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RELENTLESS Transcribed by Sarah the Great (Whistling wind) Thank you. How you doing, folks? Me too. You gotta bear with me, I'm very tired, very tired of traveling, and very tired of doing comedy, and very tired of staring out at your vacant faces looking back at me, wanting me to fill your empty lives with humor you couldn't possibly think of yourselves. Good evening. It's been a while since I've been here, it's great to be back, wherever I am, I always love it when I'm here. A lot's happened, I guess. Hey, man, that Clarence Thomas thing, I guess you watched that, eh? Boy, I tell you something, I learned something very important watching the Clarence Thomas hearings, you know what I learned? I don't stand a fucking chance. Don't even call the committee to order. It'd be a real short hearing. Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a video series called 'Clam Lappers' Volumes One through Ninety? All of them? I don't recall. Uh-huh. Uh, Mistuh Hicks, are you familiah at all with a man named Manuel, who works at the Show World Adult Video Parlor? Manny! Mista Hicks, dey subpoena me, dey subpoena me! Shit. Mistuh Hicks, thank you for your testimony. I don't know if we have a place for you right now on the Supreme Court-but, boy, you ever thought about becoming a Senator? C'mere, boy. Bring some of them tapes over here, lookit that-whooah. Bring them over Teddy's house, yeah, look at that there-oooh. She go to that like a duck to water, look at that there. How, how, how. That is one of my big fears in life, that I'm gonna die, you know, and my parents are gonna come to clean out my apartment, find that porno wing I've been adding onto for years. There'll be two funerals that day. I can see my mom
going through my stuff. I don't understand
anything, so there you go. You know my problem, I watch too much news,
man, that's my problem. That's why I'm so depressed all the time, I figured
it out. I watch too much CNN, man. I don't know if you've ever sat around
and watched CNN longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I don't recommend
that. Watch CNN 'Headline News' for one hour, it's the most depressing
thing you'll ever fucking do.
Pretty amazing
thing, really. Bush turned out to be a major fucking demon, who woulda
guessed? Remember when he was first president, he was the "Wimp President,"
do you remember that? Cover of Newsweek, cover of fucking Newsweek, "WIMP
PRESIDENT." Apparently, this stuck in this guy's craw a little bit. That
guy was a dynamite waiting to go off. (Iraqi voice) We surrendah! (Hillbilly voices) What's G-12 do, Tommy? See, it
says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps
us pay for the war effort. Well, fuck, pull that one up! Pull up G-12,
please. SHOOP. BOOM! Cool, what's G-13 do? Big Sears weapons catalogue.
'Weapons, for all occasions!' You know. See, everyone got boners over
the technology, and it was pretty incredible. Watching missiles fly down
air vents, pretty unbelievable. But couldn't we feasibly use that same
technology to shoot food at hungry people? Know what I mean? Fly over
Ethiopia, "There's a guy that needs a banana!" SHOOP. The Stealth Banana.
Smart fruit! I don't know. Once again, I was watching the fucking news,
and it really threw me off. It depressed everyone, it's so scary watching
the news, how they built it all out of proportion, like Iraq was ever,
or could ever possibly, under any stretch of the imagination be a threat
to us-wwwwhatsoever. But-watching the news, you never would have got that
idea. Remember how it started, they kept talking about 'the Elite Republican
Guard' in these hushed tones like these guys were the bogeymen or something.
Yeah, we're doing well now, but we have yet to face-THE ELITE REPUBLICAN
GUARD. Like these guys were twelve feet tall, desert warriors. KRRASH.
NEVER LOST A BATTLE! KRRASH. WE SHIT BULLETS! Yeah, well, after two months
of continuous carpet bombings and not one reaction at all from them, they
became simply, 'the Republican Guard.' Not nearly as elite as we may have
led you to believe. And after another month of bombing, they went from
'the Elite Republican Guard' to 'the Republican Guard' to 'the Republicans
made this shit up about there being guards out there'. We hope you enjoyed
your fireworks show. It was so pretty, and it took our mind off of domestic
issues! The Persian Gulf Distraction. People said, "Uh-uh, Bill, Iraq
had the fourth largest army in the world." Yeah, maybe, but you know what?
