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Between the idea
And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the shadow 'The Hollow Men' ~ T.S. Eliot
Then again, Jack knew that he would be the same, feel the same, were he in their shoes. Not much chance of that though. With a sigh, Jack put away his gun. His fingers had been caressing the cold metal for long minutes, as if trying to remember every tiny imperfection, each nick on the blue-black surface. Last time, he remembered it now. Last time it had been Charlie's bedroom, this time it was Daniel's office. Each time, for the briefest of moments, he had almost reached out to let oblivion take him, before something had brought him back. Last time it had been the arrival of Air Force officers, summoning him to what would prove to be a life-changing experience in more ways than one. This time.... This time it was a promise, as simple as that - an unspoken oath to a dying man. I promised, didn't I, Daniel? Jack thought, pushing thoughts of suicide from his mind. I promised that we'd keep looking till we found Sha're....
The clunk and whirr of the sarcophagus opening had woken him, making Daniel realize that the device had worked its magic once more. He was alive, he was whole. And now he had to get the hell out of there, before Apophis' ship was scattered part way across the galaxy. He couldn't get the expression on Jack's face out of his mind. This time, unlike the last two occasions when he'd been on the receiving end of a staff weapon blast, the darkness hadn't taken him straight away. In Ra's palace, and again in the ill-fated ambush on the Nox planet, he had slipped into oblivion almost before he had known he had been hit. This time, the pain that ripped through him every time he breathed had almost had Daniel wishing for the same thing. But this time he had seen Jack. He remembered calling Jack's name, screaming it as the serpent guards advanced. What had he been thinking, Daniel wondered, agreeing to Jack's decision that he would watch their back? Jack had appeared suddenly, out of the control room, as if summoned from thin air. He had leant over Daniel, the fear clearly written on his face in a way that made Daniel even more afraid. If Jack had been calm, he would have thought that his injury wasn't as bad as the pain seemed to say, but that expression had told Daniel everything he feared to know. The last thing he wanted was for Jack to leave him, to face the darkness that he knew would come, alone. But what choice did Daniel have? He had seen the alternative, lived the nightmare of Apophis coming to take over the planet, and he couldn't let that happen here. It might take a miracle for the others to stop Apophis, but Daniel couldn't bear the idea that he might slow them down somehow. How could he bear the idea that he might be responsible for the death of millions, even if he wouldn't live long enough to see it happen? There were so many things he wanted to say, things that evaporated at the touch of Jack's hand on his face. Jack's eyes were dark with unspoken emotion as well, and Daniel felt a twinge of regret. Things could have been so different between them, if he had only been bolder, less afraid of rejection, more certain that Jack wanted him the way he wanted Jack. Still, the magic of the sarcophagus meant that he had that chance now. To change things, to try and figure out exactly how Jack felt about him - how much of what he had seen in Jack's eyes was his hatred of losing a friend and how much was something else? Slipping from the sarcophagus, Daniel left the control room as quickly as he could, running headlong down the corridors to the 'Gate. As he entered the room, he paused for a moment at the DHD, summoning the series of symbols for the alpha site from his memory. There was nowhere else for him to go - without a GDO, there was no way of returning to the SGC directly, so the alpha site was the next best thing. Conscious that precious seconds were slipping by, Daniel's hands moved swiftly across the DHD, before his palm came to rest on the central crystal and he watched the wormhole form. No time to think about anything then but running for the 'Gate, throwing himself through into the wormhole's embrace, tumbling towards safety.
