|
He didn't expect that anything was wrong, just that maybe Daniel had
overslept; he'd seemed tired lately, after all, and it happened to
everyone some time.
Certainly taking off for Siberia at the drop of a hat was enough to tire anyone out - Jack himself had felt like he could sleep for a week and he hadn't been the one who'd gotten up close and personal with a bunch of weird water aliens. In hindsight, Jack was glad he hadn't been around for that particular part of the mission. Bad enough he and Teal'c had seen what they'd seen, finding Maybourne in the deep freeze and discovering just what it was the Russians had let themselves in for. But if he'd been there in the mini-sub, like Carter was, watching helplessly as Daniel was pulled out into the water... He pushed that thought away and tried to concentrate on now. Daniel was fine, they'd all made it back safe and sound and now he needed to see just what was going on. The key turned easily in the lock and suddenly Jack was glad that Daniel had given it to him all those months before, back when he'd been sidelined in the infirmary and had wanted Jack to pick up his mail and water his plants. Not that a little breaking and entering was beyond Jack, he'd done it before after all, but having an actual key made life so much easier. The apartment door opened silently, and at least there wasn't a body sprawled across the floor or anything, not that he could see. Which had to be a positive sign. Jack crossed to the bedroom door, pushing it open as he spoke. "Daniel? Rise and shine!" As his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room, any words Jack might have said next dried up in his mouth. There was Daniel, lying sprawled across one side of the bed as Jack had expected, those usually sharply-intelligent eyes blinking fitfully up at him. He was clearly naked, the sheet barely covering enough for decency's sake, his skin pale against the darkness of the bedcovers. The only problem was, Daniel wasn't alone.
~~<<->>~~
This was his worst nightmare. For a moment Daniel wasn't sure whether he'd imagined Jack standing there at his door, till he glanced across at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. When he looked back at the doorway, it was empty. "Fuck!" This couldn't be happening. He couldn't really be that late for work and Jack couldn't have just walked in on the two of them. Daniel's mind rebelled against the idea of dealing with either of those possibilities any time in the immediate future. "Daniel?" The voice that came from his companion was more than a little sleep- roughened, his name just a slurred bunch of syllables. Daniel didn't even bother to turn round as he got out of bed. "It's okay." He quickly searched the dresser for a matching pair of socks. Or just two socks of any description, matching or otherwise. "Just late for work, that's all. Go back to sleep." He heard the bed creak slightly as its occupant moved. All Daniel could think about now was getting ready, the idea of Jack waiting impatiently for him in his living room adding extra incentive to leaving the bedroom itself in a hurry. As much as Daniel didn't want to face Jack, he knew he had no choice. He couldn't hide in here forever, not if he didn't want to starve to death - if he wanted to carry on picking up his paycheck he needed to go to work some time. "Two minutes," Daniel said to Jack, as he finally emerged from the bedroom. He found himself speaking to the back of Jack's head, as the other man stood by the balcony door looking out across the city, his back rigid. Daniel headed towards the bathroom, closing the door gratefully behind him. He was glad that he hadn't been forced to look Jack in the face, he had no idea what to say to him - all Daniel could hope was that Jack wouldn't go back into the bedroom again while he was in here. "Daniel?" Jack's voice came through the bathroom door, startling him a little. He was suddenly glad he used an electric razor the way his hand had jerked when Jack spoke. "I'm going back up the mountain, I'll see you at work." So, Jack had no intention of waiting for him - he clearly didn't want to discuss this. Why should that be any kind of surprise? "Okay," Daniel called out. "I.. I'm sorry you had to come all the way down here, Jack." I'm sorry you had to find out the truth about me this way; that I didn't have the chance to tell you something months ago; that you didn't have to try and figure out what to tell Hammond when you get back to the SGC. The only response was the sound of his apartment door closing more loudly than necessary.
~~<<->>~~
Jack paced in the elevator car on the way down, two short strides taking him from wall to wall and back again. He hadn't seen this coming. As he climbed into his truck and began the long drive back up the mountain, Jack's mind was working overtime to try and make some sense of what he'd just seen. What he'd just walked in on unexpectedly. What he could just as easily have walked in on. He'd never realized Daniel had someone. How had he not realized? It wasn't as if Daniel was all that subtle, but there was no way he should have been able to keep something like that a secret. Not from his team-mates; not from his friends. Jack felt his hands clench on the steering wheel, he watched clinically as the skin whiten over his knuckles, noting the way the tendons moved. He couldn't make his mind up why he was angry, even as he turned the possible options over in his mind. Was it because Daniel hadn't told him he was seeing someone? Jack wasn't Daniel's keeper, after all, even if they were friends. And it wasn't like they'd been close the last few months, the things they'd lived through putting barriers between them that hadn't existed before. The things they'd never talked about, that Jack had never taken the time to try and explain. If he even had an explanation that would make sense, one that Daniel would buy. It had taken him forever, it seemed, to understand the whole situation himself. And explaining it to Daniel might just be more than Jack could deal with. Or was he jealous? That intimacy had been something he'd shared with Daniel, all innocence and closeness. A closeness he had welcomed, once the novelty factor had worn away, once he'd reminded himself he was still alive, that mourning Charlie didn't mean he had to bury himself in that grief as well. It had been comfortable, reassuring. Most importantly, it had felt right. Jack had seen Daniel asleep often enough to know exactly what he looked like, the way he sprawled, arms spread from his sleeping bag unless it was unusually cold. He'd shared enough tents with Daniel to know the way his face relaxed, those mobile eyebrows settling into stillness for once, the innocence of Daniel's expression when his brain wasn't working double time. So none of that was new. Jack just hadn't ever expected to walk into that room and find Daniel in bed with someone else. He'd always thought, since Sha're died at least, that the intimacy engendered by off-world missions was his alone, never expecting to find that someone else experienced it too. At least without warning. And particularly if that someone else was a man.
