|
As usual, Teal'c was already set for the mission, one of the perks
of living on base, Jack supposed. Not that there were many of those,
what with the almost continual surveillance and the lousy food. But
Teal'c was punctual, he was neat, and he didn't seem to object too
much as long as he got out once in a while.
And that readiness for the mission left Jack and Daniel alone in the locker room, which was usually something Jack looked forward to. Well, most of the time, the times unlike now, the times when Daniel didn't look like a puppy that had been kicked a few times too many and then left by the side of the road. He'd considered giving him the silent treatment once more, but as the hours had passed, Jack had begun to wonder how much of his anger towards Daniel was related to the mission and how much was due to something else. Due to another emotion completely, if he was honest with himself. And now he'd seen the expression on Daniel's face, Jack was glad he'd made that decision. "Trouble in paradise?" Jack asked. His tone was joking but the way that Daniel whirled round on him showed that he was anything but amused. "Hey, just a joke." "Save it, Jack," Daniel snapped. "I'm not in the mood." Jack watched him walk away, studied the way Daniel stalked out of the locker room as if a small dark cloud hovered overhead. He shook his head, then turned back to doing up his bootlaces.
~~<<->>~~
Daniel finished typing up his post-mission report and leaned back in his chair, waiting for the printer to finish whirring. He couldn't understand why, in this age of technology, he couldn't just mail his report to the general but, whether it was the reassurance of routine or some other reason, Hammond still seemed to prefer everything in ink and paper, rather than pixels. Trust Jack to make that dumbass comment just before the briefing, one that had left Daniel fuming silently all the way through the mission itself. And as for himself, Daniel wondered that every time he opened his mouth, he seemed to come out with comments that only kept reminding him of Jack, as if they had some kind of pyschic link or something. Was he channelling Jack now? He stretched, hearing the vertebrae pop. Of course, Daniel reflected as he leaned back in his chair, sassing Dr. Tanner the phony psychiatrist might have been a bad idea in the long run, but he'd been threatened by far scarier and lived to tell the tale. Most of the time, anyway. At least Sam hadn't asked him to explain himself, or done anything but accept his snarkiness as they'd ventured into danger together. There was something about that kind of acceptance which Daniel found immensely comforting. She'd seemed to sense that all was not well with him, but unlike Jack she hadn't joked about it, just been there for him without pushing. The sound of his office door opening brought Daniel back to the here and now. He glanced over his shoulder. "Daniel? You done yet?" "Just printing it off, Sam." Daniel turned his attention back to the printer, just in time to see it finish. "You?" "Done." Daniel looked back to where Sam seemed to be loitering by the doorway, a slightly uncomfortable expression on her face. "What?" "Is everything okay, Daniel?" Whatever response Sam had expected, she seemed to be relieved by what she saw in Daniel's face, rushing on with her words. "I mean, you and the colonel haven't said much to each other in the last couple of days and I wondered..." "Everything's fine. I can't talk about it, Sam, but it's nothing Jack's done." Those few words seemed to be enough to reassure her. "Good. Because I thought when the colonel and Teal'c went one way and we went another that you were mad with him or something..." She left the sentence hanging, clearly waiting for Daniel to deny it. He turned his attention back to the report he was holding, shuffling through the pages to make sure they were all there, straightening them unnecessarily. "Or something," he replied, eventually, answering her unspoken question. He'd spoken more to fill the silence that hung awkwardly between them than for any other reason. It wasn't a lie, after all. He wasn't mad with Jack as such, even though his crass comment had ruffled Daniel's feathers - though he'd argued with Nat, though that relationship was over, he hadn't thought himself so easily read. And then there was something about Marty that struck a little too close to home. More than one something, to be precise - that could so easily have been him, Daniel realized, the crackpot with the odd theories, drugged up to his eyeballs to keep him 'safe'. "We didn't mean it to happen, you know?" The words were sudden, unexpected, and there was something in Sam's voice then apart from the content of the words themselves that made Daniel turn back to her, the report clutched in his hands, forgotten. "It kind of sneaked up on the two of us and even now I don't know how much of it was real and how much was Anise's machine." Daniel found himself looking at Sam this time, really looking at her for the first time in what seemed like months. They'd been close before, close in a way that Daniel had found both strange and comforting, a closeness that he'd missed as much as he had missed Jack. She looked worried, that was obvious enough, the uncomfortable expression still lurking there too - she also looked like she wasn't sure of anything any more. "That's got to be... unsettling." That had to be the understatement of the century. Daniel thought for a moment about how he'd felt pushed aside, like he suddenly wasn't as important to either Jack or Sam as he'd always expected to be. "It hurt, Sam." Even those simple words stuck in his throat. Sam seemed to find the small patch of carpet in front of her feet a great source of fascination. "That was the last thing we wanted, Daniel," she said. "The last thing I wanted. And once we'd thought about it, I think both the colonel and I realized there was no way it could ever work anyway. Even if it was real. Neither of us wanted it badly enough to give up the things we'd have needed to for it to stand a chance of working." "I'm not angry, Sam," Daniel found himself saying. "Not with you and not with Jack either. Not about that. Not any more. There's other stuff, stuff I can't talk about, that's all. Not now, anyway." Daniel knew that sounded lame, but that was as much as he was prepared to say for now. The words seemed to spiral in on him even as they left his mouth. The other things had been painful enough for Daniel to voice them, he couldn't now turn round and tell Sam all about Nat. He needed more time and distance, to give both those things a chance to dull the ache he was feeling.