After the first three largest armies, there's a real big fucking drop-off,
all right? The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world,
and they've already got our airports, okay, so. I think that's the greater
threat right now. Mr. Onion Head in Terminal C is scaring the shit out
of me. Get him away from me. What an amazing thing, though. You know,
and the amazing thing, obviously, the disparity and the casualties. Iraq - one
hundred and fifty thousand casualties, USA - seventy-nine. Iraq - one hundred
and fifty thousand, USA - seventy-nine. Does that mean that if we had sent
over eighty guys, we still would have won that fucking thing, or what?
One guy in a ticker-take parade: Like, I was over in England.
You ever been to England, anyone, been to England? No one has handguns
in England, not even the cops. True or false? True. Now-in England last
year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now-the United
States, and I think you know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting
a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking word, to be honest with
you. I swear to you, I am hard. Twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns.
Now let's go through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling
at first glance. England, where no one has guns, fffffffourteen deaths.
United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo, I'm
getting a stiffy-twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns. But there's
no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to make one. There's
no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not
having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and
there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof. You know,
fourteen deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists, too. And
boy, does it suck. Okay, great. If I had a gun, I woulda been number fifteen
on that fucking list. Okay, though, admittedly, last year in England,
they had fourteen thousand deaths per every soccer game, okay. I'm not
saying every system is flawless, I'm just saying, if you're in England,
don't go to a goddamn soccer game, and you're coming home. It's weird-they
don't have guns in England, but they have a very high crime rate, which
tells you how polite the fucking English are. (English voices)
Give me all your money! I've got a soccer ball! Shit, Ian, that's a Spalding,
he's serious! Hand over the pounds! I just don't understand this blood
lust, 'cause, you know, I know the world seems really frightening at times,
but I think we're gonna do okay. I'll tell you a true story, a true fucking
story, man, about blood lust. I was down in Alabama, and I was playing
a town called Fife, Alabama last year. And they wanted me there to host
their annual Rickets telethon, or something, I don't know what the fuck
it was, but anyway. It was great to be there and anyway this is absolutely
true-last year in Fife, Alabama, they had all these UFO sightings. And
apparently everyone in town saw these UFOs, all right? Which really pissed
me off, because when I was there, about forty people saw me. But, there
was no advance advertising, no publicity, that's a big market for me.
Anyway, I'm curious about UFOs, so I asked this guy who was there what
it was like. And the guy said, "Oh, man, it was incredible! People came
from miles around to look at them! A lot of people came armed." People
are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings. Kind of brings a whole new meaning
to the phrase, "You ain't from around here, are you, boy?" I said to the
guy, "Why do you all bring shotguns to UFO sightings? It seems to be there's
going to be a point in our development or evolution when you put your
guns aside." You know what I mean? Don't you think that should happen,
I mean just fucking once? The guy said, "Well, we didn't want to be abducted."
I'm thinking, Yeah, and leave all this. Dude, if I lived in Fife, Alabama,
I'd be on my hands and knees praying for an abduction every goddamn morning,
all right. And believe me, I would not be picky. Greyhound-abduct me.
But I said, "What do you mean, abducted?" And he said, "Well, they abduct
people and they perform scientific and medical experiments on 'em." "Well,
maybe we'll be lucky and it's some kind of sterility/dentistry program
they've got going. Maybe they come down here, castrate you, straighten
your teeth and split. Sort of a 'clean up the universe' pact." He said,
"Huh?" I was almost sure I was talking to that dude. I'll tell you, too,
that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross
galaxies or wherever they come from to visit us and always end up in places
like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.
Maybe they're like hillbilly aliens. Some intergalactic Joade family or
something. "Don't you all want to land in New York, or L.A.?" "Nah, we
just had a long trip, we gonna kick back and whittle some." Oh, my God,
they're idiots. "We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull!"