Returning to duty was a chore, rather than a pleasure. Jack could still feel eyes on him wherever he went, people watching him to see what his reaction was now that Daniel was gone. It didn't go unnoticed that he was quieter than he had been, that the snappy come-backs seemed a little more forced, but Jack figured that people would cut him some slack for a while. After all, it wasn't every day that someone lost the person they were closest to in the world. Hammond was sympathetic, as Jack expected him to be, but firm too - he wanted Jack to carry on and seemed relieved that he wasn't thinking of retiring. How could Jack explain that he had a promise to fulfill? And after that? Well, only time would tell how long it would take to get Sha're and Skaara back to their family, and he would have to see how much the scab over Daniel dying had healed by then. At the moment, that wound was pretty raw. Jack felt as though he was trapped in some kind of dream. Days had passed since he had left Daniel behind, but he would walk into the messhall and expect to see Daniel there. His feet had taken him down to what used to be Daniel's office, as if of their own accord. Jack found himself there more than he cared to think about, and was absurdly glad that it still stood empty. He wasn't sure what he would do when someone else tried to take over the space that rightly belonged to Daniel. It wasn't like Jack hadn't had practice in holding his grief inside. He had bottled up so much after Charlie had died that it almost seemed like second nature, a habit that had merely become rusty with disuse. He had changed so much over the past year, Jack realized. Daniel had been a part of that change, had benefitted from it, as Jack had let him get closer than he ever planned to let anyone be again. And now Daniel was gone, third time anything but lucky for him where staff weapons were concerned. All Jack wanted was to go to bed and wake up the next morning, to discover that it had been only a dream. That Daniel was still alive, that the words he had never said still had time to be spoken. That every time the 'Gate powered up, the next person to walk through, all unexpected, would be him, smiling sheepishly. None of his wishes came true. He knew he was turning in on himself, turning back into the man he was when he and Daniel had first met. If he had cared at all, Jack supposed that he could have done something about that, but rebuilding those walls suited him. He never wanted to let anyone else get to him the way Daniel had, he couldn't afford to let it happen. Daniel had been a mistake.
He tumbled headlong from the 'Gate, down the stone steps to land in an untidy sprawl at their foot. Daniel took a moment to try and catch his breath, to stop his head from spinning before he figured out which way was up. Throwing yourself into a wormhole wasn't the best way to ensure a happy landing, but it beat being ripped apart by an explosion that even people on Earth were likely to be remarking on. The first thing Daniel noticed when he got to his feet was that the place was quiet. Maybe a little *too* quiet. He had expected to be greeted by armed Air Force personnel, as was always the case when they arrived back at the SGC, regardless of the fact they had transmitted a GDO code for the iris to be opened, but the area around the 'Gate seemed deserted. The air was sweet here, Daniel thought, looking around, admiring the gardens that surrounded the area where the 'Gate stood. They looked well-tended, and it was only as he realized this, that Daniel began to wonder where exactly it was that he had 'Gated to. This was definitely not the alpha site - there was no way that the skeleton crew that the SGC had sent here would have been able to set up the great structure that lurked nearby, all glass and curves. Daniel's heart sank as he realized he must have misdialled. He had been so sure of the series of symbols, but it seemed now that his certainty had been misplaced. There was something about this place, about the quietness of it, that drew Daniel. He hesitated for a moment, eyes flicking to the 'Gate, before deciding that he needed to investigate. He could see the DHD from where he stood, and he needed to check it out, make sure that he wasn't stuck here, wherever here was. Curiosity wasn't such a personality flaw, was it? Jack had always told him that he was curious enough for a whole litter of cats, but Daniel had to find out if he was alone here. For all he knew he was being watched right now, and to not find out if he *was* truly alone might mean being taken prisoner before he could make his escape back to the SGC somehow. If he could figure out how to get past the iris. Crossing the gardens to inspect the DHD, Daniel's pace slowed. He hadn't fully considered all the implications of that. Because he had no GDO, he had no way of getting past the iris and back to where he belonged. His only chance was to 'Gate to somewhere like Abydos, hope that he could shelter with Kasuf and wait on one of the SGC's periodic visits there. But for that the DHD needed to be working. Dusting himself down a little as he stood, and shoving his black woolen hat into one fatigues pocket, Daniel set off to see if escape was even possible.