~~<<->>~~
He'd looked for the opportunity to make it all okay, it was just that opportunity never arose; at least that's what Jack kept on telling himself. Sure, he shouldn't have opened his mouth in the first place, he should never have made that crack to Daniel when he'd seen all wasn't right in ArchaeologistWorld, but as usual Jack knew he couldn't quite help himself. Another prime example of 'open mouth, insert foot' to add to an already lengthy list. Jack picked up the paper from where it lay on the porch, tucking it under his arm as he fumbled with the keys, taking his time in selecting the right one. Another night at home, alone; as the door opened he wondered just what it was that Daniel had to be so moody about earlier anyway. Maybe there really was something going on in that otherwise perfect relationship between Daniel and Nat? Maybe the gilt was starting to wear off of the gingerbread? And not before time... Then, with his own consummate sense of timing, Jack had managed to make himself the last person Daniel might turn to for comfort in his hour of need. Heading into the kitchen, Jack tossed the newspaper onto the counter as he opened a cupboard. The weight of the glass in his hand was comforting and it seemed to pull at him. He could just lose himself that way - a few drinks and an inane movie and Jack could push aside all his thoughts about Daniel. For tonight, anyway. But that wouldn't make them go away permanently. Nothing would. Jack placed the glass carefully back into the cupboard and closed it once more. There was no escape that way, not without putting his foot onto a downward slope, one he'd travelled before. Climbing inside a bottle of booze wasn't a permanent answer to how he felt about Daniel. The problem was, there wasn't one. He could find someone else, Jack told himself, as he waited for the coffee to brew. He could do what Daniel had done, try and find someone outside the SGC, someone who wasn't involved in all the crap they lived with day by day. Someone who wouldn't ask for more than he was able to give, who would tolerate him disappearing for days on end without an explanation. The more he thought about it, the more Jack realized he'd be lucky to find someone like that. But, if he even could, that still had to be less fraught with problems that the situation he'd got himself into with Carter. For a while he hadn't even been able to meet her eyes, because of what they'd been forced to confess to. He'd known for a while that there was precious little secrecy in the SGC, that was a given for any place where people worked so closely. Jack just hadn't counted on that particular piece of news travelling quite so fast and in Daniel's direction at that. Jack had seen the look of disbelief on Daniel's face the next time they met, even if at the time he hadn't quite known it for what it was. Daniel tried so hard to hide his feelings, trying to 'fit in' better in his new military world, but he wasn't always successful. He'd turned away from the team at the same time Jack's own actions had caused a rift between them, making their every interaction awkward and unnatural. Had he driven Daniel to look for someone else? Of course, it wasn't right that Daniel should be alone, just because he was alone too. And it didn't look like they were going to be solving that loneliness by being together any time this millennium either. That was just a pipedream, one that Jack didn't even know he had until he discovered it was something unobtainable. Even if things weren't going so well for Daniel, at least he'd had someone. For as long as it lasted, Jack somehow found a tiny corner of his soul that was happy for Daniel, that wanted him to be happy even if he wasn't the one Daniel turned to when things got rough.
~~<<->>~~
This time, at least, when Daniel got home he found he was alone. No unexpected visitors, no messages on his answering machine, just silence and solitude. Closing the apartment door behind him, Daniel took it all in, comparing everything to the last time he'd been home. The last time when he and Nat had argued, when the anger and self-pity he was feeling over losing a friend, let alone all the other emotions Daniel had been bottling up for so long, had come rushing out and Nat had just happened to be around. Wrong place, wrong time. Because if he was going to be angry with anyone, shouldn't that someone be Jack? They were the ones who'd gone head to head over what should happen back on the planet, as they both searched for a way to save the Enkarans. And even before that there was the death of Robert Rothman and the betrayal Daniel had felt when he'd heard the things Jack had admitted to concerning Sam. All the things they had never talked about just turning over and over inside Daniel's head till he thought he'd go crazy. Jack had been the one who was responsible, the one at the heart of all those situations, but Nat had ended up with the fallout. That didn't seem fair, somehow. Daniel crossed to the telephone and picked up the receiver. He could call Nat, ask him to come over, go over to Nat's place. Or not. He cradled the receiver, his hand still resting on the cool plastic. What would it achieve anyway? It would just be a temporary solution, if Nat would even go along with a reconciliation - Daniel couldn't tell himself that it could last. How could it, when he could never truly be himself with Nat? The same would be true for anyone outside the SGC that he was involved with. He wouldn't be lying to them, there was no way he could countenance that, but Daniel also knew he would never be allowed to tell them the truth. And that, one day, they could just get some coldly-worded letter to say that Daniel had been killed - something that said very little of the true circumstances but that was all that could be said. Something just like Robert Rothman's family would have received. He couldn't do that to anyone. Not now he'd begun to realize what was at stake. How could he put someone through that? After all, Daniel told himself, every time they stepped through the 'Gate, that was always a possible outcome. So what did that leave? Only someone within the SGC, and even that held distinct possibilities for making life difficult for everyone concerned. The downside of such a relationship could so easily outweigh the benefits. There were no easy solutions there. Particularly as Daniel realized that there were very few people in the SGC that he trusted, despite the years he'd now spent working among them; even fewer of those people he could summon up any kind of desire for. It was an ever dwindling field of possibilities, populated sparsely once he also winnowed out the people who just wouldn't be interested or who already had someone else. In fact, it left few enough people for Daniel to count on the fingers of one hand with fingers to spare.
~~<<->>~~
This time he caught up with Daniel just as he was getting into the elevator. As the doors closed, it took a moment for Jack to make his brain work, to make the words he wanted to say emerge. "Are you... you know..?" Damn, way to go with the smooth and suave, O'Neill. Daniel looked at him for a moment, his eyes intent as if they searched Jack's face for the missing words. "Okay?" Daniel suggested. Jack nodded. "Because I was a putz," Jack continued, reassured by Daniel's input to the conversation. "Hard as that might be to believe." Daniel smiled a little at this, still tentatively. "I was out of line. That thing I said." Damn, this wasn't easy, apologising without broadcasting to the entire base exactly what Daniel had going on. "You were." "You could argue with me about that..." Jack said. Daniel frowned. "Or not." There was silence for a moment - Jack realized Daniel was watching the numbers on the wall panel flicker, the numbers that told him how far down into the mountain they were. "And are you?" Jack continued, suddenly aware he'd never received an answer to his stumbling question. "Okay, I mean?" Daniel looked at him then. "Why do you want to know, Jack?" "Because I'm a little worried I opened my mouth just to change feet," Jack said, thinking he was still in danger of doing just that. "Is that allowed?" Daniel turned his attention back to the floor numbers and watched the lights flicker there for a moment before he answered. "That thing you said, Jack. You were a little too close to the bone, I guess. I think I just got thrown out of paradise, if I ever really lived there." Before Jack could ask just what that meant, the elevator doors opened, and Daniel walked out, leaving him behind. It took a moment before Jack moved, his mind still reacting faster than his body, as he pondered Daniel's parting shot.
