8 new names for molecules that scientists can use if they want

1: Crapnotodes
2: Buffnium
3: Thruxotonium
4: Clappywappy
5: Cockspec
6: Fridge
7: Muffputty
8: Stubblestupenarius

8 subjects for multi-volume multi-thousand page essays

1: Crows and their cool feet. Particularly the way they dance across snow.
2: The anal and vaginal topography in various species.
3: Punching every blade of grass in the world individually.
4: The flavours of things. Lots and lots of things. Spandex, scuffed bread etc.
5: Harpooning various animals and rocks.
6: Photo's of grains of sand.
7: "The history and traditions of toilet rolls in all the worlds countries".
8: Fucking.

8 ways to summon a demon

1: Mmm.
i) Obtain bacon flavoured crisps
ii) Delicately open the packet.
iii) Pour crisps onto a specialy prepared bed of tissues.
iv) Carefully coat each crisp in a sugar solution.
v) Place the crisps back in the packet and seal it.
vi) Locate a female virgin no younger than 25.
vii) Give her the packet of crisps.
iix) Draw back to a safe distance.
Effect: as the virgin opens the crisps and starts to eat them she will be at first confused and then enraged by the evil flavour. She will drop the crisps onto the floor and stamp on the packet, thus summoning a guzzling demon of some sort from hell to come and feast on her simultaneously sweet and savoury feet.
2: Pull off.
i) Take the pigeons you have in your house to a building site.
ii) Sedate 12 and dispose of the rest.
iii) Put the 12 into a gigantic paper bag.
iv) Cover the entire top surface of the bag with pies.
v) As the builders return and become perplexed (perhaps even a little angry) at your handywork, wave your hands at the pies.
vi) As the builders, no doubt desparate for a pie feast sit on the pigeon belumpen bag and begin to feast on pies quickly roll a huge (jade) tarpaulin over the top of everything.
vii) Club the builders to death.
iix) Piss on the top of your layer (meat) cake.
Effect: The spattering of your pizzle on the recently deceased workmen should get the attention of a demon in the lower parts of the earth. The pigeons should begin to awake at this point drawing the demon to the surface where it will gobble them and the builders down before making a big cloak out of the tarpaulin and flying off with you in it's claws in order to use your flesh to make paint with. Your arms will be sacrificed.
3: Easy one.
i) Get a pen.
ii) Get some paper.
iii) Get a chair.
iv) Locate a table.
v) Place the chair in front of the table.
vi) Sit on the chair.
vii) Place the paper in front of you.
iix) Write some spells.
Effect: Demons will come and do your bidding. With their tongues if you like.
4: Um? Yes, um!
i) Obtain five packets of death-oxen Jelly.
ii) Rumage around at a jumble sale.
iii) Mix the jelly into some snail slime that you already had (for this sort of situation).
iv) Do a cartwheel in the village green.
v) Smear your mixture on some scarabs (that you keep in jars at the back of your calling centre).
vi) have some cakes at a little stall near your house.
vii) Scream in a prolonged and blood curdling manner.
iix) Have some tea.
Effect: Jabrous the really confused demon will ride into town on his pink motorcycle and tell people that he knows you.
5: Cook.
i) Obtain chainsaws and knives.
ii) Go around killing people.
iii) Have sex with all the corpses (ideally there should be six hundred and sixty six but it's not essential).
iv) Force a virgin hermaphrodite to suck your seed from the perforated body cavities of your victims (note that lady demon summoners will find this more complicated).
v) Indude your hermaphrodite to vomit into a baking tin.
vi) Place mixture in oven at gas mark 5.
vii) Lay out knives and forks and eating equipment on the table.
viii) Serve spunk cake with some lovely lemons and sprigs of garlic.
Effect: hungry demons will visit you and shit in your bed. But the hungriest will be the chef demon who will eat all the other demons! Really!
6: Summoning the rotting henchmen
i) Get some fizzy drink in a glass (never plastic or chocolate) bottle.
ii) Shake the the drink (it could easily be cherry flavoured).
iii) Stick the lip of the bottle up a dead dogs ass so that the fizzy stuff (it could be orange flavoured or pink or anything) explodes in to the decaying animals intestines.
iv) Place a rubber hose into the dogs anus, being careful not to let the liquid (hey, it could be chocolate or yaest flavoured if you want) drizzle out.
v) Place the cadaver on a high platform so that the liquid (it could have loads of blue bottles or sweets in it) will drain out through the hose.
vi) Place the hose into a glass (remember not to use plastic or chocolate) jug.
vii) Wait for the jug to fill with liquid (even lemonade will do).
iix) Throw the liquid (it must be fizzy remember, really fizzy, not like grape juice or stuff from those stupid soda streams) over a specially kidnapped priest.
Effect: Demons will be drawn by the smell of priest and fizzy piss.
7: Mimetic dance.
i) Hold your toes.
ii) Squeeze you wrists.
iii) Touch your fingers onto your elbows.
iv) As above but swap sides.
v) Face the eartchs southern pole (easily found by a compass made out of bread).
vi) Stick out your tongue and go "aaahh"
vii) Stand up and walk around.
iix) Kick a door.
Effect: A demon will nonchalantly walk into your dad's office and announce that it has taken over your dad's business. The demon will then run the business into the ground while you watch. Eventualy the demon will leave, giving you a T-Shirt with the slogan "I summoned a demon from hell and all I have left is this stupid t-shirt and cancer of the rectum" on it. And you will have cancer of the rectum too.
8: Summoning Buth of the Twillgar.
i) Draw a pentagram the size of a football pitch in the cathedral you built.
ii) Gather the following ingredients
8 ingredients required to summon Buth:
a\ Several thousand horse testes.
b\ A witche's tit.
c\ Hen's teeth.
d\ Eye of toad.
e\ Buttock of panther
f\ Monks foreskin.
h\ The hind legs of locust.
i\ Some cod.
iii) Strip your freshly kidnapped virgins.
iv) Smear the panther buttocks and Locust legs on half of your virgins.
v) Make the other half of your virgins dance while you throw all the other ingredients (with the exception of the witches tit) into their hair.
vi) Shave the heads of the virgins with ingredients in them and cut off the skins of the others.
vii) Put the skin and hair into a fire.
iix) Stroke the witches tit.
Effect: Buth will emerge from the flames covered in a a sort of pupa of soot. He will be your friend and he will give you all the attention that the other kids at school never did (because you were such a wierdo). And you get to eat all the virgins! Excelent!