Carter was lurking at his office door, as if uncertain of her welcome. Jack turned to her, beckoning her in. "The general's compliments, sir, he thought you might like to look over these personnel files." She paused, looking a little worried. "For Daniel's replacement," she continued, hurrying over the words as if speed would take away their sting. Daniel's replacement. As if it could be as simple as that, just pick someone from a bunch of files, problem solved. "Thank you, captain," Jack said, knowing his voice was sharp even before Carter flinched at his tone. "I'm sure we'll find someone suitable." She nodded, passing the files to him, then made her escape. She seemed glad to be away from him, Jack thought, watching her leave, but how could he blame her? On the way back from Apophis' ship, coming back to Earth on the shuttle, she had tried to engage him in conversation and he had ignored her. Jack regretted it, knew that Daniel would have been angry at him for treating Carter this way, but he couldn't help it. She had almost expected him to carry on as if nothing had happened, as if his very heart hadn't been ripped from his chest and trampled on. As if he was Colonel Jack O'Neill, Air Force to the core, and not someone whose best friend had just died a lonely death. He hated her for that. That she thought that little of him. And for the fact that he had ever given her reason to believe it of him, Jack hated himself even more.
Experimentally, Daniel pressed a couple of the symbols on the DHD, smiling to himself when they lit up as expected. He glanced across to where the 'Gate stood, across the small valley, and his smile grew as he saw the corresponding chevrons were lit as well. That was good - that meant he could go home, if only by an indirect route. He paused for a moment, glancing up at the nearby structure. It intrigued him, piquing his curiosity, drawing him. Daniel looked back at the 'Gate for a moment, then to the structure. It must have been a civilized race that constructed it, it seemed a shame to miss the opportunity to quickly look around. After all, it didn't look as if anyone came here often. Though the gardens themselves were immaculately tended, they had a deserted look to them, as if visitors were a novelty. That, at least, was a plus point for Daniel - in their trips around the galaxy over the past few months, they had run into too many people that they didn't really want to meet. The chance to explore a little was an unexpected one. But he couldn't stay long. After all, everyone on Earth must think him dead now, Daniel realized, frowning. And he had no way of setting them straight other than by a personal appearance through the 'Gate. Or being there when an SG team came to call. What harm could it do, though, when he had no way of getting home directly, to spend a few minutes checking out this location? The thought made Daniel feel an instant pang of guilt. The people on Earth had to think he was dead, Jack in particular had to be going through that hell, and that pulled at him. But he was here, now, and knew he wouldn't be going home for a while - even if he went to Abydos or somewhere similar, he'd have to wait to be rescued. There was no way of speeding that up, of cutting short the pain his friends would be going through. So why not explore for a little while?
Jack flicked through the files Carter had given him, scanning the impressive resumes with disdain. He didn't want to do this, but he knew that this was all part of Hammond's plan to get him back on his feet - he had to deal with the fact that Daniel wasn't coming back this time and move on. It wasn't his fault that Daniel had got himself something of a reputation for coming back from the dead. In Ra's palace he had taken a staff blast meant for Jack. He had mourned Daniel's loss as if he hadn't merely been a burden to his team, recognizing at that moment there was something about him, something that he hadn't seen in a long time. Daniel had risked his life, given his life, for someone who wasn't even friendly towards him, and that had made Jack think again. When Daniel had emerged from behind Ra's throne, still walking a little unsteadily still down the ramp towards where Jack was kneeling, he had thought that he was imagining things. There was no way that Daniel could have survived that blast, no chance that life could have remained after such an injury. But he hadn't counted on Goa'uld technology. Once he had seen Daniel alive again, Jack had believed that almost anything was possible, throwing himself into the rebellion against Ra with an increased fervor. Initially skeptical of Kawalsky's idea to involve the locals, he had realized that this was *their* fight and bowed to the inevitable. The second time he had lost Daniel, though in the end it had proved an illusion, had been even worse. By then they were friends, even if it was a little shaky between them at times, and Daniel had 'died' calling out for Jack to help him. For Jack to save him. He couldn't get those cries out of his brain, they tormented Jack every time he closed his eyes. In the end, when they had realized the lie, they had returned to the planet they left Daniel on, determined to track him down. Though Daniel looked terrible, eyes red and swollen and altogether battered and bruised, when he emerged from the sea, still pleading clemency for his captor, Jack thought that he had never seen anything so amazing. He was alive. As in 'full of life'. Completely and utterly Daniel.