~~<<->>~~
He hadn't been able to shut Sam up for days, once she knew that the test flight had been given the okay. The only thing better, Daniel decided, would have been if she'd been allowed the pilot's seat itself. Instead of which she just got to drool over the way it worked, which seemed to be more than enough to keep Sam Carter's scientific mind happy. And Teal'c liked the idea of flying again, even if he didn't show the same amount of enthusiasm. Or any at all, in fact. The stories of him flying that ship through the 'Gate to help rescue them from Hathor had circulated incredibly quickly round the complex just as soon as SG-3 had got back. Seemed as though even Marines appreciated a fancy piece of flying when they saw it. And Jack? Jack was just himself. He didn't seem overly excited about the test flight, or overly disinterested either. But then maybe when you knew there was a seat just waiting for you the next time round, whether you were planning to drool over the prospect or not, that was the way it affected you? Not that this had stopped Jack from using the fact he would soon be up there in the damn plane to get Sam going more than once. That would have been too much to ask. "Daniel?" The door to his office had opened without him even noticing, and it wasn't till he heard his name that Daniel turned round to greet his visitor. "Paul. I'd heard you might be joining us." Major Davis smiled. "Wouldn't have missed this for the world," he said.
~~<<->>~~
Funny how a near death experience makes a hell of a lot of things much clearer, Jack decided, as he lay back on the bunk. Of course, he supposed it would just have been too much to ask for nearly freezing to death to clarify just how he felt about Daniel. That still wasn't certain, every time he thought he had a handle on it, the feelings just seemed to slip from his grasp. He knew there was an element of jealousy, of possessiveness, but he still had no idea how deep that went. Whether it was that feeling of being pushed aside in favour of someone else that had sparked this all off in the first place. Or whether there was something more, something that he was kidding himself about, at the root of it all. And if he'd known that he stood a chance with Daniel, assuming Daniel was inclined to feel the same for him? Nope. Jack stared at the ceiling, wondering just when he'd lost his mind. Hadn't he learnt anything from that run-in with his hormones over Carter? A nasty thought surfaced, like a shark coming up from the depths. What if this was there all the time, the way he seemed to feel now about Daniel - what if the only reason he'd allowed the thing with Carter to go so far was so that he could pretend he didn't feel that kind of emotion towards another member of his team entirely? Was he really that capable of fooling himself? Jack didn't like to think so, but he had to consider the possibility. And he'd felt jealous when he'd walked in on Daniel and Nat, that much was certain. So was that it? Was he cursed to feel this way about Daniel, with no hope of anything ever happening between them? After all, Jack reminded himself, he'd missed what chance he might have had - it could have been him that Daniel had turned to that night, not some stranger in a bar. Instead of which, he was alone. Something nagged at the back of Jack's mind, something that Daniel had mentioned, like an itch he couldn't scratch. Something wasn't quite right between Daniel and Nat, that was certain, but Jack was fed up with making himself crazy over the things he'd missed out on. Over Daniel. Whatever else, he couldn't do this any more.
~~<<->>~~
He'd been glad to see Paul, more glad than he'd expected when he'd heard the major was on his way there from the Pentagon again. After all, he was one of the few military officers Daniel really got along with, there was something about him that Daniel always felt comfortable about. And maybe there could have been more between them, if it hadn't been for Jack. Damn. The moment he'd realized something was wrong, that Jack and Teal'c were in trouble, Daniel found that he couldn't think about anything else. If he thought back on the events of the past few hours before everything went to hell in a handbasket, Daniel knew that he might not be too happy about his own behaviour. He'd been seriously flirting with Major Davis, there was no other way to describe it, and he'd thought that the other man had responded. Which had to be a good thing, didn't it? Because if anyone understood just what kind of risks Daniel took on a daily basis, who better than someone assigned to liaise with the SGC from the Pentagon? And he trusted Paul, more than he trusted most people anyway. The major was essentially a kind-hearted individual, and he'd tried to reassure Daniel everything would be okay when Daniel had thought he'd never see any of his friends again. Even at the darkest moment, when Jack had been yelling at him to push the button that would blow him, Teal'c, and a submarine full of replicator bugs to kingdom come, Paul had been there for him. That had to count for something? Didn't it? Except Daniel wasn't sure that he felt anything more than friendship for Major Davis. Somehow he couldn't imagine feeling the same intensity he felt for Jack, even though Jack was just a friend as well. Daniel stared out of the window, watching the stars move past. He'd never got used to seeing this first hand - it had always been something he couldn't envisage, travelling through space, at least not until he'd experienced it first hand. There were lots of things, it seemed, that Daniel couldn't quite envisage. That, despite everything, he couldn't quite wrap his mind round. Like Jack feeling anything more than friendship for him. Even if he wanted him to, which Daniel wasn't completely sure about. Still, knowing Jack's life was in danger had made him wonder just what it was he wanted and whether he was prepared to risk everything to try and get it. The problem was, Daniel just wasn't sure, didn't know how to *be* sure, how to prove anything to himself one way or another. That he was over Jack, that his infatuation was a thing of the past, that he could move on and find someone else and who was he kidding? It wasn't over. It probably wouldn't ever be over. Not anytime soon, not when the memories, false as they were, of Jack's arms around him as Daniel turned from packing his things and said goodbye to the only people alive who mattered to him now, lingered. He couldn't forget that moment. Even though Daniel knew logically it had never actually happened, the memory was too strong. So strong, in fact, that it had fuelled his fantasies for weeks afterwards, that intimacy turning subtly into something more that involved him and Jack and a good deal less clothing. Something that wasn't likely to be repeated in real life, at least not in this reality.