8 meanings for the term "fag"

1: A sort of thing that you put in your mouth and suck after having held a match at one end.
2: See 1.
3: The name given to a fisherman's hands after handling rope for weeks. His hands would be said to be "soft as fags" when he returned home.
4: The fluff on towels that makes them abrasive. "I can't imagine taking a bath without rubbing the hard fags of a towel around me".
5: Newspapers with ragedy edges are refered to in the printing trade as "one too faggy".
6: The krinkling edge of a hole.
7: Aston Martins.
8: Any dog.

8 ways to change the world

1: Take it back to the shop that you bought it from.
8 things you might say to a shopkeeper who sold you a malfunctioning world:
i) "The oceans don't work."
ii) "I want my money back."
iii) "Why do you have so many tentacles?"
iv) "What do you mean 'It's supposed to work that way'? Who are you, God? Oh."
v) "Nice shop. Roomy."
vi) " Ha, ha, ha! Is your name, ha, ha, Slartybartfast?"
vii) "I want a different world in which I have a bigger penis."
iix) "I bet I'm on TV and this is a practical joke!"

2: Rub it with a big piece of sandpaper.
8 new shapes for the world:
i) Cube.
ii) Sort of duck that went wrong
iii) Toy horse that has a short leg.
iv) Ivory woodpecker.
v) Perfect Sphere.
vi) Toy car.
vii) Little blind boy with a caliper on his leg.
iix) Tits.

3: Tell people things.
8 thing that you could tell people that might change the world:
i) "Everyone is free!"
ii) "Everyone is a slave!"
iii) "Everyone is both free and a slave!"
iv) "Shouting is cool! Lets all shout!"
v) "In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man is king. But the two eyed man is kinger!"
vi) "Democracy exists to make politicians scared."
vii) "No taxation with plush toys and dols!"
iix) "Ticks are part of a healthy and nutritious diet!"

4: Sit still.

5: Stand up and wave your arms about.

6: Slap a fat mackeral around the back of a pretentious academic's head.
8 sounds that a fish might make after being smacked around someones head
i) "Slusht!"
ii) "Spapst!"
iii) "Wopple!"
iv) "Fakt"
v) "Smisth!"
vi) "Bow-At!"
vii) "SPAM-fluffy."
iix) "Shit!!

7: Form a new political party
8 names for a new political party that might change the world:
i) The killing everyone bad except the beatles party (KEBEtB)
ii) The tit's in soup party (TIS)
iii) The Funky Monkeys!
iv) The "lets have a lesbian piss party" party.
v) The Lets not have a party, lets all sit and think about the future party.
vi) The Desparate for power party.
vii) Clutch my crotch Amanda, please can you, please.
iix) Kill the pigeon "speckled Jim".

8: Pray to God for good and nice things to happen to everyone because God is really holy.
8 ways in which God hi'self might reply to prayers:
i) "Fucking fuck off you dumb slut."
ii) "Maybe if you give me a kiss."
iii) "Oh, okay then, you big chunk of love juice slathered man/woman."
iv) "I can drink my own weight in sardines! BUT I WEIGH AS MUCH AS THE UNIVERSE!!!"
v) "I can't do that I'm really fucking busy."
vi) "Ask Jesus. Oh hang on, I'll go get him for you. He's out on the clouds somewhere but you know what these fucking kids are like!"
vii) "No. I will not make your asshole big enough to insert a brick up it. I don't see why you should get to stick bricks up your stupid ass when I can't."
iix) "Okay then."
Because God loves you, man!.

8 alternate names for the new(ish) "Milky Bar Egg"

1: Milky bas-tard.
2: White chocolate shit-lumps.
3: The white Humptey.
4: (in japanese voice) Chicken ovulation impersonator-san.
5: Throw lump.
6: Modern faggots.
7: Sex-toy? Thrush magnet!
8: Yummy throat toy!