Daniel wandered around the alien structure for a little while. The only sign of any alien inhabitants, though there was no clue how long ago they had last been used, was a row of strange machines, metal and tubing over a chair-like structure. Daniel examined one and it startled him, pulling him into its grasp for a few brief moments, before letting him go again. Maybe he wasn't compatible with the technology, Daniel decided, or was it that it just didn't like him? Apart from that, the structure was empty, nothing but lush green plants taking advantage of the filtered sunshine and moist warm air. Surely it had not been that long abandoned, but those who had left it behind had left no clue as to their current whereabouts. It was only as Daniel was leaving, heading outside and back to the DHD, that he found that he was no longer alone. The unmistakable sound of the 'Gate engaging made him take cover, wishing that he had kept the MP5 he had discarded on Apophis' ship. From where he was crouched, half-hidden by foliage and trusting to luck for the rest, Daniel saw people emerge from the wormhole. He counted them automatically, noting that there were four of them even before he saw what it was they were wearing. Fatigues. Green and black, with the symbol for Earth on their sleeve. Daniel moved slowly, creeping closer until he could see their faces. One of them turned, scanning the area, as alert as a hound. Daniel smiled as he saw the man's face, recognizing it in an instant. "Ferretti," he called, from his hiding place. He saw Ferretti's head snap round, his MP5 raising instinctively. "I'm coming out now," he continued, "so don't shoot me, okay?" Raising his hands above his head, Daniel emerged from his hiding place, as slowly as he could. "Daniel?" Ferretti's voice was as incredulous as he expected. "Is that you? What the hell are you doing here?" A note of suspicion entered the major's voice now. "We thought you were on that ship when it blew." "I was. I 'Gated here." Ferretti beckoned him forward, lowering his MP5 as the rest of the team covered the two of them. He pulled something from his pocket, reaching out and grabbing Daniel by the sleeve and turning him as soon as he was in reach. "Nothing personal, Daniel," he said, pulling a plastic tie close around Daniel's wrists. "But we don't want any glowing-eyed surprises, you know?" Daniel nodded, pulling slightly at his bonds. They were tight enough to hold him, but not pulled so tight as to cause discomfort. "If this is really you," Ferretti said, "boy are people going to be surprised!" "It's me," Daniel said. "Can we go home now?" Ferretti grinned. "Sure thing."
"So..." "Rothman," Carter prompted, from her seat beside Jack. "Rothman," Jack continued, as smoothly as he could. "You think you can work with us?" Rothman sneezed, one hand flapping slightly for them to hold on as he fumbled for a handkerchief. Jack sighed. The guy was qualified, more than qualified in fact, but he had all the things that had annoyed him about Daniel magnified to the nth degree. The sad thing was, he seemed to be the best of the bunch. "I, er..." Rothman paused. "I would be glad to try, colonel, though there's no way I can even try and replace Dr. Jackson." You got that right, Jack thought sourly, then considered for a moment. "You know... you knew Daniel?" Rothman smiled, looking a little less nervous now. "I was his research assistant for a couple of years." Jack smiled slightly, closing the file he held. "Welcome to SG-1."