~~<<->>~~
It was petty and vindictive. He knew that, but Jack still couldn't stop himself from acting that way, pushing Teal'c into a fishing trip he clearly didn't want to take, just so he wouldn't have to go alone. Just so he could use his friends solid presence to stop him thinking how much he'd rather be with Daniel. Not that Daniel wanted to be with him, it seemed. He was spending more time at the SGC, so it looked to Jack like his theory had been correct. Daniel's relationship with Nat was over. No more competition and he should have been happy about that, if not for the things he'd done to make what he really wanted almost impossible to achieve. If things had been okay between them, Jack might have expected to be asked to tag along when Daniel left, hitching a ride when Daniel headed off to Chicago, but things hadn't been okay for a while. And they didn't look likely to be okay without some serious repair work going on from both of them. Daniel had thrown himself into finding out what had happened with his former mentor with all the concentration his work had been lacking for a little while. All the obsessive qualities that made Daniel so damned good at his job were now focussed onto dealing with his former colleagues, of re-establishing his place in the academic pecking order. Was Daniel tempted to give it all up, walk away from the SGC and go back into academia once more? Jack wondered if Daniel knew himself what he wanted - even if he did, he wasn't talking to anyone. So Jack had walked, dragging a reluctant Teal'c off to stare at the surface of a lake which hadn't known fish for a couple of years now. But, like he said, it wasn't the fish that were important. He'd almost pushed Daniel from his mind when the phone rang, the phone Teal'c wasn't even supposed to have brought along. Jack snatched it from the bag, resolutely ignoring Teal'c as he slapped the latest in a long line of mosquitoes and answered it. It had taken a moment for Jack to control his reaction to Daniel's voice, letting the irritation he felt at being treated like Teal'c's secretary wash over him so he'd forget how much he wished it was Daniel there with him. Not that Teal'c wasn't good company, taciturn as he was, but he didn't yearn for Teal'c's company the way he found himself wishing for Daniel's. Even when they weren't communicating, it was Daniel Jack wanted to be not communicating with. He supposed that was pretty dumb, when he came to think about it. Jack heard Teal'c's thinly-disguised plea for rescue, even if Daniel didn't seem to, and that was enough. He cut Daniel's words off, even as he knew what he was doing was a mistake - still, Daniel was already not talking to him, so how much worse could it get? By the time they got back to the SGC, Jack had his answer. Daniel had found back-up, even if Jack had been hiding in the boonies, dragging Carter and Janet off on some wild-Goa'uld chase and making him wonder just what it was he did around the place that Hammond hadn't made them wait for his return.
~~<<->>~~
He wanted so much, the empty echoing void inside himself longing for some kind of contact with the people he cared most about in the world. Sam and Janet, at least, had been willing to go to the other side of the planet with him - if he'd even got around to asking Jack, he wasn't sure Jack would have crossed the road on his behalf. It was as if they spoke two different languages now, no common ground between them that was worth a damn. No frame of reference to even try and communicate to bridge that difference. Besides, did Jack even want to? Daniel wasn't sure he was ready himself, his experiences with those people he'd considered his friends too fresh in his memory. That Steven would put academic success before his conscience didn't surprise him, Daniel realized. That Sarah could be so easily led, putting herself into a situation where she could be taken as a Host - that was harder to contemplate. His run of bad luck seemed to be continuing, another victim added to the list of names sacrificed to the Goa'uld. And Jack had been so damn pig-headed, just about as unsupportive as it was possible for one person to be. Daniel found he was overwhelmingly angry, angry with Jack, angry with himself for trusting that everything would be fine now. Everything clearly was not fine and didn't look like it would be that way any time in the near future. If they couldn't even recapture the relationship they had once known, how could Daniel consider staying a part of the SGC? It had been his three team-mates, those people he considered himself close to, who had supported him through the darkest times of his life. Jack had usually offered beer and sympathy, not the pity that Daniel would have found impossible to stomach. Teal'c had spent a long time trying to come to terms with the fact that he had been responsible for the death of Sha're, but they'd moved on - it was only when things were desperate that this particular spectre came back to haunt Daniel with any kind of vehemence. Sam had been a good friend over the time they'd known one another, even as she was dealing with losses of her own, personal things that could have made her curl up inside but which instead made her look to comfort others.
~~<<->>~~
"So, this is where you've been hiding yourself?" Daniel asked, as the door opened. Jack paused, looking at the man who stood on his doorstep, an unexpected visitor, to say the least. "Daniel. Come on in." His mind worked furiously. Why was Daniel here? He didn't look pissed, which had to be a minor miracle considering what Jack had done, the things that he'd belatedly thought over and realized were the behaviour of a complete dumbass. "How was the fishing trip?" Daniel asked, his tone innocuous enough if Jack hadn't known exactly what he was aiming for. "Fine. Didn't catch much, Teal'c was bored." "I got that impression," Daniel said, with a small smile. "He practically begged me to rescue him, right before..." "Yeah, I know." Jack interrupted, sensing danger on the road ahead if Daniel continued. "About that.." "You want to explain?" Daniel's voice was colder now and Jack wondered if the temperature in the room had dropped a couple of degrees. "So, tell me, Jack. What was so all-fired important about your fishing trip that you put what I was doing in jeopardy?" Jack swallowed. Put like that, his actions looked even more petty than he'd thought. Things weren't looking good. Another conversation between him and Daniel was clearly spiralling out of control, taking Jack to places he wasn't sure he ever wanted to be. "Would a grovelling apology work?" he asked, deciding to go for broke. "Maybe." Daniel eyed him, his ever-present curiosity clearly starting to get the better of him. "Though I'd still like an explanation." No escape there, then. "I think I've been going a little crazy, Daniel." He paused for a moment, considering his options. Absolute honesty had certain things going for it, but it also pushed him to the edge of the cliff where Daniel was concerned and he wasn't sure the ground was all that safe there any more. "Since I found out about you and Nat." There, he'd said it now. No going back. Daniel was silent for a moment, just looking at him, his face giving nothing away, till Jack was on the verge of making it all a joke. Back-pedalling for the sake of their friendship would work, wouldn't it? "If it wasn't for you," Daniel began, finally, after the silence had almost crushed him. "I don't think Nat and I would have ever met." "What?" Jack asked. "What did I have to do with that?" "I got tired of waiting for you, Jack," Daniel said. "Simple as that." "So you ended up in some bar, picking up a complete