SOME OF THEIR OWN ONTO THE EARTH IN A WATERFILLED "LANDCRAFT" AND ONE OF THEM LEAVES THE WATER LOCK IN A WATERFILLED EARTHSUIT, WITH FLIPPER OUTSTRETCHED AND A MESSAGE OF PEACE WRITTEN IN PRIME NUMBERS]
However, it is man who defined the word intelligence in the first place. By our definition I conclude that Dolphin is not intelligent. However it may be our definition, rather than the brain of the Dolphin that has the flaw.


		Saturday, 27 April, 2002
		Sometimes you learn more from Bad Experience than from Good... The letters page has been devised so that I can impart some of my experience (it is my middle name! and my first and last names) to help solve those science problems the readers may encounter during their daily lives. It is of course important to note that, to protect the identities of our readers, the entire text of their emails has been completely made up. Dear Experience, The world's centres of learning have omitted a key ingredient in the promotion of incisive, dynamic and original thought. 'Consumption of large volumes of alcohol prior and during lectures.' To prove the theory, simply look at the face of a typical undergraduate during a lecture - barely conscious. Examine his brain waves - more life in a tramp's vest. This is due to the lack of our gracious God's stimulating alcohol. Critics may point to evidence of alcohol's dulling effect on reaction speed, but they ignore the evidence of their eyes. Reflect on the same students' behaviour at 2am on a Saturday evening: · The inventiveness of 'horny drunk bloke' trying to persuade 'tipsy bird' that removing her clothes is a good idea… · The dedication same 'horny drunk bloke' later that night, walking home 10 miles, cold and alone… · The lightening reactions of 'angry drunk bloke' when the red mist descends… · The co-ordination of 'drunk bloke' on the dance floor (contortions Amy Chow would be proud of)… · And most importantly, the incredible, inventive and original ideas, concepts and solutions that are generated during a night on the piss. The evidence is overwhelming. I suggest SF uses it's considerable influence to enforce the provision of alco-pops at primary lessons, beer & cider at secondary level, and hard liquor at student lectures. I would ask SF to investigate the one draw back to this educational revolution. How to remember it all when you sober up. You know it mocks sense. Yours truly, Arthur Guinness Art, Your thesis brings my mind back to a conversation a number of years ago with a Freudian Psychoanalyst who was too confident in his "by the book" education to open his mind to new theory. Nevertheless I persevered to explain that although most have heard that there is a conscious and unconscious mind, there is another… the "Inebriated Mind". This is neither fully conscious nor totally unconscious. The motivation of this state of mind can, as shown in some of my case histories, be dangerously at odds to the objectives of both conscious and unconscious states. Most individuals studied had poor recollection of their actions while the "Inebriated Mind" was in control. When the "Inebriated Mind" is in control it causes an insatiable hunger for the beverages that keep it there. Our only recourse is that our bodies must sleep and during this break from alcohol consumption the combined effort of our conscious and unconscious mind can wrest control again. To this day the "Inebriated Mind" has maintained its masquerade that it does not exist and no conventional textbook has made it to the publisher on the subject. I fear that your well-intentioned thesis could have disastrous consequences. What you propose is to school the "Inebriated Mind" in place of the conscious mind. This will educate it and inevitably give it power. If the well educated "Inebriated mind" were to devise a way to avoid the reduction of our alcohol levels during sleep, we could have a situation on our hands more frightening that the writers of "The Matrix" dared to dream. Dear Experience, I am a third year in school and I am studying science. A friend of mine keeps asking me difficult questions and although I try to answer them, he keeps changing the question. The latest example is, he asked me what I would do if I were stranded out at sea? I answered that I would try to get back onto the boat that I came from but he said that there was no boat. I asked if it had sunk so I could look for debris to cling to but he said that it was just gone and there was no debris. I said that I would look for land and swim toward it but he said that there was no land. I said that I would look for passing planes or other boats and try to signal but he said that there was no boats or planes and there would be none. I said that I would wait for rescue if someone knew where I was but he said that there would be no rescue. I said that I would use the sun to choose a direction and start swimming hoping to come across land or a boat but he said that there was no land. Whatever I say I can't seem to win. Experience, can you give me an answer that will win this argument? Signed, Unhappy debater. Dear Unhappy debater, I, in the qualifying round of brainiac 1978, was asked a similar question. As normal in these international competitions I was given one week to reply. Almost immediately I knew the answer however I paused for just a moment before speaking (This pause cost me the bonus prize of the "fastest response time cup" but as this had been won on the three previous years by a close friend of mine, I chose to pause). The answer I gave was that, like the pre-historic ancestor of the dolphin, I would transform myself over thousands of years into a sea-going mammal. I would no longer seek land nor shelter; I would eat the fish of the sea and drink rainwater. In time my transformation would be complete and I would have my revenge on the people who put me there, after all the best revenge is living well. Dear Experience, I read and was inspired by yesterday's email about the sea. Can I ask your opinion on the Dolphin, do you think that it is an intelligent creature that could rival mankind in intelligence. Signed, Why-curious. Dear Why-curious, Unfortunately mankind does not share an equal level of intelligence and there I have seen some human behaviour that would make one wonder if the Dolphin were not in fact superior. [NONSENSE -BAD EXPERIENCE SAYS- I WILL NOT ACCEPT THE DOLPHIN AS AN INTELLIGENT CREATURE UNTIL THEY SEND SOME OF THEIR OWN ONTO THE EARTH IN A WATERFILLED "LANDCRAFT" AND ONE OF THEM LEAVES THE WATER LOCK IN A WATERFILLED EARTHSUIT, WITH FLIPPER OUTSTRETCHED AND A MESSAGE OF PEACE WRITTEN IN PRIME NUMBERS] However, it is man who defined the word intelligence in the first place. By our definition I conclude that Dolphin is not intelligent. However it may be our definition, rather than the brain of the Dolphin that has the flaw.	*This is more to my taste* This film was a thinly veiled metaphor to raise awareness on the subject, unfortunately its budget was mysteriously cut and it was finally produced in black & white and with no sound. Kramer Vs Kramer