My God, we're being invaded by rednecks. My biggest fear. Last thing I
want to see is a flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer,
you know? Wouldn't that be depressing? Some bumper sticker on it - "They'll
get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off
of it!" See, in England, man, they had these crop circle things. Did you
hear about that, these crop circles that'd show up, you know? Which two
guys have since claimed that they were responsible for, but I believe
they're aliens too. They think aliens would actually land around Stonehenge
and take off, but I asked people what it was like over there, and they
said, "Oh, it was incredible. People came from miles around. Lot of them
brought soccer balls." Would you let the aliens land, please? They might
be here to pick me up. I don't care what you believe, but you gotta admit
beliefs are odd, you know what I mean? You have to admit that. A lot of
Christians wear crosses around their necks - you think when Jesus comes
back, he ever wants to see a fucking cross? Kind of like going up to Jackie
Onassis with a rifle pendant on, you know? "Just thinking of John, Jackie,
just thinking of John. Just thinking of John, baby." Don't love me that
much. Hey, man. Killer idea. You guys like going to the movies? You... you do? Three of you do? I love the fucking movies. Love 'em. Now
I'm watching 'Terminator 2', did ya'll see that movie? Well, I'm watching,
and I'm thinking to myself, You know what? There's no way they're ever
gonna be able to top these stunts in a movie again, you cannot top this
shit. Unless... They start using terminally ill people as stunt men
in pictures. Well, hear me out. Because I know to some of you, this may
sound a little cruel: "Aw, Bill. Terminally ill stunt people-that's cruel."
You know what I think cruel is? Leaving your loved ones to die in some
sterile hospital room surrounded by strangers. Fuck that! Put 'em in the
movies! What? You want your grandmother dying like a little bird in some
hospital room, her translucent skin so thin you can see her last heartbeat
work its way down her blue veins? Or do you want her to meet Chuck Norris?
Hey, how come you dressed my grandmother up as a mugger? Shut up and get
off the set. Action! Push her towards Chuck! (Karate noises) Wow, he kicked
her head right off her body! Did you see that? Did you see my Grammy?
She's out of her misery, you've seen the greatest film of all time! I'm
still feeling some resistance to this, man. What's up? You and your fake
fucking sympathy. Okay, how about these guys who're being executed? Don't
do that. Poison, electrocute-how cruel! And unimaginative! Put 'em in
the movies! Jeffery Dahmer, for your crimes against humanity, of which
you've been found guilty, I sentence you to Wes Craven's next picture!
Bwahahaha! Ahh! Ahh! Okay, not one of my more popular theories. But just
do me a big favor-don't ever say you love film as much as I do. I think
we found your limit. So what else, folks? I smoke, if this bothers anyone,
I recommend you looking around the world in which we live and... shutting
your fucking mouth. Either that or suffer a facial burn, your choice.
After all this is America, land of freedom, so you have that option ahead
of you. I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite.
I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you
obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I
quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong.
How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers.
A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have
something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because
I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to
pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and
get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only,
ready? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight. See, I know you entertain
some kind of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke cigarettes.
May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours, and send
you hurtling back to the truth? You're dead too. Have a good evening.
And you know what doctors say, "Shit, if only you smoked, we'd have the
technology to help you! It's you people dying from nothing that are screwed."
I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me, man. Oxygen tent, iron
lung-it's like going to Sharper Image! Major rationalizations. We live
in such a weird culture, man. Does anyone remember this, when Yul Bryner
died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead? I'm Yul Bryner
and I'm dead now. What the fuck's this guy selling? I'm all ears. I'm
Yul Bryner and I'm dead now, because I smoked cigarettes. Okay, pretty
scary. But they coulda done that with anyone. They coulda done it with
that Jim Fixx guy, too, remember that guy, that health nut who died while
jogging? I don't remember seeing his commercial! I'm Jim Fixx and I'm
dead now. And I don't know what the fuck happened. I jogged every day,
ate nothing but tofu, swam five hundred laps every morning, and I'm dead.
Yul Bryner drank, smoke, and got laid every night of his life. He's dead.
Shit! Yul Bryner's smokin', drinkin', girls are sitting on his cueball
noggin, every night of his life! I'm running around a dewy track at dawn.
And we're both fucking dead. Yul used to pass me on his way home in the
morning, big long limousine, two girls blowing him, cigarette in one hand,
drink in the other. "One day that life is going to get to you, Yul." They're
both dead. Yeah, but what a healthy looking corpse you were, Jim. Look
at the hamstrings on that corpse! Look at the sloppy grin on Yul's corpse!
Yul Bryner lived his life. Sure, he died a 78-pound stick figure, okay.
There are certain drawbacks. People'll say the stupidest things sometimes
too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back."
I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense
of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead
guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone
just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking
I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the
odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York,
honey, look! I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes.
Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out
of me one day. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to
hide, they heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds)
"There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this
is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like
a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on
him. Yeah!"