~~<<->>~~
There wasn't enough time to take a shower, but all Daniel could think was how grateful he was for the fact that he hadn't missed leaving for an actual mission because he'd overslept. It was bad enough, Daniel decided as he drove up the mountain, that Jack had been forced to come see if he was okay without adding that misdemeanor to his situation. Daniel had gone back into his bedroom in search of some shoes and discovered that his bed was empty, the sound of running water from the bathroom giving him a clue to Nat's whereabouts. Good. He really hadn't wanted to face him after Jack's sudden appearance, unsure exactly what it was he would say to him anyway. "I have to go," he'd said, standing by the bathroom door. "Let yourself out, okay?" There had been a response, more a grunt than an actual word, but Daniel had taken that as affirmation and headed out. Now, all Daniel could think about was seeing Jack when he got to work. What would he say to him, anyway? How could he know how to begin to explain exactly how he'd come to be in the situation that he was? He'd been happy these last few weeks, feeling relaxed and comfortable in the relationship he'd begun to build with Nat, and in some ways Daniel realized he'd been waiting for the other shoe to drop. He just hadn't expected it to happen in the form of Jack turning up at his bedroom door.
~~<<->>~~
It wasn't all that difficult to avoid Daniel, not if you had a mind to, anyway. Jack had hidden himself away in lengthy meetings with Hammond, showing an interest in the correct procedure for processing requisitions that he knew would come back and bite him in the butt when he least expected it. He'd seen the way the general had been eyeing him during their conversation on the subject, wondering just what he had done to get Jack's whole-hearted cooperation and attention when normally it was all he could do to get a signature on something. Still, Hammond hadn't pressed him on the subject of exactly what it was that had kept Daniel from getting to work on time, so that had been something of a relief. He'd just accepted Jack's passing comment on Daniel oversleeping and inquired no further. And for that Jack was extremely glad - he could manage most things, but he wasn't sure he could stand there and lie to Hammond's face. Because what could he have told the general anyway? That he'd found Daniel in bed with another man? It wasn't as if Daniel was subject to the regulations in quite the same way he was - as a civilian consultant, if he wanted to get involved with someone on his own time, someone not involved with the project, whose business was it but his own? As long as it didn't jeopardise national security, not that Jack considered Daniel was ever likely to cause concern that way. If anyone was going to comment on Daniel's choice of people to share his bed, Jack had no intention that he was going to be the first. He just wished he'd known, that was all. Or, at least that's what he kept telling himself. Good, honest concern, that was all it was - not jealousy and a feeling of having missed the boat where Daniel was concerned.
~~<<->>~~
It hadn't taken long for Daniel to realize that Jack was actively avoiding him. It wasn't as if they lived in one another's pockets at the SGC, but Daniel had become so used to Jack just appearing at his office, pestering him to come have lunch with him and the rest of the team, or making some other excuse to drag him away from what he ought to be doing, that the sudden and apparent absence of Jack was marked. Of course, it wasn't a surprise either. It was clear from this morning that Jack had been somewhat lost for words, more than a little surprised to find Daniel with anyone at all, let alone a man. He'd squinted at Jack as he stood in the doorway, trying to discern the expression on his face as he was silhouetted there, and if he'd been able to see it clearly, Daniel wondered just what he would have seen. Surely there was no way that Jack wasn't aware Daniel was bisexual? Once he'd calmed down from the initial shock of finding Jack standing in his doorway, the drive up the mountain had given Daniel lots of time to think. The USAF security records had to have detailed Daniel's sexual proclivities, he had no doubt about that, probably with times, dates and names all carefully and methodically noted in triplicate. And it wasn't that he thought Jack was homophobic - if Daniel had thought that was the case, he would have known with more certainty how to deal with what might happen next. After all, Jack wouldn't be the first person he'd come across since he started work for the SGC that felt that way. But Daniel was certain that wasn't the case, that Jack would probably be the last person he worked with who would stereotype someone based on something as simple as who they had sex with. So all Daniel could assume was that Jack *hadn't* been told about him, that the decision had been made when he joined the SGC in the first place to keep Daniel's sexuality a secret. Daniel had to agree that had probably been wise - he hadn't been all that popular in his new-found world where scientists were basically the bottom of the pecking order, so if word had got out that he wasn't solely interested in women, he might not have lived long enough to get to Abydos in the first place. Then, of course, Daniel had made a decision to keep his budding relationship with Nat secret, which might have been his first mistake. Should he have told his friends he was involved with someone? He smiled to himself, imagining their response if he'd done so. He knew that Sam would likely interrogate him for all the details he was prepared to give her, so there was no way that the minor fact that his relationship was with a man would pass her by. Daniel didn't expect her to be anything other than accepting of that possibility, or even a little relieved, maybe. He'd heard the gossip and knew that Sam had to know the grapevine said she was sleeping with at least one of her team-mates, if not all of them. That hadn't been helped by the little revelation that Anise had forced out of Jack, that particular piece of information travelling round the SGC faster that energy through a wormhole. The idea that Daniel was 'safe' and doubly so once she realized where his true interests lay, would probably appeal to Sam greatly. As for Teal'c, Daniel had no idea how the idea of him being involved with another man might be received by the Jaffa. Half the time he seemed tolerant of the odd ways of the Tau'ri, while at others he seemed to prefer the relative simplicity of the very ordered society of Chulak. Daniel had wondered what their attitude was to same-sex relationships, but that hadn't been something he could just drop into the conversation as they were going along. It was Jack's likely attitude he found hardest to consider. Not that he didn't feel he knew Jack, but that this was something he'd never really thought about. Something that was kept very separate from work, even as his relationships with his team-mates, and Jack in particular, spilled over into what he had formerly considered his private life. The boundaries between the two had blurred, casual phone calls inviting him to some sporting event or other as commonplace now as quiet evenings at home catching up on those little domestic chores that kept things ticking over. Both were equally a part of Daniel's life now and he found that he liked it that way. As a result, he wasn't sure he could have started a conversation that ended with him telling Jack all about Nat. Daniel wasn't even sure he'd have managed that if Nat had been a woman, knowing how much Jack knew of his ill-fated liaisons with the women they'd met because of their trips through the 'Gate. And then that whole thing with Sam had created a whole new awkwardness between them, a whole new area marked out with 'no entry' signs as it created friction within the team. Was it that Jack knew him too well, maybe? Maybe the problem was that sometimes Daniel felt that he didn't know Jack at all. At least, he knew what Jack wanted him to know, respecting the walls that Jack placed round himself, the walls that had allowed him to know just what to say to push Daniel away when he'd needed to. Jack knew Daniel's faults and foibles too - he could probably list them alphabetically or by date - but large parts of Jack were still a mystery to Daniel. And, as much as Daniel liked a mystery, his whole academic career springing from that fact, some mysteries just seemed too big to contemplate.
