THINGS TO MAKE YOU LAUGH TILL YOU STOP!!! Well I think they're funny ..... i Jokes New - Q. Whats the difference between a Scottish Wedding and a Scottish Funeral? A. At a funeral there is one less drunk. New - Q. Whats the difference between the New York Mafia and the Glasgow Mafia? A. One makes you an offer you cant refuse, the other makes on offer you cant understand. New - Standing on the corner, a man observes two hearses driving slowly down the street, followed by a man walking a dog and 25 men in single file behind  them. "What's going on", the bystander asks. "My dog bit my wife and she died. Then he bit my mother-in-law and she died." The bystander pauses and then says, "Can I borrow your dog!" The man with the dog says, "Get in line!" There were two dwarves who won the lottery. The first thing they did was hire a couple of prostitutes and go to a hotel. Their rooms are next to each other and with a wink, they each take their lady of the night into a room. The first dwarf, Dave, is only just in bed when he hears through the wall "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH". Excited that his friend, Jeff, is all ready under way he rips off his clothes. Still he hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" from next door, and wonders how his friend can keep going. He tries to concentrate on what he is doing but is so distracted by the "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3,HUH" that despite his and the prostitute's best efforts, he cannot get started. Even as he was drifting off to an unfulfilled sleep he still hears "1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH, 1-2-3, HUH" The next day they meet outside the rooms after the prostitutes have left. The 2nd dwarf is still bright red in the face and looks exhausted. "How was your night, Dave?" asked Jeff. "Terrible" replied Dave. "I couldn't get an erection." "You lucky bastard" said Jeff. "I couldn't get on the bed." Two women were walking down the street. One nudges the other and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses. Damn!! That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days!" "Well, why don't you get a vase?" Two old men were sitting on the porch of their nursing home. One looks to the other and asks, "Do you think they have football in heaven?" "They probably do," responds the second old man. A few days later one of the old men died and went to heaven. Several days later, the other old man was sitting on the porch of the nursing home when his dead friend suddenly appeared. "I have good news for you and bad news for you." the dead man said to his friend. "The good news is that they have football in heaven. The bad news is that you're centre forward tomorrow night!!!" A guy walks into a bar one day, sits down, and claims he knows everyone in the world. The guy sitting next to him says "I don't believe you - do you know me?" The first guy says "Sure Phil, we met two years ago at a convention - my name is Tony - remember?" The second guy says "Okay, I remember, but I still don't believe you know everyone"/ So he asks Tony if he knows the bartender. Tony and the bartender, of course, go way back. The bartender confirms this. Phil tries to think of someone Tony couldn't possibly know. So he says to Tony, "Do you know Bill Clinton?" Tony replies "Oh yeah, Bill and I smoked dope back at Oxford together." To prove it, he calls Bill Clinton on the President's private line. The two have a 20 minute conversation before hanging up. Phil is now determined to come up with someone Tony would never be able to know. This time he says, "How about the Pope?" The only way to prove this is to go to the Vatican. Tony and Phil get on a plane and fly to the Vatican. At the Vatican, Tony requests an audience with the Pope, and much to Phil's surprise, is immediately granted one. Tony goes inside, and a few minutes later appears on the balcony with the Pope. They seem like old friends. Looking out into the crowd, Tony sees Phil faint. He runs down to him and asks what happened. "Well," said Phil, "I could believe you knew the bartender. I could believe you knew Bill Clinton. But when I saw you and the Pope on the balcony and the guy next to me say 'Who's that guy up there with Tony?', that was too much." Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail. The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this." The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these." The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..." A man goes into a restaurant, sits down at a table and, when the waitress asks for his order, says, "I want a quickie." She slaps his face and asks, "Now would you please give me your order?" Again, he says, "I want a quickie." She slaps him again and says, "I'll give you one last chance; what do you want?" Someone from the next table leans over and says quietly to the man, "I think it's pronounced QUICHE." It is my intention to update and replace these jokes...so stay tooned Remember now........gently.