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IF YOU'RE A ROBOT DON'T READ THIS

For the past years many Science Victims have been exploring the possibilities of extending the length of their lives, of course they want to develop this technology while they are in their prime. As we all know, smokers are renowned for telling the joke that even though each cigarette takes one minute off their lives; it's just the ones at the end, and these are worth missing. They neglect to mention that the very drug that gives them peers to tell this joke to; is actually bringing the difficult years at the end closer by a minute.
Nevertheless as part of our detailed resource gathering I uncovered some interesting research that should be in the public domain.

One of the Science Victims was instructed to discover what technology had already been developed in the R&D labs of the big corporations. Necessity is the mother of invention so he began by looking at those corporations who need their people to stay young and fit. Naturally he began with the film industry and researched to find which stars had the shortest shelf life.
Below is an extract from his report.

"… This completed the data acquisition stage for the Industry. I punched all the information into the Science Victim Computer and after a few minutes the ticker tape started. I read eagerly as the tape poured from the machine. I expected boy bands to be top of the list but the tape held a different story… The stars with the shortest operational shelf life were the puppies used in toilet roll commercials. Their shelf life was so short that the adverts had to be made in one take exactly 28 days after the birth. If a second take were required they would have to use a younger puppy and so on. Although the ticker tape carried on with the rest of the top 100, I already had my goal."

The Science Victim then began a lengthy stake-out of one of the most popular toilet roll manufactures I cannot tell you which for legal reasons but its name is similar to the noun "Android".
It would save this company millions per advert if they could divert funds from their breeding programmes toward life enhancing techniques that would keep their puppies small and silky. Unfortunately the similarity between the name of this company and the word Android was more than just coincidence…

"I have just returned from the secret lab, and am still taking off my camouflage, please excuse the blotches on this report (these were on the handwritten report, I did not see the merit in copying them over to this page) but I must write and post you what I have found, before they catch up with me. The secret R&D has nothing to do with the enhancement of life, rather, the funds have been going toward the development of robots. These small doglike robots were silver and hideous to behold. I believe they must be grafted with the skins of the original puppies before the filming of the adverts. In the labs I saw hundreds of them being manufactured on a production line. I ran in terror, out and up the stairs and through a set of double doors that I thought was the main exit. Inside was a room with a large oblong table, there were at least twenty seats and at every one sat one of the tiny dogbots. They stared at me and I backed out. The door closed in front of me. The plaque on it read. Boardroom.

I turned to see a security guard being led toward me by a bigger dogbot. Nearby I saw a laundry shoot and I jumped into it…"

The remainder of his account is a terrifying chase through the streets of Saint Antonio De Paulo, but this has no scientific value. Needless to say I have made agreements with the robotic leaders of this corporation for the safety of my colleague on the condition that I never publish any of his findings.

Just the Beginning.


		Saturday, 27 April, 2002
		IF YOU'RE A ROBOT DON'T READ THIS For the past years many Science Victims have been exploring the possibilities of extending the length of their lives, of course they want to develop this technology while they are in their prime. As we all know, smokers are renowned for telling the joke that even though each cigarette takes one minute off their lives; it's just the ones at the end, and these are worth missing. They neglect to mention that the very drug that gives them peers to tell this joke to; is actually bringing the difficult years at the end closer by a minute. Nevertheless as part of our detailed resource gathering I uncovered some interesting research that should be in the public domain. One of the Science Victims was instructed to discover what technology had already been developed in the R&D labs of the big corporations. Necessity is the mother of invention so he began by looking at those corporations who need their people to stay young and fit. Naturally he began with the film industry and researched to find which stars had the shortest shelf life. Below is an extract from his report. "… This completed the data acquisition stage for the Industry. I punched all the information into the Science Victim Computer and after a few minutes the ticker tape started. I read eagerly as the tape poured from the machine. I expected boy bands to be top of the list but the tape held a different story… The stars with the shortest operational shelf life were the puppies used in toilet roll commercials. Their shelf life was so short that the adverts had to be made in one take exactly 28 days after the birth. If a second take were required they would have to use a younger puppy and so on. Although the ticker tape carried on with the rest of the top 100, I already had my goal." The Science Victim then began a lengthy stake-out of one of the most popular toilet roll manufactures I cannot tell you which for legal reasons but its name is similar to the noun "Android". It would save this company millions per advert if they could divert funds from their breeding programmes toward life enhancing techniques that would keep their puppies small and silky. Unfortunately the similarity between the name of this company and the word Android was more than just coincidence… "I have just returned from the secret lab, and am still taking off my camouflage, please excuse the blotches on this report (these were on the handwritten report, I did not see the merit in copying them over to this page) but I must write and post you what I have found, before they catch up with me. The secret R&D has nothing to do with the enhancement of life, rather, the funds have been going toward the development of robots. These small doglike robots were silver and hideous to behold. I believe they must be grafted with the skins of the original puppies before the filming of the adverts. In the labs I saw hundreds of them being manufactured on a production line. I ran in terror, out and up the stairs and through a set of double doors that I thought was the main exit. Inside was a room with a large oblong table, there were at least twenty seats and at every one sat one of the tiny dogbots. They stared at me and I backed out. The door closed in front of me. The plaque on it read. Boardroom. I turned to see a security guard being led toward me by a bigger dogbot. Nearby I saw a laundry shoot and I jumped into it…" The remainder of his account is a terrifying chase through the streets of Saint Antonio De Paulo, but this has no scientific value. Needless to say I have made agreements with the robotic leaders of this corporation for the safety of my colleague on the condition that I never publish any of his findings. Just the Beginning.	The Holy Grail of imortality This illustration was uncovered at a burned out warehouse in Saint Antonio De Paulo Dr Who may have been the designer's inspiration