~~<<->>~~
He wasn't surprised in the slightest when Daniel arrived on his doorstep later that evening. If anything, Jack would have been more surprised if Daniel hadn't made an appearance, particularly after he'd tried so hard to avoid him at the SGC. The kind of conversation they were likely to be having shortly was really one Jack just didn't want to have on USAF property anyway. "What are you going to do, Jack?" Daniel asked before he was even completely in the door. He looked tense, worried; in short Daniel looked like he could jump out of his skin at the wrong word. "Do?" Jack echoed, wondering if that made him sound like an idiot. That clearly wasn't the right answer. Daniel was wringing his hands together now, long fingers twining with each other in an outward sign of the nervousness he was clearly feeling. Suddenly Jack got it. "You think that I...?" The words choked him, surprise making them hard to speak. How could Daniel think that of him? "What kind of asshole do you think I am?" He paused for a moment. "Don't answer that." To his credit, Daniel looked embarrassed to have even suggested Jack might make life difficult for him. He was looking at the floor now, rather than at Jack, and oddly Jack found the sight of that kind of embarrassment was a little comforting. At least that suggested they might be able to rescue something out of this almighty mess. "Sorry," Daniel muttered. "It's just you were avoiding me, and I thought..." The words trailed off. "It's okay," Jack said, feeling awkward as he wished for a remote. That way he could go back and make things as if he'd never walked in on Daniel this morning, and he wouldn't have to deal with this now. "Who is he?" There was silence for a moment. What little of Daniel's face Jack could see grew a little redder. "Just some guy I met," Daniel said. "In a bar." Jack found himself lost for words. Not only was his friend clearly not batting for the home side, which in itself was something he'd never suspected, he was out cruising bars? "Daniel, what the hell were you thinking?" Jack said, finding the words emerging from his mouth before he even realized he'd spoken them. "A bar?" This was no way to get Daniel to look at him any time in the near future, if the implacable way he was studying the carpet was anything to go by, but it was too late to stop that now. Jack wondered whether Daniel realized just how difficult a situation he was putting himself in. He couldn't tell anyone what he did for a living, for starters. Did Daniel ever take confidential material home, despite all the rules against him doing so? He studied Daniel for a moment, seeing the misery that was clear in the way he stood, hearing all the things he didn't say. Jack had expected Daniel to be angry at him for walking in on the two of them - he hadn't expected to find himself standing here like Jack was the school principal and Daniel had been hauled onto the carpet in front of him for some infraction. Jack sighed. "Does he have a name?" Daniel looked up at this question - it was clearly one that he hadn't expected to be asked. It seemed to take him a moment to clear his head, to make his voice work. "Nat. His name is Nat. He's an architect." "And you met him in a bar?" Jack was trying his hardest not to sound judgmental - judging from Daniel's reaction, it was working. "Three weeks ago. Just before we went to Russia." Daniel looked intently at him now, as if trying to see something, though Jack had no idea what. "You're okay with this?" He wasn't. How could he be? This was the first clue that Jack had been given that his friend, who normally seemed to be beating women off with a stick, had the same problem with men as well. And he'd missed the boat. "No chance of him getting Goa'ulded if he's not in the program," Jack said, with a smile. "I hope not," Daniel replied, relaxing visibly at this new tone in Jack's voice. "Maybe I'll get lucky this time." "I wish you'd told me, that's all. So I didn't walk in on you both that way." "Now that's a conversation I'd have *no* idea how to begin," Daniel said, a small smile quirking his mouth. "Somehow I thought that you knew... how I am." Daniel paused and Jack wasn't sure what reaction he was expecting. "Whatever happened to 'don't ask, don't tell', anyway?" Jack frowned at that and saw Daniel's smile disappear as quickly as it had been born. "You know I wasn't talking that way," he said. Jack paused, wondering. "You do know I wasn't talking that way?" "Colonel to civilian consultant?" Daniel asked, the smile almost reappearing. Jack shook his head. Some days Daniel just didn't live up to his genius billing. "I don't care who you sleep with, Daniel, it's none of my business. As long as it doesn't interfere with work, anyway." "It won't." Jack bit back the obvious response to that. In some ways, starting with the fact that Daniel hadn't managed to make it into work on time this morning, coupled with the fact that now he understood why he'd been more than a little distant in the past couple of weeks, it already was. "And I hope you're lucky as well," Jack continued, though the words were bitter in his mouth. He didn't hope that at all. He hoped that Daniel would realize soon that this Nat wasn't able to give him what he needed, because when he did and their relationship was over, Jack intended to be there. And this time, he knew what it was Daniel wanted.
