8 types of swan you might like to investigate

1: Swan dives are obviously the oily hangouts of your favourite large white bird. Less obvious is the presence of a caricature of Marlon Brando in the corner of each of these seedy "hangouts". He's usuallly made of feathers and swan spit but the leather jacket is made from purest cow scrotum. The dangerous swans who populate these establishments are proud of their vicous pecking skill and laugh in the face of lead weights. And cows.
2: Swan Lake ought to be some sort of big flat watery thing that swans sit on but it's actually a ballet. How fucked up is that? How would you feel if you were a swan and, after a day of swanning around with your life partner, you tried to sit on a ballet?
3: "Nice swan" is what you might say if your good friend Dermot managed to get you tickets to some sort of "gig" down the youth centre performed by hip young persons.
4: Jack the swan is the kind of swan who confronts you over your personal demons. "Fucking quit demonising things" is what he'd say to you. Praise Jack the swan, for he is more than mere poultry.
5: Swanny whistle is a sound you could concievably make if you see a sexy looking swan. Like a "wolfy" whistle but with the sort of elegance we've come to expect from the majestic mini ocean liners of the great British river and stream.
But be oh so god damn careful reader, for the swan mates for life. Who knows whether their partner will be watching nearby, ready to peck out your tender eyes while angrily squawking "are you looking at my bird you fucking biped?"
6: Swanlike grace is talked up a lot by people but swans are only graceful because they have wings and float. Trying to emulate a swan by growing wings is just stupid fucking idiocy.
7: "Swan off" is an expression you might use to someone who you dislike in the context of suggesting that they get a beak and hand over their life to the Queen,
8: Billy Corgswan is the former leader of the Swooshing Plumpkids. Noted for their lush melodies and pecking and biting each other the "Pumpy chaps" ,as the music press inevitably refered to them, broke up when it was discovered that James Feather and Arsey had been eating things in their lakeside studio.

8 questions you might be able to ask IF YOU'RE MOUTH HADN'T BEEN SEALED UP WITH WAX

1: "So, how long have you been a sex toy for Ming the merciless?"
2: "Have you ever driven a tractor into someone's house by mistake?"
3: "Do you have any idea what this button in the pavement does?"
"No I don't."
"But you must have some vague notion, it's been here outside your shop for weeks."
"I don't have a shop."
"I'm dieing to press this button but I...just can't...reach down and...it's no good, can you please...?"
4: "Bang. How do I make it go Bang?"
5: "Is the future really all that orange?"
6: "Where you driven here by beavers?"
7: "Are tanks a mode of transport or a means of seeking spiritual enlightenment?"
8: "Why are you licking up the spillage from my pint?"

8 ways to buy a swan

1: Just walk up to the shop slowly. Then tippy toe into the door, slam your money on the counter, grasp your swan and dash out.
2: Try to convince the Queen that you have a great home for swans in your garden.
3: Buy a moat.
4: The internet is a bountiful woman. Her breasts are swollen and ripe with all manner of wonderful things. Surely she must be able to give you swan?
5: Does the swanmaster live in a barge? Because barges are dangerous.
6: Fantasy brings many rewards. Fantasize in front of the show room. Think about the sorts of meal you could cook with your swan...
8 sorts of meal you might be able to cook with a swan:
1: Gassy rib orchard.
2: Flunt.
3: Basket of wings.
4: Dangerous floater.
5: Thrifty meating.
6: Baggage in hold.
7: Nostril of coot.
8: Flat pank banzai.
...when you've got a swarming vision colliding with your senses in your mind stems try to share it with the salesperson in the showroom.
7: See [looks left and right] these swans are clever little bastards ain't thee? You gotta get up real close and feel their feathers to make sure they're all properly aligned, but if you don't you'll find yourself buying a skimmer rather than a flapper. Thee done good with that one but watch out it doesn't fall to the side.
8: Shops. They're all over the place in this modern epoch! You can buy so many things...
8 things you could conceivably buy in a shop:
1: You're own head.
2: A basking shark.
3: Atlantis.
4: Assorted cudgels.
5: Naff balls.
6: A pent up book.
7: Queen Nefretiti.
8: Possibly clothes.
...so you see that with the range of items available you should probably consider whether a swan is a more viable purchase than any one of a number of other items.