stranger?" Jack's words were full of fire, fuelled by his concern at what could so easily have happened. "Don't you watch TV, Daniel? You could have ended up as bodyparts buried in someone's cellar!" Daniel was looking at him as if he was crazy and Jack had started to wonder if he might be right. If he'd thought he was feeling possessive before, that was nothing compared to how he was feeling now. "You made it pretty clear a while back that the only one you cared about was Sam," Daniel said, his voice calm. "What was I supposed to think?" "You just don't get it, do you?" "Then explain it to me, Jack!" Daniel's voice rose. "Because all I'm hearing at the moment is you saying I have no right to a normal life, or at least one that doesn't include you!" When had this turned into a confrontation between the two of them? That wasn't what he'd wanted, not what he'd planned at all. Had Jack been expecting that, the moment Daniel realized Jack was interested in him, that would be enough? That now he wasn't with Nat, that would be enough? If that was Jack's gameplan, it was clear that Daniel wasn't in on it, or if he was, he'd decided not to play along. "I had no idea you weren't straight, the first I knew of that was walking in on you," Jack said. The words were arid, choking him, but he had to speak them, rid himself of them, or he might never speak again. "If I'd known..." "Like I said, I waited on you till I got tired of waiting any more." "So that's it, is it?" Jack asked. "I missed my chance, so sad too bad?" Daniel shook his head. So that was it then, the final nail in the coffin. He'd turned and walked away from Daniel almost before he knew he was moving - the last thing Jack wanted was to see any pity in Daniel's eyes. "I'm sorry." Daniel's voice followed him. Then there was silence, punctuated only by the sound of footsteps and the door closing behind Daniel as he left Jack's house.
~~<<->>~~
He'd wanted to explain it all, tell Jack why he'd realized that what he'd had with Nat would never work, why even the things he could share with Paul weren't enough, but the moment Daniel had actually been face to face with Jack all those good intentions had withered and died. The truth had come out, finally, between them, and Daniel still wasn't sure quite what had happened. He'd told Jack that he'd met Nat in a bar, knowing what reaction that would get. As if he wanted to have an effect, more of an effect than the truth would have had - he figured that bumping heads over a book in the gay section of a Denver bookshop wouldn't have had quite the same result. And he'd been right. Jack had been horrified, so much so that Daniel had almost seen the serial killer headlines scrolling through his mind. And while Jack's concern warmed Daniel, it also irritated him in equal measure. He'd survived well enough without Jack's involvement in his life for most of it, and Jack hadn't seemed all that inclined to be around recently. So why now? Except that, in so many ways, Daniel found himself vulnerable now, open to Jack's involvement, welcoming it even. Where before he'd been able to rage against him, internally at least, his wounded pride over what had happened between Jack and Sam making him unwilling to tolerate anything, now he was starting to weaken. Starting to think that he needed Jack more than he'd realized, more than he'd wanted to need anyone. Anyone since Sha're at least and look how he'd stumbled into that situation unawares. This time, at least, Daniel was going into things with his eyes open, with the knowledge of just what he was letting himself in for. Except this time he wasn't sure Jack was anything other than horrified by what he'd just admitted to. So where did that leave him?
~~<<->>~~
"Okay," Jack said, as the echoes of Daniel's exit faded. "What was that?" He'd heard of people being left speechless by something they'd discovered, but it had rarely if ever been his experience, despite the things he'd seen and lived through. This time, however, Jack found himself all but lost for words. What had started out as Daniel looking for an explanation for Jack's behaviour had turned into something more revelatory. Something that explained more about Daniel than Jack had ever cared to enquire, knowing that if he took the lid off that particular can of worms the action was irreversible. He had to know what he was letting himself in for before he told Daniel everything, admitted the things about himself he wasn't sure Daniel wanted to know. Except that now he was more confused than ever. Jack hadn't expected Daniel to fall into his arms the moment he realized how Jack felt about him, but he also hadn't expected to start world war three by raising the possibility that there might be more between them in the future than just friendship. Would the shadow of him and Carter ever be removed from his relationships with the rest of his team? Would Daniel in particular choose to hold that against him forever, that error of judgment clouding any possible future they could have had together? That seemed likely at the moment, the pain of his relationship with Nat, the betrayal of those he'd once considered friends still fresh in Daniel's mind as well. Jack knew now that Daniel had never intended to go back to academia; the mysteries of the unknown, those things that still lay undiscovered the other side of the 'Gate was too strong a pull. That alone, even when Jack had casually whittled away at any other reason to stay, kept Daniel tied to the SGC more surely than any promises of affection could. But he'd been kidding himself if he thought Daniel would walk straight from the ruins of his relationship with Nat into one with someone else, regardless of the shared history they might have. Despite how much Jack wanted that to happen, when he seriously thought about it he knew it for the fantasy it was. Even if Daniel wasn't as angry with him as he clearly was, even if the past could be put behind them when they needed to, it wouldn't be easy. But no-one ever said Jack O'Neill wasn't determined...
~~<<->>~~
The way Jack was hovering around him made Daniel more than a little uneasy. He'd expected Jack to be distant since their confrontation, he'd expected him to pull back the way he had so many times in recent memory, allowing space between himself and Daniel because of the harsh words they'd exchanged. Instead, Jack had been more solicitous of him than he had been in quite a while, bringing Daniel coffee and chocolate without being asked, an unspoken apology in food form. Daniel had appreciated that, even if it made him feel a little uncertain and more than a little guilty. After all, it wasn't as if the argument had been one-sided - he'd been more than a little responsible for the crisis that his relationship with Jack had reached. What with the meltdown of things with Nat, it looked like Daniel's inter-personal track record was well and truly established. So where did they go from here? He wanted Jack. The more time Daniel spent with Jack, the more their old friendship seemed to be attainable once more, the more he found his former desire for Jack growing again. It was as though it had been in hibernation, not dead just sleeping, waiting for the right moment to awake once more. Pushing aside the way that mental image made him think of Goa'uld sarcophagi, Daniel decided he liked the idea. Now he just had to figure out how to make it work between the two of them - work out how to get Jack to see that he wanted it too, that his relationship with Nat was well and truly over. That jealousy was unnecessary now, because the reality of a relationship was there for the taking, if only Jack would stretch out his hand.