~~<<->>~~
That went better than he had expected. From the time he'd left work to when he finally arrived at Jack's house, Daniel had almost worked himself up into a fever pitch of concern. Almost convinced himself that Jack was just biding his time before telling Hammond just how it was his favourite archaeologist liked to spend his free time. Which was ridiculous, really. The moment Daniel opened his mouth, that he'd seen Jack's reaction to the suggestion that somehow Jack would make his life difficult now he was aware of Daniel's sexual tendencies, he'd realized just how idiotic an idea that was. If Jack had ever wanted him off the team, he'd had a dozen opportunities before now, a hundred incidences that could have justified his removal from SG-1. That just wasn't the way Jack liked to do things. He wasn't sure if he believed Jack's good wishes, there was something that didn't quite ring true about them, but at least now things were out in the open between them. Daniel had almost taken the opportunity his own confession presented to press for Jack to do likewise. To clear the air between them over just what was going on between him and Sam, but something told him that wasn't a good idea. Some small spark of self-preservation, even though Jack kept on telling him his survival instincts left much to be desired. Dangerous ground. Particularly now that Jack seemed to have taken a step or three back from that whole idea, scrupulously fair towards all the team and seemingly oblivious to the chilly atmosphere between them all that was barely beginning to thaw. Still, it was a weight off Daniel's mind to tell Jack something, if not everything. There were some things he didn't need to know; after all, he wasn't even sure himself whether his relationship with Nat would last. There would be time to say more, if the need arose.
~~<<->>~~
Weeks passed and Jack became more and more uneasy. He was waiting for it all to fall apart, for Daniel's relationship to break down so he could step in and pick up the pieces, make himself indispensable. Jack found himself mentally practising the things he'd say, how he'd comfort Daniel in his loss, telling him that it was clear him and Nat just weren't meant to be. That there was no future in a relationship when Daniel couldn't even talk about what he did for a living when he went home at night. All the right things, said the right way, guaranteed to build a foundation for Jack getting what he found he was wanting more and more. What his daydreams seemed to consist of, most of the time, let alone his fantasies. The only problem was, it seemed, that Jack wasn't likely to get the opportunity for that conversation with Daniel any time soon. Daniel looked happier than Jack had seen him in a long time. He didn't hang round the SGC like he used to any more; he wasn't spending long hours poring over whatever the SG teams brought back from off-world. Daniel did his job, Jack couldn't fault him for that, but the obsessive edge he'd brought to it before just wasn't there. Jack couldn't rely any more on wandering into Daniel's office in the middle of the night and finding him still there. If he did, he was more than likely to find it empty. Now it seemed Daniel worked with one eye on the clock, as much as their schedule allowed them to do; as soon as it was time to head for home from the SGC, Daniel was out of the door. Jack kept telling himself that he was thinking first and foremost of Daniel's welfare, but he knew that for the lie it was. Every time he looked at Daniel he could see the evidence of that. Jack couldn't keep on kidding himself that he was being anything other than jealous and selfish where Daniel was concerned, no matter what he might want to think. Daniel was happy, but he was with someone else, and the idea clawed at him. He found himself starting to hate this 'Nat', even though he knew virtually nothing about him. Jack had caught just the swiftest of glimpses of him that day when he'd walked in on the two of them, so he didn't even have a clear mental picture to direct his venom towards. If he'd been asked, he couldn't have even said whether Nat was light or dark, he'd been so fixed on the discovery of a nearly- naked Daniel sprawled out across the bed as if in invitation. Except Jack had missed that party completely, it seemed. So, what could he do now? Patience was never his strong suit, but what choice did Jack have any more? He couldn't exactly order Daniel to end things with Nat, he knew what kind of response that would get and rightly so. And he wasn't egotistical enough to think that Daniel would throw this guy over just because he figured out Jack had a thing for him. How would he figure that out anyway? It wasn't as if Jack was going to tell him any time soon - just the idea made Jack shudder, that wasn't who he was. That kind of event only happened in the cheesiest of romantic movies, anyway - that wasn't the way the world worked, and who should know that better than Jack O'Neill? But it was clear that waiting it out wasn't working either. If anything, giving things time was only letting Daniel and Nat become closer, not giving Jack the opportunity to get between them. He hadn't realized before what a wide possessive streak he had. Not until this had all happened and his immediate response to discovering what was going on had been 'my Daniel, get your own'. Jack smiled to himself at the kind of response he was likely to get if he ever voiced those words in Daniel's earshot. Somehow, he couldn't see Daniel falling into his arms like some romantic heroine just because he was getting all macho and possessive. In fact, if Daniel ever figured out how Jack felt about him, unless Jack was very very careful, Daniel might never speak to him again. And if he realized that Jack had anything to do with his relationship with Nat coming to a sticky end, that was almost a racing certainty.
~~<<->>~~
Daniel lay on his side, watching Nat sleep. He was finding that he didn't suffer from insomnia as much as he used to - if he gave it any thought, Daniel supposed that the more regular hours he was keeping, combined with Nat's undivided attention when they were together, pretty much ensured that. But sometimes his brain just kept on working, despite everything, and that meant he would find himself watching Nat sleep. Daniel had decided that he liked the closeness, liked the fact that Nat was there; he was real and solid and wanted him. He'd waited long enough for a certain someone else to get an idea that he was interested and waited in vain. After a while Daniel had started to wonder whether there was something wrong with him - seeing just about anyone he had a relationship with develop something even more up close and personal with a Goa'uld kind of put a dent in his self-esteem. He'd tried to tell himself that he was happy, that being Jack's friend was enough for him, but it just didn't fill the void he'd discovered inside once he'd buried Sha're. And while Daniel appreciated Jack just being there for him, his steadfast friendship invaluable in the most difficult times, Daniel couldn't lie to himself and pretend he didn't want more, much more from Jack. More, it seemed, than Jack himself was able to comprehend. And then things had worsened, spiralled out of his control. Jack had made little effort to hide the fact that he was attracted to Sam, and Daniel had begun to wonder whether their team was starting to fall apart. Suddenly he didn't feel quite as important any more, quite as able to rely on Jack the way he always had. It was like waking up one morning to discover the sun rising in the west, everything he had come to rely on turned upside down. Finding Nat had been such a godsend; it had kept Daniel going when he'd felt like he was being pushed aside by two of the people he'd formerly considered his closest friends on the planet. They'd found themselves on a rollercoaster, moving from interest to intimacy in a matter of weeks, with a speed that Daniel had always been uncomfortable with before. But this time he'd needed that, needed to feel important to someone, and Nat had been there, more than willing to oblige. Nat himself was kind and funny - he was interested in the things that Daniel could tell him about himself and didn't press for more. For that alone, Daniel was eternally grateful. And the sex... the sex was great. He'd forgotten just how good it could feel, all the intimate memories of Sha're and the others before her pushed to the back of his mind so he didn't go crazy. The closeness, the rawness of it all, something Daniel had forgotten he needed, had made himself forget. Nat muttered a little in his sleep, rolling over so his back was to Daniel now. Daniel studied the line of Nat's side for a moment, and it took all the self control he could muster not to reach out and trail his fingers across the silken skin. But they both had an early start tomorrow, so at least one of them should get some sleep.