(Audience member: "You have a bad attitude")
We've only just begun... I got all sorts of new dark shit for you, my man. You ever dance
with the devil in the moonlight? I don't know what my attitude is, I'm
trying to work on it all this time, you know. I'm drinking water tonight,
that's pretty amazing, water, it's really weird how your life changes,
you know what I mean, water. Four years ago-opium. Isn't that weird, I
mean, really! Night and day, night and fucking day! Some of y'all may
remember me, I was a drinker. I was a weekend drinker, you know, I'd start
on Saturday, and end on Friday, and I thought I was controlling it there.
I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs anymore, either, than, I'd say
the average touring funk band. I had to add it up. No, I don't do drugs
anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs, I used to do
drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and
I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore,
but it is the truth- I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered
anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never
lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went
about my day. Sorry. Now, where's my commercial? Why don't I get a commercial?
Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial? "I lost my job,
then my car, then my house, then my kids. Don't do drugs." Well, I'm definitely
not doing them with you, fuck! Man, you're bumming me out, get him out
of here! Who invited Mr. Doom over, get that guy out of here! That guy
by the dip, he's bumming everyone out! He hasn't stopped talking, I wish
he'd lose his fucking voice! I mean, I've lost my car before, okay. Found
it the next day, you know, no biggie. I don't think that warranted a commercial.
"I lost my car and uh... oh, there it is by that dumpster! Forget it!
See you tomorrow! Honk, honk!" You know, I've lost stuff, I'm not saying
that. I knew we were in trouble with that damn egg commercial, that guy.
I knew that was the government's take on drugs, we're fucked, you know.
"Here's your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs, I have never
ever ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain,
not once, all right? I have seen UFO's split the sky like a sheet, but
I have never ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain,
not once. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto
their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there
is no such thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever ever looked
at an egg, and thought it was a fucking brain. Now. Maybe I wasn't getting
good shit. I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's
the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? That sounds neat. Did I quit
too soon? What is that, CIA stash? You see the guy in that commercial,
that guy's got a beer gut- "All right, this is it. Look up, man. This
is your brain. I ain't doing this again. That's your - " The guy's drunk
and doing this fucking commercial. "Here's your brain." That's an egg!
That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic, dude, I'm tripping
right now, and I still see that is a fucking egg, all right? I see the
UFO's around it, but that is a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit
eating it, but, goddamn it, that hobbit is eating a fucking egg. He's
on a unicorn, but that dam-up-nup-oh-hop, that's a fucking egg, yeah.
How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs.
(From the audience) (singing) "One day at a time . . ." I just
cannot, you know, believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug
commercials on TV all day long, followed by, "This Bud's for you." I got
news for you, folks. A-1, alcohol is a drug, and B-2, and here's the real
one, alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin ... combined
each year. So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic/drug den
here tonight. You fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Now. You know what, if I was going to have a drug be legal, it would not
be alcohol, you know why? There's better drugs and better drugs for you.
That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue. Wait a minute,
Bill, alcohol is an accepted form of social interaction which for thousands
of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated in
the form of social events and... Shut the fuck up. Your denial is beneath
you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.
Pot is a better drug than alcohol - fact, and I'll prove it. You're at a
ballgame, you're at a concert, someone's really violent, aggressive and
obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (Audience) Drunk! The
one and only correct answer, tell them what they've won, Johnny. I have
never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible!
Hey, buddy. Hey, what? End of argument. Say you get in a car accident,
and you've been smoking pot. You're only going four miles an hour. Vroom... CRASH. Shit, we hit something. Forgot to open the garage door, man.
We got to get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home! But I'll
tell you the truth, I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana
is against the law. That rang true, now, I'm not talking about the reasons
the government tells us, because I hope you know this, I think you do,
all governments are lying cocksuckers. I hope you know that. Good. I mean,
marijuana grows everywhere, it serves a thousand different functions,
all of them positive, to make marijuana against the law is like saying
God made a mistake, you know what I mean? It's like God, on the seventh
day, looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation.
Perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest... Oh my me. I left
fucking pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third
day. Shit. If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression
they're supposed to use it. Shit. Now I have to create Republicans." So,
you see, it's a vicious cycle. And I'm not promoting the use of drugs,
believe me, I'm not. I've had bad times on drugs, I mean, just look at
this haircut. Fuck. Tell you, I live in New York now, man, tell you, man,
the war on drugs has taken a real cease fire there, it's, I mean, it's
incredible. They sell drugs out loud on the street. "Heroin, heroin! Heroin,
heroin!" "Coke, coke! Smoke, smoke!" "Heroin, heroin!" Those guys bug
the shit out of me. I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking
ahead of me, passes one of those dealers, he looks at him, he goes, "Heroin,
heroin, heroin!" I pass him, he goes, "Glue!" I can afford heroin, you
fucker. I'm doing laundry right now. Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners,
I'm coming back and buying some of that shit from you! I mean, he embarrassed
me to death, I was mortified. See, I think drugs have done some good things for
us, I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things
for us, do me a favor, go home tonight and take all your albums, all your
tapes and all your CD's and burn them. Because, you know what, the musicians
who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the
years... rrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs. Man, the Beatles were so high,
they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes. Tell me they weren't partying.
(singing) "We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine." We all
live in a-do you know how fucking high they were when they wrote that?
They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a rake to sing that fucking
song. (Beatle voices) John, get Ringo, he's in the corner. Ooh, look at
him scoot, grab him! Hook his bellbottom, hook his bellbottom! He's got
a song he wants to sing us. Something about living in a yellow tambourine
or something. Ringo, Yoko's gone, come down, we can party again! They
were real high, they wrote great music, drugs did have a positive effect.
Okay, I'll tell you what else. I'm gonna extend the theory to our generation,
now, so it's more plicable. The musicians today, who don't do drugs, and
in fact speak out against it-"We're rockers against drugs"-boy, they suck.
Suck. Ball-less, soul-less, spirit-less, corporate little bitches, suckers
of Satan's cock, each and every one of them. (sucking noises into the
microphone). Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! Put that big scaly pecker
down your gullet! "We're rock against drugs, because that's what George
Bush wants!" (sucking noises) That's what we want, isn't it? Government
approved rock n' roll? Don't you want to be at a concert one night, look
to your right and see Dan fucking Quayle right next to you, man? You know
you're partying then, you know you're on the edge! "Fuck it, the Quayle-Monster's
here, there ain't no going back! We might be up to eleven tonight, fuck
this!" "We're rock stars who do Pepsi-Cola commercials!" (sucking) Luckily,
Satan's dick has many heads, so all these little demon piglets can nuzzle
up and suckle all at once. "Here comes a fella named Vanilla Ice!" (sucking)
"Here comes M.C. Hammer!" (sucking) "Here's Madonna, with two heads!"
(sucking) Suckin' Satan's pecker, suck it! It's only your dignity, suck
it! It's only your dignity, suck it! M.C. Hammer - oh, I'm sorry, it's 'Hammer',
he dropped the M.C. I can't wait till he drops the Hammer too. How about
this, drop it all. Good.
I am available for children's parties, by the
way. Some of y'all might have a young'un coming of age, and not want to
go the traditional, clown/balloon animal route this year, you might want
to look me up-"Beezlebozo." Clown from hell. "Hi, kids, it's Beezlebozo
time! Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never smoked
a cigarette? C'mere, kids!" (kissing noises) "What's your name?" (little
boy voice) "Tommy." "Tommy, how old are you?" "Five." "Five years old,
and you mean to tell Beezlebozo you're not smoking cigarettes yet? C'mere,
Tommy!" (kissing noises, hacking) "Hold it in." "Mommy!" "Nope, it's Beezlebozo
time. "Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never watched
a skin flick? C'mere, kids! See them, them's titties!" "Mommy!" "That
is your mommy. It's Beezlebozo time." Clown from hell. See, I don't know,
I just differ, you know, like, you remember those summer trips you'd take
with your folks, growing up, you remember those nightmare fucking excursions,
you know? Instead of doing that, why don't families take mushrooms? Stay
home and trip together. Be a much better trip. The home movies would be
tons more fun. Just twenty minutes of someone's thumb. WRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
"You see, son, the thumb is opposable, that's why we can use tools and
live indoors." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "Speaking of indoors, do you get the impression
the walls are breathing?" "I do, Mom." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "It's like we're
all one consciousness, experiencing itself subjectively." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
"There is no such thing as death, son, it's only an illusion that we are
separate beings, in actuality we are all one con-" WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. "God
is love and love is all there is, and if that's all there is, there can
be no opposite." "Cool, Dad." WRRRRRRRRRRRRR. I think that'd be such a
neat trip, to go away, with your parents, I think it'd be more of an eye-opener,
perhaps a third-eye opener. But that's the problem with this country,
one of the many, but this whole issue of sexuality and pornography, which
I don't understand what pornography is, I really don't. To me, pornography
is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in
America, and spending it instead on weapons, that's pornographic to me,
that's totally filthy, and etc., etc., down the line, you all in your
fucking hearts know the goddamned arguments, okay, great. But no one knows
what pornography is. Supreme Court says pornography is anything without
artistic merit that causes sexual thought, that's their definition, essentially.