~~<<->>~~
He couldn't stop himself. Even though he knew the two Carters were watching him from the elevator, Jack's instincts had kicked in, making him complain like hell even as he'd been picking up Daniel's other bag. What was Daniel packing in there? Rocks? Then, when they'd finally made it to Jacob's cargo ship, he'd had to endure long hours of waiting as they travelled to the Tobin system. There was nothing new about that, but this time Jack had to make himself not watch Daniel, even covertly. He had to keep his mind on the job, try not to think about Daniel, wonder whether they'd manage to pull off this mission safely, or even what Teal'c might be up to back on Chulak right about now. Of course, the more Jack tried not to think about those things, the more they circled in his head like a flock of birds. He'd been reluctant to let Teal'c go; Jack had a bad feeling about this. But Teal'c had been adamant, the few words he'd used to justify this return to his home planet full of the determination his silent demeanour rarely hid. An argument would have been futile. That didn't mean Jack had to like it. By the time they reached the minefield he was more than glad for the diversion that action would give, even if the likelihood of them being blasted into a million tiny pieces added a little something to the experience.
~~<<->>~~
Jack hadn't said anything but it didn't take a genius to figure out that he was worried about Teal'c. They should have heard from him before they left Earth, but the only communication had been from the Tok'ra - the message that had sent them on this mission. In some ways, Daniel was starting to wish they'd left Jack behind. Worrying about what he was worrying about was playing havoc with Daniel's concentration, making him second guess himself more than he might like. He was sure that he'd almost given the others a heart attack when Sam was contemplating opening the access panel on the mine itself. He had to concentrate. He had to be right about this, their lives depended on it. No use wondering what Jack was planning if none of them were going to be alive long enough to find out. Daniel took a couple of deep breaths, forcing himself to focus on the words that covered the pages of the books he was studying. Damn Jack anyway. Why did he have to make life so complicated? Why couldn't they both argue, both get angry and then act like none of it mattered anyway? Why couldn't Jack keep the same distance he'd been so comfortable with for so long now?
~~<<->>~~
Somehow, they'd survived, rescued Teal'c, and the next thing they knew Hammond was walking away because of a firefight gone almost wrong. There was something about that which didn't ring true and Jack was determined to find out what. He could smell a rat as well as the next guy, suspicious nature and all. So, he wasn't at all surprised to discover strings being pulled from high places, Hammond being put under pressure to move on, a more 'easily persuaded' general ready to take his place before the big comfy chair in Hammond's office had cooled down. It wasn't right and there was no way on this planet or any other that Jack was going to stand for it. Not when standing for change meant losing his team, Daniel getting tied to a desk, Teal'c assigned to work with the Marines and Carter off to be a good little scientist. As if he'd wasted all the time he'd taken getting his team just the way he liked them and could now start again from scratch. Yeah, sure. Of course, the new general didn't take too kindly to the idea of Jack speaking his mind on the subject, as he'd somehow expected would be the case. Had ended up, in fact, practically threatening Jack with dismissal or a desk jockey job himself if he carried on pushing. That was enough to confirm his suspicions, even if he hadn't been able to get Hammond to talk. Just the thought that this could be the end of SG-1 was enough to make Jack determined to do whatever he had to, make whatever alliances he needed to, in order to safeguard something he considered important. Even if it meant working with Harry Maybourne, of all people. He didn't have to like it, he just had to get on and do it. Get out there and dig up the dirt he needed to, trying not to think about how pissed Daniel would be at the idea of being cooped up in the SGC when he was now so used to 'Gate travel. At all the missed opportunities out there, even though his primary incentive for walking up that ramp was now buried under the sands of Abydos. So, he wasn't just doing this for himself, saving himself the trouble of breaking in a whole new team. It was for the team, that was the thing to remember when he wanted to turn the gun on Maybourne and save the taxpayer the cost of execution.
~~<<->>~~
It was just plain ridiculous, but there it was. The more Daniel thought about it, even if saying it out loud would make him laugh till he cried, the more he knew there was an element of truth to it. He was jealous of Maybourne. Because Maybourne was out there with Jack, doing what needed to be done while he was stuck here, facing a future as the SGC's pet archaeologist if the new general had anything to say about it. And there wasn't a great deal, if anything, he could do to change that. This feeling of helplessness was one Daniel wasn't used to and it just didn't sit well with him. Daniel found himself fidgetting, restless, wanting to know just what was going on and waiting for the phone to ring again. Not that he expected Jack to keep checking in, like he thought he had to keep tabs on Daniel to stop him going off the deep end. At least, he hoped that wasn't what Jack was thinking. And meanwhile, Sam was being pushed to be the good little scientist, treasuring progress over all else. There was something wrong about what she was being asked to do, something that didn't quite fit, but Daniel couldn't put his finger on it. Though thinking about that, at least, got his mind off Jack. Because the more he thought about Jack O'Neill, the more Daniel wondered if he understood him at all. If he'd been kidding himself all along and Jack was far more complex than he first appeared. He'd seemed relatively unfazed by the idea of Daniel being interested in men, taken that in his stride like it was something he thought about regularly. But Daniel had seen no sign that Jack was made that way. Not that the USAF was an ideal place to exercise your right to be different. Still, he should know by now if Jack was interested in him like that. Shouldn't he? He'd known the guy for years and now Daniel was starting to wonder if he'd missed some important clue along the way, drawn his own conclusions based on the evidence he had but overlooked something that would have pushed his theory in a whole different direction. They'd argued, the last time they were alone together away from work, and Daniel wondered in hindsight just why Jack had become so angry so quickly. Sure, he often yelled, but it hadn't taken very much acquaintance for Daniel to realize that Jack yelling and Jack being truly angry about something weren't necessarily the same thing. Jack had hated the idea of Daniel being with Nat, even though he'd tried to cover it with a thin veneer of tolerance. He'd heard it said there was a thin line between love and hate - that was a pack of bullshit if ever he heard one. All the strong emotions were tied together, entwining round one another, till you couldn't separate them out without destroying the whole thing. Jack had been angry about Nat for lots of reasons. And Daniel was just starting to piece together what those reasons were. That was his job, wasn't it? Pieceing together the past based on fragments of evidence; as much as digging up ruined civilizations, as much as Indiana Jones, it was about pottery fragments and human detritus. More so. Daniel had always been good at that, good at seeing the bigger picture. So why had he been so lousy at seeing the bigger picture where Jack was concerned? It had to be because he'd already told himself what to see, had pushed the things he learned till they fitted that theory, like pushing ill-fitting pieces into a jigsaw puzzle, bending the card till it fit whether it wanted to or not. That was no way to live.