~~<<->>~~
Jack found himself watching Daniel more and more - was he looking for the first sign of unhappiness? Or was it just that he wanted to be sure that this 'Nat' was treating Daniel okay? Yeah, like he was that virtuous and selfless. Jack sighed, turning his head as the door to the 'Gate room opened and Daniel came in. Daniel was smiling, chatting with Sam, and Jack turned his attention back to the 'Gate itself, watching the chevrons light one by one. He didn't need to even look round when the 'Gate engaged and the wormhole billowed out to know that the rest of the team were there. Jack could almost sense their presence, their solidity beside him. If he tried, he could even imagine just what kind of expression he'd seen on their faces right now if he turned round. Some things hadn't changed, it seemed, even if Daniel had apparently turned into someone Jack didn't know any more. He'd tried not to think about Daniel having sex, really he had, but it just didn't work. It didn't take very much for Jack's overactive imagination to fantasise about what kind of expression would cross Daniel's mobile face, courtesy of the attentions given him by someone faceless. Someone Jack very much wished to take the place of.
~~<<->>~~
Missions like this were the bread and butter of what the SGC was about. Daniel knew that but that didn't stop him wishing he was back home. Instead of which, he had two more days of negotiations at least to look forward to, and at least another night under canvas. Another night sharing a tent with Jack when he'd much rather be home sharing a bed with Nat. Not that this was something he'd tell Jack, of course. Nor give him even the slightest inkling that this was the case. He had a reputation to maintain, after all, one of single minded obsessiveness to the cause of making nice with the locals. All the things that Jack found most tedious and Daniel found most likely to keep him coming back for more. Except Jack protested too much, sometimes. Made it seem like all he was interested in was fighting the Goa'uld, looking for new technology, when in fact he was just as good at the diplomatic stuff if he put his mind to it as anyone else on the team. But he had to be in the mood, had to see that it would benefit the SGC. Once that was clear, Jack could schmooze with the best. He couldn't help noticing that Jack was keeping an eye on him - nothing new about that, it was something Daniel had been forced to get used to from way back, Jack's mother hen instincts kicking in at the most inopportune moments. But this seemed different somehow. Jack was watchful, but not jumpy, so it wasn't that he thought there was the possibility of trouble. It almost seemed as though he was watching Daniel for the sake of watching him, a look of what almost seemed resigned sadness in his face. What was with that? Daniel filed that away mentally, marked 'will deal with this some time'. Of course, that likelihood hinged on him and Jack still talking at the end of the day - at times, that possibility seemed more than a little far-fetched.
~~<<->>~~
He'd tried to find a reason to deny Daniel's request for a temporary transfer, really he had. But all the possible excuses he could use sounded as petty and trivial as they were - destined to cause more problems than refusing Daniel the chance to go off-world with SG-11 would solve. The last thing Jack needed was to get Daniel mad at him, unless he had a clear and undeniable reason that he could wave in Daniel's face to fend him off. And since he didn't have one this time round, it looked like Daniel would be going off-world soon, trowel in hand. Somehow, for some reason he couldn't quite put his finger on, Jack had a bad feeling about this.
~~<<->>~~
He knew Jack didn't like it. It would have taken a thicker skin that he'd ever possessed for Daniel to be able to ignore Jack's palpable dislike of the idea of 'lending out' his archaeologist to all and sundry. Even when he was asking to be lent out, asking to get the chance to go study a planet that could possibly be the home of the Goa'uld themselves. Daniel had even gone so far as preparing his argument, point by point of 'why I should go', each item supported by at least one vaguely military reason. All of which work had been wasted when Jack had done the unexpected, just signed the appropriate form and wished Daniel happy digging. Too easy by far. Still, the idea of excavations on what could be the centre of the Goa'uld universe appealed greatly. So much so that, by the time he'd started to make a list of what he needed to take, Daniel had pushed the concept of Jack being obliging to the back of his mind. For now, at least.
~~<<->>~~
Walking into the infirmary to the sound of Daniel grousing about his wrists being bandaged was like taking a step back in time. Jack felt the weight of responsibility lessen a little as he crossed to Daniel's bedside unobserved. All the hours spent looking for Daniel, hardly knowing whether he would be alive when they finally tracked down the Unas that had taken him, had been a heavy burden. And then there had been Rothman. "Doctor's orders?" he asked, smiling to himself as Daniel jumped a little. The nurse, just putting the finishing touches to the second of a matching pair of bandaged wrists, said nothing. "Well, isn't this just a little like overkill?" Daniel asked, flourishing one wrist in Jack's general direction. Jack smiled. "So do you want to tell Janet she doesn't know what she's doing, or shall I?" Daniel just looked at him for a moment, then his mouth snapped shut and he looked away without speaking. The nurse finished up, gathering her equipment and leaving the two of them alone. Jack could have sworn that she winked at him as she passed. There was silence for a moment. "What're you going to say?" Jack asked, wondering if Daniel had an answer for him. "About what?" Daniel looked round, shuffling a little on the bed so they were face to face now, his hands resting in his lap. "The bandages," Jack said. "Explaining them should be an interesting conversation." Daniel looked down at his hands, then up again. "Looks like I need to do some avoiding," he said.