Ferretti's hand was firm on his arm as they walked towards the wormhole together. The rest of SG-2 had stayed to complete their mission, but Ferretti was coming back with him, a familiar face to help smooth out the uncertainty and mayhem that was bound to follow Daniel's unexpected return. "How's Jack been?" Daniel asked, as they headed up the steps. "Not good." Daniel stopped, Ferretti's grip pulling the major to a halt as well at the very edge of the event horizon. "How bad?" Daniel asked, turning slightly so he could see Ferretti's face. "Bad." Ferretti looked Daniel straight in the eye. "Like he was before Abydos. The first time round." "We need to get back," Daniel said, stepping forward into the wormhole and pulling Ferretti along with him before the other man had a chance to reply. Travelling through the wormhole ripped the breath from him, seeming to last for an infinity though he knew it was really only a matter of seconds between the planet they had left and the SGC. It was only when his boots made the metal ramp ring with their impact that Daniel was sure that he was home. Even as his mind registered the sound of the wormhole closing behind them, Daniel was looking for Jack, his eyes raking the 'Gate room, then rising to the control room. Instead of the normal hum of activity, there was silence, before a voice echoed through the intercom system. "Dr. Jackson?" Daniel looked for the source of that well-known voice, smiling when he spotted the man in question. "Welcome home, Dr. Jackson," Hammond continued, his voice full of pleasure at Daniel's return. "Report to the infirmary." They had barely reached the bottom of the ramp, Ferretti still gripping his arm, when Daniel saw Jack appear in the doorway. "Daniel?" Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but was too slow - Jack advanced on him, pulling him into a firm embrace. For a moment he was too stunned to say anything, just revelling in the feel of Jack holding him, unable to participate because his hands were still bound. When Jack stepped back, he was smiling more than Daniel had ever seen before. "Thanks, Ferretti," Jack said, grinning at the major. "I'm not a stray puppy he brought home, Jack." Daniel tried to sound angry, but he couldn't help smiling too. "That's a matter of opinion," Jack said, turning back to Daniel once more. "Let me get your hands untied." His hands were warm on Daniel's wrists, fingers pulling at the plastic tie, when Hammond's voice came over the intercom system. "Let's get him checked out first, colonel." Jack stopped, his hands still for a moment before he pulled reluctantly away, settling for slapping Daniel on the shoulder this time. "I'll let you have the pleasure, colonel," Ferretti said, grinning at Daniel. "It's good to have you back, Daniel, the place hasn't been the same without you." With that, he winked and headed off, leaving Jack and Daniel as alone as a 'Gate room full of armed Air Force personnel would allow. Jack's hand on his arm was a completely different experience from Ferretti's, Daniel discovered, as they headed for the infirmary. Though the grip Jack had was no tighter, Daniel felt more connected. It wasn't necessary, really, for Jack to hold onto him, but one glance across at Jack's face told Daniel that it was a connection Jack needed. He had to be sure that Daniel was really here, and if that was what it took to reassure him, Daniel had no intention of complaining.
It was a routine mission, and then it all went to hell in a matter of moments. They had been engaged in peaceful dialogue with the locals - Rothman had earned his keep and looked almost comfortable as he spoke with one of the elders of the village they were visiting. Jack was fairly happy with what he saw Rothman doing, this confirmation of his ability to try and take Daniel's place. And then the sky had been filled with Goa'uld gliders. Amid screaming, yelling and explosions, they had run for the 'Gate, half-leading and half-herding the Nasyans with them. No time to do anything but run, trying to keep everyone there, all of them together, so they could save as many as possible. How had the Goa'uld known they were there? Carter had fallen back, going to her knees next to a Nasyan man lying prone in the sand, desperation driving her to attempt CPR. Jack had crossed to her side, grabbing at her arm, pulling her back to the 'Gate, frowning at the blood on her face. She had brushed off his hand after a moment, saying she was okay, and had followed them back through to the SGC. The nightmare had begun so soon afterward, Carter's eyes glowing an ominous gold as she defied them all. She had taunted Jack from her cell, telling him that she knew where Sha're was, that she would help Jack find her, if only he would help her. Walking away had been so hard. It was difficult enough that he was facing losing another friend. But to have the chance to fulfill his promise to Daniel only by condemning another person he cared for to the infinity of slavery that was being a Host was something Jack could never live with.
Janet Fraiser had been her usual competent self, running through the necessary tests to determine that Daniel had no unexpected passengers onboard as quickly as she could. Daniel's bonds were awkward, making him sit upright on one of the beds when all he wanted to do was lie down, but he was comforted by the fact that Jack didn't seem to want to let him out of his sight. He had even accompanied Daniel to the MRI suite, making sure he was lying as comfortably on the bed as the ties allowed. From where he was lying, Daniel couldn't see Jack, but he could feel Jack's hand, resting almost casually on his leg. The warmth of the touch was reassuring, comforting. Jack squeezed his leg slightly in reassurance before moving away to join Janet at the computer screen, eyes searching intently for any sign that Daniel was a Host. "All clear," Jack said, his hands busy with the ties. He gripped Daniel's arm, helping him to sit upright, as Daniel rubbed at the slight soreness on his wrists. "You sound surprised." "It doesn't hurt to be too careful, Daniel," Janet interjected, crossing to him with a smile. "Make sure he gets some rest, colonel." Daniel smiled at Janet, who turned, leaving him and Jack alone. Suddenly all his ideas about being bold didn't seem so good, when Jack was actually in the same room with him. "You heard the doc," Jack said, helping Daniel down off the bed. "Rest." "I could sleep for a month," Daniel replied, bringing his hand up to cover a yawn. "Very convincing." "That was real." "Sure, Daniel, sure it was."