~~<<->>~~
He couldn't say how he knew, but he knew there was something wrong. Something in Daniel's eloquent silence that told him there was more to the story than Daniel had told anyone. That he wasn't ready to let anyone in, to share the things he'd experienced. Not yet. It had taken quite a while to get all the details last time round, back when they had a friendship that was unquestioned, back before Jack's best efforts had de-railed it, one way or another. Back before Anise and her damn machine, Maybourne and his interfering ways. Those had been simpler days and Jack wished he'd made the most of them then, though he knew now he hadn't been ready to do so. But Jack was ready now. Ready to take the slightest opportunity to prove himself invaluable, to prove himself as essential to Daniel as oxygen and coffee. No way would he miss out this time. So, he bided his time, took his lead from Daniel though the thought of it chafed at him. He could see the misery in Daniel's eyes, as palpable as if it hung in the air between them like smoke. But as much as Jack longed to take that look away, replace it with any other emotion, he knew that he was crossing thin ice with Daniel. One false step and it would crack beneath him, throwing him into a world of cold and darkness and that would be the end of it all. He'd come so close a hundred times, hearing the ice creak underfoot before it gave way, stepping sharply sideways to avoid the danger. Diplomatic, cautious, those had never been words Jack would have applied to himself before. But this time he had the sense that the price would be too high, his own damnation secured if he messed this up. He knew that Daniel was watching him, intelligent eyes bright with life and pain as they sat across from each other at the briefing table, in the messhall. It took an effort for Jack to bite back the words, but he felt it was an effort well spent. Timing was everything.
~~<<->>~~
How could he begin to explain it all? Even in his imagination, it seemed, Daniel had thrown himself into his endeavours wholeheartedly, leaving nothing to chance. Even when it came to taking over the planet, he was as dedicated as ever. Would Jack make a joke of it? He couldn't be sure any more. Once, Daniel would have said he knew what Jack would say, could anticipate the words before they were spoken, but that time had passed. That time when he'd thought he knew which way was up, how the world turned. All gone in the flash of a moment's revelation, an expression of overwhelming concern for someone other than himself. So now Daniel was left floundering, trying to put together a picture of reality with what felt like half the pieces missing. It had seemed so real, so much more than what he had experienced with Sha're, the edges of reality and imagination clear and crisp, not blurred and surreal like before. And that hadn't been the most unsettling thing of all. The last time round, Daniel had walked away from everything he knew, and it had felt like losing a piece of himself. This time he had gone further. He had killed one of his friends, imprisoned another, and who knew what he had planned to do with Jack? There seemed no way to tell it all, despite the worried looks Jack gave him, fear and concern warring for precedence in his eyes. Jack might think he was being discreet, but his expression gave him away to anyone who cared to look. Daniel found himself turning inward, seeking his own counsel as he tried to make sense of what had happened, the creature he had become. He had turned into something worse than the Goa'uld, who at least could blame their deeds on centuries of unswerving obedience from those they enslaved. That kind of devotion, regardless of its root, had the potential to warp even the most altruistic. And then there was the undeniable effects of the sarcophagus, effects he knew all too well himself to doubt their power. He had surpassed the Goa'uld in so many ways, systematically destroying all he held dear and telling himself he did it for the good of the planet. That was true, in some ways - Daniel had planned to rule it all, so he needed the planet intact. And Jack had seen through it, seen that something was wrong even when he hadn't wanted to believe it of Daniel, even though Sam had urged him to act. He'd needed to see it with his own eyes before he'd acted, even though he'd come prepared. Jack had loved him enough to try and stop him from becoming the monster that he knew Daniel would hate to be. From becoming like Apophis, with all that entailed, all the darkness inside that would consume him whole. Somehow, that was a comforting thought, in amidst the chaos that was Daniel's subconscious. And out in the real world, things went on as usual. His team-mates were quiet, consoling him without words, attentive without being smothering. Daniel had to think they'd learned how to deal with him by now, how to support him through the dark times without making him run and hide. God knows they'd had enough practice over the years. They watched the things they said to him in the aftermath, Jack especially. Sam was always kind; it wasn't in her nature to be anything else unless she got the scientist bit between her teeth. And even then, Daniel couldn't find it in his heart to be angry with her. She'd been fascinated by the reality he'd lived through, her questions about it a clear indication that her scientific interest had overruled Sam asking just why it was Daniel had felt her so dangerous. As for Teal'c, he had said little, as was his way. Daniel was left feeling like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop, secure in the knowledge that when Teal'c spoke it would be worth listening to, as it always was. But it might not be anything he'd want to hear.
~~<<->>~~
Even after it happened, Jack couldn't quite believe what he'd seen. Sure, he'd seen the wormhole take someone out before, back on Hadante, but this was deliberate, Barber placing himself in its path, and that made the difference. That and the fact he'd known the guy. And now he was waiting for Daniel. Jack stood at the bottom of the ramp, watching the event horizon as the various members of SG-5 emerged. There was no easy way of doing this, no set turn of phrase that could let Daniel know just what had happened and how it had affected all of them. How the sight of Barber running to his death had affected everyone who'd seen it, whether they wanted to admit it or not. And then there, suddenly, was Daniel, bright eyed and gesticulating like a champion fisherman. It took some effort for Jack to break the flow of words, to make Daniel understand that he wasn't there on some social call, or because he'd missed Daniel, but because something had happened. Something bad. Something that Daniel needed to shut the hell up and listen to him about. It took a moment for the words to sink in, a long moment. And even then Jack wasn't sure Daniel really comprehended what he'd said.