~~<<->>~~
He didn't like to think how it could have turned out. If his guess had been wrong, if he hadn't been able to communicate with Chaka after all, make him understand that he wasn't just a nicely packaged human Happy Meal. Seeing the way the Unas had dealt with that Goa'uld, the casual ease with which it had been dismembered, made Daniel try not to think about that kind of possibility at all. Not that his subconscious necessarily cooperated with that. He'd been almost forced to hide out at the SGC, his all-too-obvious injuries impossible to explain away. The bandages alone were a giveaway, would lead to far more questions from Nat than Daniel could ever care to answer. If he had the words to explain.
~~<<->>~~
Jack found himself making a special effort to spend time with Daniel over the next few days, now Daniel's avoidance tactics where Nat was concerned meant that he had the prospect of Daniel all to himself for a little while. It took a surprisingly short amount of time to fall back into the old routines, hanging around Daniel's office and pestering him when someone just a little less polite than Daniel might well have told him to get lost ages ago. Now if only Jack could stop thinking about what had happened back on the planet, and what had almost happened. That could just as easily have all taken place the other way round, Rothman dragged off by the Unas and Daniel made a host. That was a combination Jack didn't want to think about, for lots of reasons - not only did he suspect that Rothman wouldn't have lasted long enough not to become Sunday dinner for the Unas, the very idea of putting a bullet in Daniel, regardless of the lack of alternatives, made Jack's stomach head directly for his throat as if it was trying to escape. It had to be the bandages. He'd keep forgetting what had happened, allowing himself to push it to the back of his mind, then Jack would catch sight of them, a flash of white peeking out of the sleeve of Daniel's jacket, and it would all come flooding back. Jack snapped back to reality, realizing Daniel was speaking to him. "Jack? You okay?" "Sure," he said, wondering what he'd missed. "Just thinking about Rothman." He saw Daniel turn at his thoughtless words, back to the papers he'd been studying, his back stiff with unspoken sorrow. "Damn. Sorry. I didn't think." They hadn't spoken about it at all. Wasn't this a prime opportunity for Jack to drive a wedge between Daniel and Nat? Give Daniel the comfort he needed over the death of an old friend, make himself indispensable? Daniel said nothing, he didn't need to. What the hell was he thinking, anyway? The realization hit Jack like someone had turned on a light in his brain, suddenly blinding him. He was planning to use the death of one of Daniel's friends, someone he had killed, for his own benefit? Even the thought of it left a sour taste in his mouth. "I should go," he said, getting up from where he'd been sitting and heading out of Daniel's office as fast as he could, not looking back. Even the pile of reports, normally the last thing Jack wanted to spend an afternoon doing, seemed better than thinking about what he was turning into, what he was willing to do in order to have a chance at getting something he so desperately wanted.
~~<<->>~~
This was rapidly turning into another one of those days when Daniel had no idea whatsoever how Jack's mind worked. One minute he was sitting there, comfortably annoying Daniel, and the next they'd wandered onto dangerous ground. Of course, he didn't want to think about what it might be like for Jack to have to kill someone he knew, even if he wasn't sure how Jack felt about Rothman. Even if Rothman had taken residence in the place in Jack's heart reserved for annoying geeks, the one that Daniel had not long left vacant, that couldn't make shooting him any easier? The bandages round his wrists were a tactile reminder for both of them, it seemed. They certainly made it impossible for Daniel to forget the decisions Jack had been forced to make back on the Unas planet. He looked down at them once more. Just another thing to add to the long and ever-growing list of 'what we don't talk about' where Nat was concerned. No talking about work at all; no sharing in the excitement of discovery or a translation problem finally cracked; no solace for losing someone at the hand of a friend on a far distant planet.
~~<<->>~~
It was a nasty idea, and probably wrong, but the moment Jack had considered it he'd been forced to wonder. It wasn't that he didn't think Daniel capable of attracting someone - he'd seen the way Daniel was with women, so why should it be any different with men? But when he actually gave it some thought, it seemed too convenient that Daniel had found someone so easily, considering how little free time they seemed to have. Though, when he thought back on the last few months since everything between them had gone to hell in a handbasket, Jack knew he had no idea any more how Daniel passed his time. Not since they'd stopped hanging out together in the wake of what happened. They'd just stopped doing some of the things they used to do together, stopped making the casual arrangements they used to, drifted apart before Jack had even realized what had happened. And when he had, Jack did nothing about it. Jack assumed Daniel had immersed himself in books even more than before, that he'd maybe gone to the movies, but he'd never envisaged him going to bars. That just didn't seem to fit with the Daniel he knew - the Daniel he'd known before Jack's hormones and an alien machine conspired to rob him of what little sense he'd formerly possessed. Jack sighed, wondering just when he'd stepped into the Twilight Zone. He had to admit that he had a pretty good idea, if he was honest. One minute he was going along, knowing Carter had something of a hero-worship thing going on for him, and the next he was admitting to something that wasn't really something at all. Just the idea of a moment's creation, a pipedream that never should have been discussed but was brought to light when Jack had least expected it. After all, he should be flattered, right? That someone as smart as Carter, someone who made men's heads turn when she walked in the room, was interested in Jack O'Neill in any way, shape or form. He might not feel the same way about her, but he wasn't dead, after all. And he did care about her. Carter was part of his team, his second in command, someone Jack considered a friend and a damn good one at that. But he knew it couldn't go anywhere, that any chance of it producing something positive was buried under a ton of regulations, paperwork so heavy that tiny possibility was left crushed and lifeless. He didn't have to like it, but that was the way it was, so Jack had to live with it. Then Anise had messed with his head, messed with both their heads, till they hardly knew which way was up. It had taken a while for them to figure it out, an awkward space of time characterized on both their parts by long looks that made Jack wince to recall them. It was only when he'd kissed Carter that Jack knew there was nothing to it. He'd been slowly going crazy, trapped in an endless loop like that god-awful film, and he'd decided to see what it was like. And it had been fine. Not great, not earth-shattering, not fireworks in the sky. Nice, fine, and never to be repeated. Of course, afterwards, Jack had avoided the subject completely whenever he could. With Carter in particular, but also with everyone else, pulling back behind the wall of professionalism he so often chose to ignore. Trying to forget how he'd concentrated on Carter, the damage he'd inflicted on his relationship with the others, hoping against hope that it would all just go away. But somewhere in that space, while he was doing a damn fine tortoise impersonation, Daniel had found someone else. Someone who could give him something Jack wanted to provide, and wasn't that just a little too easy? He had to find out more about this 'Nat', make sure he was just who he said he was, that he didn't have an ulterior motive for getting up close and personal with Daniel. He still had enough contacts from his previous life that it wouldn't be all that difficult - it wasn't as if surveillance was that difficult when you knew all the tricks he did. Nat wouldn't know, Daniel would never find out, and at least Jack would be able to decide whether this guy was an NID plant or something.