In the end, the Ashrak had taken Jack's decision away from him, his weapon ripping Jolinar from Carter's mind and almost destroying her in the process. Jack had never had the chance to discover whether the self-professed Tok'ra was telling the truth. But the possibility was still there that he had turned down the best chance of keeping his promise to Daniel, even though he knew that Daniel would have been horrified at him even considering the option. Carter was in shock, curled in on herself in the infirmary bed, Janet loitering nearby. Though he knew that Carter couldn't be in better hands, Jack still blamed himself for what had happened, that he could have prevented things going this far. He had walked away from Carter, ignored the things she was saying about her... no, about Jolinar being in danger. Could this have been avoided? If he had listened more closely, not let his anger at the way that alien was using his friend's memories to try and get itself out of a dangerous situation overwhelm him. Maybe Carter wouldn't be here now, like this. Idly, Jack wondered what Daniel would do, if he were here now, then bit back a wave of despair that threatened to overwhelm him at the thought. He would know what to say, how to say it, giving Carter the comfort and support she needed. Instead, all she had to rely on was Jack, lost for words.
Becoming more and more tired as the minutes passed, Daniel had found himself nodding off even as the elevator ascended. He was propped up against the wall, Jack's steady presence next to him, and Daniel could feel his eyes closing even as he tried to treasure the closeness. Cold air woke him slightly when they reached the surface, and he let himself be led to Jack's car. "I could drive myself home," he said, as Jack fussed over him, even fastening his seatbelt. Jack just looked at him, the words 'you've got to be kidding me' hanging unspoken between them. "Or you could drive me," Daniel continued. "That sounds like a better idea," Jack agreed, going around and getting into the driver's seat. The warmth of the car lulled Daniel to sleep, and it wasn't until Jack was shaking his shoulder that he realized they had stopped. Daniel blinked, looking blearily out of the car window. "Where are we?" he asked. "My house." "I thought you were taking me home, Jack?" Daniel continued. "Didn't Janet say I needed to rest?" "I have a spare bedroom, Daniel," Jack said, getting out of the car. By the time he had walked around to Daniel's side of the car, Daniel was already moving, not wanting to get too used to Jack touching him. It was unsettling, making Daniel feel things he hadn't felt in a while, and he wasn't sure whether he liked it or not. He followed Jack into the house, concentrating on little things like walking in a straight line - despite the fact that Jack was leading the way, Daniel was certain that Jack was somehow keeping an eye on him, watching over him. Now that was a feeling he was used to.
It had taken a while, but Carter seemed to be almost back to her old self. She was certainly smiling more now than she had for quite a while after that thing with the Ashrak, and Jack knew that Janet and Cassie had tried their best to make her feel needed. He had let them get on with it, feeling uncomfortable intruding on their closeness, expecting Carter to deal with grief and loss when he was struggling with both himself. He remembered this feeling from last time round. After he had lost Charlie, he had turned in on himself, Jack recalled, to Sarah's annoyance. She had accused him of forgetting that she was grieving too, though that wasn't true. Jack didn't want to make the same mistake twice, but he found himself wondering at times whether Carter and Teal'c were grieving too. After all, Daniel and Carter had been close, two relative outsiders, both too smart for their own good at times. Jack had envied their ease together, hating himself for it. Himself, he had always felt more uncomfortable with the idea that they were both way smarter than he was, though time had worn down the edges of that feeling. Jack had come to know them both as human beings, rather than as scientists, and that had made all the difference. As for Teal'c, it was always difficult to know what was going on with him. He had carried around a good deal of guilt about choosing Sha're for Apophis, and it had taken a while for him to get past that and form a real friendship with Daniel. Jack had seen the seeds of that planted when Daniel had chosen to destroy Thor's Hammer, even though that had been their best hope of removing the Goa'uld from Sha're. If they ever found her. Some days, that seemed an impossible promise to keep. How many worlds did the Stargate system connect? And then there was the fact that Apophis had ships. Sha're could be anywhere - for all Jack knew she could even be dead. This whole 'quest' he was on, his promise to Daniel, could be a pointless one. Not that this meant Jack was giving up. After all, he had to have some reason to get out of bed in the morning, and that was as good as any.