~~<<->>~~
He could feel his patience evaporating - every passing minute made it drain away until he was reduced to crossing and recrossing from one bookcase to another in search of the elusive piece of information that would make everything make sense again. Daniel could feel Teal'c watching him as well, even though every time he looked towards where Teal'c sat, the Jaffa was supposedly engrossed. He was meant to be concentrating on watching the film SG-5 had shot of the palace, looking for clues about its purpose and origin. Not watching a hyped-up archaeologist, even covertly. Daniel recognised this feeling, small tendrils of concern wrapping round himself even as he thought about it. Jack provided a welcome interruption, let Daniel pretend he wasn't losing control completely and gave him someone to scowl at. Someone who'd react more than Teal'c. He was getting nowhere fast with this device and he knew it, the failure implicit in that knowledge burning at him. He had to do something, push Hammond to get back to the planet. Whatever happened there, Daniel knew he couldn't bear to wait.
~~<<->>~~
Full circle. No sign of Daniel at the SGC, no word from him to explain his absence. Carter on the phone to his apartment - she thought he'd answered but now she couldn't get through to his number at all. And after he'd been so keen to go back to the planet. Something didn't feel right. Jack felt something circle inside him, like a snake coiling in the pit of his stomach. Surely not. He couldn't be that unlucky twice in a row. Could he? Jack grabbed at the opportunity Hammond gave him, heading off to find out just what was going on, just like the last time. Except, somehow, he knew that he wasn't going to find Daniel in bed with someone else. Lightning didn't strike twice in the same place, or at least he hoped that wasn't the case. Jack wasn't sure he could live with that. This time, though, Daniel's apartment door was open, standing slightly ajar. Jack hesitated, pushed it. The apartment was silent, like last time. In a couple of strides, he crossed to the telephone, which lay with the receiver off the hook. Daniel's glasses lay next to it. Jack pushed the receiver with his finger, his eyes cutting round the familiar room looking for evidence of where Daniel was. Not far away, that much was certain - the boiling kettle gave evidence of that. So where was he? Something caught Jack's attention, though he couldn't say what. The door to the balcony Daniel loved so much was standing open. It took a moment, one that felt like the longest of Jack's life, before he was able to move. When he reached the doorway, he was almost glad he hadn't rushed. Well, at least he knew where Daniel was now.
~~<<->>~~
Afterwards, Daniel wasn't sure he could explain what had happened, how he had come to be standing just seconds from oblivion. It was as if time had stopped for a moment, then been forwarded on, taking him somewhere he couldn't remember arriving. Jack had looked at him like he was the one suffering, when Daniel had turned to him, sudden awareness flooding back. He'd come so close. At least Jack hadn't commented on anything that had happened, and for that diplomacy Daniel decided he would be eternally grateful. When Janet had asked, like Daniel had known she would, Jack had shrugged his way through their conversation, frustrating the usually inquisitive doctor enough that she had eventually given up trying. Instead she had turned to Daniel, who himself had probably been taciturn enough for the two of them. He didn't remember much about it, didn't want to. Delving back into the emotions that had brought him to that point, even if they were truly not a part of himself as the others suspected, was something Daniel was more than reluctant to do. Like turning over a stone, exposing all the things that shouldn't be seen to the harsh light of day. As he tried to get comfortable in the infirmary bed, Daniel wondered if he should tell Janet he'd rather see any shrink bar McKenzie. If that request would do any good. Oblivion had beckoned him, taken him by the hand and led him onwards, and Daniel had followed its lead without a second thought. Just the thought of it was enough to make him shiver a little. If it hadn't been for Jack..
~~<<->>~~
He was getting too old for this. Jack signed the next requisition form and tried not to think at all. About anything. Particularly about the fact that the man he now knew he wanted desperately had been seconds away from making himself into pavement pizza. If he'd been a minute later, if he'd stopped to look in the bedroom first... Jack signed another form, barely noting what he was giving permission for. All he could hope was that the scientists who'd filled it in weren't asking for anything outrageous, since he had no idea at all what he was agreeing to. That had been a joke between him and Daniel from way back. Ever since Daniel discovered Jack was effectively the man who could get him whatever he wanted, the man who signed the requisitions for his section at least, they'd always joked about furnishing Daniel's apartment that way. And occasionally, just to keep him on his toes, Daniel would slip some item in there, something outlandish that Jack would rag him about. If he noticed it. And if he didn't, Daniel would bring it to his attention. Hell, one of the forms, the one he'd signed agreeing to let Daniel have an item of pottery shipped in order for it to be appraised by one Dr. Abbott and his colleague Dr. Costello, currently held pride of place in a frame on Jack's office wall. Proof positive, if he ever needed reminding, that there was nothing on the planet sneakier than an archaeologist with way too many doctorates if he put his mind to it. Except maybe an ex-covert ops colonel with dodgy knees and a few too many years on the clock. Jack put down his pen. This wasn't achieving anything. He wasn't where he needed to be, doing something. Doing anything. Even sitting by Daniel's bedside till Janet got too annoyed with him being there would be better than this. Maybe if he sat there long enough, he could find the words.
~~<<->>~~
The world was grey and featureless, the past full of pain and the future devoid of hope. Those were the only certainties in Daniel's life, the only reality the cold metal of the balcony rail in his hands, the cold concrete on which he stood. He was one step from oblivion. So what stopped him? Why hadn't Daniel been able to walk away from everything, to cast himself into the darkness that beckoned? Daniel felt his grip on reality begin to loosen. He was back on the balcony once more, staring out towards the city; the view that had once fascinated him now made him feel trapped. Nothing mattered any more, he couldn't get it back. And this time there was no Jack there to reach him before he fell.
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| Continued in part 3... | |