~~<<->>~~
"Something wrong?" Daniel looked up from the book he was reading to the man who'd spoken, the man under whose legs Daniel's feet were currently tucked. This was one of the things he liked about being with someone, the closeness it afforded him, as well as the sex, of course. "I can't..." "You can't talk about it. I know." Nat shook his head, then turned his attention back to the TV. Daniel sighed, resting the book against his legs. Why didn't Nat understand? It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about work, it was just that he couldn't do it. As much as a part of him wanted to ignore the exchange, to continue reading, Daniel studied Nat's profile as the light from the TV flickered over his face. What the hell am I doing? he thought suddenly, as he watched Nat. I'm in a relationship with someone I have to lie to all the time, someone I can't even tell what I did at work today. Daniel sighed, replacing his bookmark as he closed the book. Suddenly he just wasn't all that interested in reading. This isn't going to work, is it? Had he been kidding himself all this time? Telling himself that the sex was enough, the closeness was enough, that they had sufficient things in common that the large area of his life Daniel couldn't talk about just wasn't important any more? It was certainly starting to look very much that way. He'd had to be selective every time he opened his mouth. Selective about his past, ruthlessly editing it to leave no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding, turning Sha're from a woman from another planet into someone he didn't see any more. Flat words, hiding a pain Daniel still carried, turning the woman he had once loved more than life itself almost into an acquaintance instead of someone he'd once planned to spend the rest of his life with. She deserved better than that. It was as though, with Nat, for all his understanding and compassion, Daniel found himself becoming two-dimensional. He had to hide so much of what he'd seen, what he'd experienced, turning significant chunks of his life into things he'd read about in books, or that had never happened in the first place. At least with Jack and the others he was able to talk freely, when he needed and wanted to. They knew Daniel's history, even if parts of it had been discovered reluctantly, old pains exposed unwillingly. They'd shared so much with him, and he missed that. He missed Jack.
~~<<->>~~
Jack knew it would have been a mistake; even if it had worked it would have been a mistake. Harassing Nat directly would have been even more unthinkable, something he could only contemplate in a moment of madness. After all, there was no way that Daniel wouldn't have figured it out in time, wouldn't have known just what Jack had done, and that would have been the end of everything. He could almost forgive himself for checking up on Nat - there'd been the possibility, after all, that he was an NID plant. If there was information about Daniel's sexuality in his initial security clearance, there was no way the NID didn't know about it by now, even if Jack himself had been unaware. Hopefully, if Daniel ever discovered Jack had done what he needed to, to make sure Nat was who he seemed to be, he'd understand. Eventually. Anyway, Nat had checked out, had turned out to be just exactly what he'd told Daniel he was, the junior partner in a firm of architects, posessor of a spotless police record and all-round nice guy. The more he knew about the guy, the things he liked, the causes he supported, the more perfect Nat seemed for Daniel. At the same time, Jack found that he hated him more and more. He kept trying to tell himself that his conscience was clear, and that was the important thing, but his bed was empty too. Jack had chosen to do the noble thing after all, no matter what his motives, when he could have traded on the things Daniel had lost to get what he wanted - now he was paying the price for being moral. And meanwhile, over on the other side of town, Daniel was with someone else. Someone Jack didn't like, someone he still didn't trust even slightly despite all he'd discovered when checking up on him, someone Jack still felt he knew almost nothing about. He couldn't tell Daniel any of this. Even if he wanted to. There was no way that Daniel could possibly understand how Jack felt about him, no way his actions over the past days and weeks wouldn't be misinterpreted. His relationship with Nat was Daniel's business and his alone, Jack told himself, and who was he to pry? But a part of Jack still wanted to know more and more, craved that knowledge like a junkie craved a fix. What was it about this 'Nat' that Daniel liked so much? Even with what he'd discovered about him, Nat was still an enigma. Jack didn't want to think that there was something he couldn't give Daniel, some need this other man was able to recognise and meet, with Jack left floundering in his wake. Who was he kidding? Even if he'd realized Daniel wasn't straight, would he have actually done anything about it? For longer than he cared to think about, despite the rebellious façade he put across, Jack had known himself to essentially be a conformist. Someone who lived by the rules, the big ones at least. A conservative with a small 'c'. And maybe, just maybe, that was part of the reason why Daniel had gone looking somewhere else.
~~<<->>~~
Jack didn't know whether he wanted to shake Daniel till his teeth rattled or kiss him with relief. He'd asked Daniel to find him an alternative, so who was he to argue now he'd done just what he'd been asked to do? Even if the thought of Daniel still being on that ship when Jack gave the order to blow it away made his blood run cold. He intended to have a few words with Daniel next time they had a room to themselves, a few choice words that would probably involve a large amount of shouting if the way he was feeling at the moment was anything to go by. Thinking of Daniel seemed to conjure him up, appearing from nowhere in a flash of light, Lotan at his side. "Jack?" He recognised the unspoken question, wrapped up in Daniel speaking his name. Just checking that Jack wasn't about to attempt to separate his head from his shoulders, it seemed. "Daniel." No clues, Daniel. He saw the uncertainty grow in Daniel's eyes, the way Daniel turned his attention back to Lotan, mediating between him and the people he'd saved. The people he was about to evacuate to another planet, their own home planet. So, Daniel had saved them, using his words to make a difference like so many times before. Jack didn't want to think what Hammond's response would be once he read everyone's reports, once he realized that Jack had disobeyed a direct order and tried to destroy the ship. Two mistakes rolled into one. He'd pushed Daniel into proving himself somehow and then he'd almost pushed the button on him. Somehow, didn't it feel a little like things had gone full circle? Only a couple of months back, Jack's life had been in Daniel's hands, and now positions had been reversed. Maybe now they could move on, move forward? Maybe.