No artistic merit, causes sexual thought. Hmm. Sounds like... every
commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins
on that Doublemint commercial-I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of
chewing, maybe that's the connection they're trying to make. What? You've
all seen that Busch beer commercial, where the girl in the short hot-pants
opens the beer bottle on her belt buckle, leaves it there, and it foams
over her hand and over the bottle and the voice over goes, "Get yourself
a BUSCH." Hmm. You know what that looks like, nah, no way. I'll tell you
the commercial they'd like to do, if they could, and I guarantee you,
if they could, they'd do this, right here. Here's the woman's face, beautiful.
Camera pulls back, naked breast. Camera pulls back, she's totally naked.
Legs apart. Two fingers, right here, and it just says, "Drink Coke." Now
I don't know the connection here, but goddamn if Coke isn't on my shopping
list that week. "Dr. Pepper." "Snickers, satisfying." (Mouth-guitars "I
Can't Get No Satisfaction") Damned if I'm not buying these products! My
teeth are rotting out of my head, I'm glued to the television, I'm as
big as a fucking couch. "More Snickers, more Coke!" That's what I find
ironic, too, is that people who are against these things that cause sexual
thought are generally fundamentalist Christians, who also believe you
should be fruitful and multiply. Boy, they walk a tight rope every day,
don't they? "How do we be fruitful and multiply and not think about it?"
"We could sing hymns during it." (sings) "One stroke at a time, sweet
Jesus. One stroke at a time, sweet Lord." I did that joke in Alabama,
in Fife, and these three rednecks met me after the show. "Hey, buddy!
C'mere! Mr. Funny-man, c'mere! Hey, buddy, we're Christians, and we don't
like what you said." "So then forgive me." Later, when I was hanging from
the tree. Here is my final point, oh thank you God. About drugs, about
alcohol, about pornography, whatever that is. What business is it of yours
what I do, read, buy, see, or take into my body as long as I do not harm
another human being on this planet? And for those of you out there who're
having a little moral dilemma in your head about how to answer that question,
I'll answer it for you - none of your fucking business. Take that to the
bank, cash it, and go fucking on a vacation out of my life. But see, here's
their argument for that, each and every time: "But we have to protect
the children, we have to protect the children." Let me tell you something,
children are smarter than any of us, you know how I know that? I don't
know one child with a full-time job and children. Yeah, they're quick,
these kids, man. They're fucking quick. But where did this veneration
of childbirth come from, I missed that meeting, I tell you that. "Oh,
childbirth is such a miracle, it's such a miracle." Hallelujah! Trailer parks, all over America, filling
up with little miracles. THUNK. THUNK. THUNK. "Look at all my little miracles."
THUNK. THUNK. "Filling up my trailer like a sardine can." THUNK. THUNK.
"You know what'd be a real miracle, if I could remember your daddy's name,
goddamn it." THUNK. "I guess I'll have to call you Trucker Jr. That's
all I remember about your daddy, was his fuzzy little pot-belly riding
on top of me, shooting his caffeine-ridden semen into my belly, to produce
my little water-head miracle baby-child." THUNK. "There's your brother,
Pizza Boy Delivery Jr." THUNK. "There's your other brother, Exterminator
Jr." THUNK. "There's your other brother, 'Will Work For Food Jr.'" Thank
you very much, good night. (wild applause) (sound follows Bill offstage,
backstage, applause fading, doors closing, he's outside walking across
the parking lot, gets in his car, starts it up, dials through the radio
and finds this song) Chicks Dig Jerks I don't pretend
to understand women's little quirks Well, if I meet one more single mom Well,
I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks, Well, I'm sure there's some out there
who can relate, Well, I don't pretend to understand women's little quirks. Just ignore 'em. |