~~<<->>~~
He'd been nervous of his reception, there was no doubt about that. Even though he'd expected Jack to be angry with him, known that, despite doing the right thing he might well have done it the wrong way, Daniel hadn't thought that anger would last. He'd banked on Jack just being glad to see he was alive and well to take the sting from the tail. Clearly he'd been wrong about that. Jack was giving him the great stoneface routine, studiously avoiding looking at him as he talked with the villagers and Lotan. Daniel couldn't help being pleased with himself, regardless of Jack's attitude - he'd made a real difference to the lives of all the people here. And now they were going home. Home. That sounded really good all of a sudden, except that this time he really didn't want anyone else there. Daniel wanted sanctuary, time to figure out just how he felt about coming that close to death once more, but the moment Nat knew he was back in town what chance was there of that? That thought stayed with him all the way back to the 'Gate. He'd arranged everything with Lotan and the Enkarans, and now Daniel wanted nothing more than his couch, his books and his bed, not necessarily in that order. Of course, Jack actually talking to him would be nice as well. Daniel studied the back of Jack's head as he followed him back to the 'Gate, wondering just how long Jack could delay the inevitable shouting match. Long enough to drive him crazy? Or would Jack's anger with him make his patient silence snap first? They waited in silence by the DHD, Jack's terse instructions to dial the only words exchanged between them. That silence continued through into the 'Gate room, where Jack paused at the foot of the ramp for a brief conversation with Hammond, letting Daniel and the others head for the locker room without him. Daniel had noticed the sidelong glances from Sam and Teal'c, the ones full of enquiry, wondering how Daniel was going to deal with the conflict ahead. "Just say it," Daniel said, as they headed down the corridor. "I was wrong, I shouldn't have gone to the ship without telling Jack, I shouldn't have saved the planet." He couldn't help it, the sense of achievement just bubbled over. "I'm not sure that's a line I'd use on the colonel," Sam said, with a smile. "Indeed." Daniel smiled, feeling a little more certain of his survival. Even if Jack was angry with him, the rest of his team could see beyond that, could see the bigger picture. Daniel was getting dressed after the hastiest shower in history when Jack walked into the locker room. Suddenly the air there seemed icy. He couldn't help repressing a tiny shudder when Jack walked past him, eyes looking anywhere but at Daniel. He didn't want to make the first move, because what would that mean? After all, Daniel told himself as he pulled on his shirt, he was in the right. He'd done what Hammond wanted of him, found a way to make things work for both Lotan's mission and the Enkarans, so why should he have to crawl to get back into Jack's favour? No, Daniel decided, ignoring Jack the way he was being ignored. He wouldn't do that. No matter what. He didn't speak with Jack before he left the locker room, heading out to the elevator and up to the surface. But Jack's suppressed anger, the silent disapproval written so clearly in every line of his body, stayed with Daniel. All the way down the mountain, driving home, Daniel's mind kept going back to Jack's attitude, and he grew angrier by the passing minute. "Daniel?" Daniel rested his forehead against the cool wood of the apartment door as he closed it. That was all he needed. Nat appeared in the doorway, a magazine in his hand. "I wasn't expecting you home yet." "What are you doing here, Nat?" Daniel asked, trying to push the anger he felt towards Jack back to where he could deal with it. "You gave me a key, remember?" Anger bubbled so close under the surface Daniel could almost taste it. He knew it was wrong, after all it wasn't really Nat he was angry with, but that wasn't enough to stop the words from slipping out. "Go home, Nat," he said. "I can't deal with this right now." Nat looked at him, and Daniel saw the way his hand tightened on the magazine he held. "Go home?" he echoed. "What's going on with you, Daniel?" Daniel shook his head, suddenly more tired than he could recall feeling in a long time. The successful mission, all the things he'd achieved no matter how unorthodox his methods, seemed a long way past now. "I can't..." Nat laughed, the scornful sound echoing in the narrow hallway. "Top secret, you could tell me but you'd have to kill me?" It was Nat's voice Daniel heard, but the words were pure Jack, destined to push him straight to the thin end of the branch. "Enough." The vehemence of his tone surprised Daniel - it clearly surprised Nat as well, who eyed him a little warily. "You've had all you're going to get from me, Nat. It was fun while it lasted but I can't do this any more." "So that's it?" "It looks that way." Daniel took a couple of steps past where Nat was standing, heading towards the bathroom and sanctuary. "I'm sorry," he continued, without turning. He couldn't deal with the expression he expected to see on Nat's face, not right now. "I didn't want things to end like this." "But you did want them to end." The words cut through him, not their tone, but the emotion behind them. They stopped Daniel in his tracks, uncertain for a moment. He could still change this, turn around, grovel as much as he needed to and try to make everything okay between him and Nat. If he wanted to. "Didn't you?" "Yes," Daniel said, surprising himself a little with the calmness of his own voice. "I think I did." "Then I'll get the hell out of your life, Daniel," Nat replied. Daniel moved then, heading for the balcony this time. He opened the door and let himself outside, careless of the coldness in the air. The view from here, right across town, was the first thing that had attracted him to this apartment, and it never failed to fascinate him. At least it gave him something to look at while he could hear Nat gathering his things in the apartment itself. When the apartment door finally closed, Daniel looked down at his hands where they gripped the balcony railing. His knuckles were white, the skin stretched so tightly across them that they looked as though the bone might pop through at any moment. He took a deep breath, relaxing his grip as he did so, wondering just when everything in his life had spiralled so out of control.
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| Continued in part 2... | |