Jack being solicitous was starting to wear on Daniel's already frayed nerves. Not content with almost kidnapping him and bringing him home, more like a stray puppy than Daniel cared to consider, Jack was now fussing over him. "I should get to bed," Daniel said, "or I'll fall asleep right here." He let Jack lead him up the stairs, though he had slept in Jack's spare room more times than he cared to remember since he came back to Earth. It was another example of Jack needing to be involved, Daniel realized, despite the tiredness that was washing over him. He stood in the doorway and watched Jack straighten up the spare bed, not too tired to notice the way that the material of Jack's chinos stretched as he leaned over and tucked in the far side. "All yours," Jack said, stepping back after he'd finished. Daniel blinked, his mind lurching from his contemplation of Jack's ass to try and make a reasonable response to that statement without revealing things he was too tired to deal with right now. "Goodnight," he said, after a moment's fruitless searching for some more appropriate reaction. "'Night, Daniel."
As Jack tied his boots in preparation for yet another trip through the 'Gate, he wondered whether he shouldn't be feeling a little less numb by now. He concentrated on the little things, Jack realized, using the familiarity of routine to cover the fact that some days he felt as though he was crumbling. That the slightest wrong move would see him turn to dust and be blown away. He was good at hiding this, so good that he had seen the glances Carter gave him when she thought he didn't notice - the ones that examined whether Jack was still grieving for Daniel, as if she was trying to determine whether he had ever really cared for Daniel at all. Not that Jack was prepared to let anyone judge what he had thought of Daniel - what made Carter think that she had the right? He and Daniel had shared experiences that no-one else on the planet had, Daniel had saved his life at the cost of his own, and that had to count for something special. Didn't it? And just because Jack was coping, making it through each day, didn't mean that his heart wasn't dead inside him, like a block of ice had replaced it. Jack had given the eulogy at Daniel's memorial service, feeling a nasty sense of deja vu overtaking him as he did so. It was just like the last time - he had said much the same things, it was just that this time Jack wasn't sure any more whether he really believed them. Whether he believed Daniel was gone or still hoped that, somehow, he could be alive. He couldn't stop looking every time the 'Gate opened, even if he knew who was coming back. It had become a habit by now, something that Jack would always do if he was in the control room when the alarm sounded. It wasn't that he really thought Daniel would return, but that he had to be certain. He had to be in control of something to do with Daniel being gone. Hammond had asked him to empty Daniel's apartment, just like the last time. This time, Jack had delayed things, saying that he'd get round to it, and the general didn't seem to be too worried about how long it would take. Carter had already gone over there to check that there was no sensitive material, which Jack knew was unlikely given the amount of time Daniel spent in his office at the SGC, and that all-clear had meant Jack could take his time. He wanted to leave it as long as possible, knowing that this was something he should do alone this time. Last time it had been too difficult, with Carter and Teal'c there too, just to spend some time in the last place that tied Daniel to this planet. Just to let Jack pretend he had told Daniel how he felt about him. Just to believe that something good could have happened between them if he had.
The next morning, Daniel could tell that Jack was watching him, even though he wasn't quite awake yet. Jack seemed to be on the verge of saying something on a number of occasions, yet the words never seemed to quite emerge. Daniel frowned to himself when he finally beat a retreat into the bathroom, to shower and to ponder what the hell was going on with him. When he came out, after deciding that he couldn't hide in there any longer, Daniel found Jack in the kitchen, nursing a mug of coffee like someone was about to try and take it away from him. Jack was clearly unaware he was being watched, as he stared out of the kitchen window, his thoughts far from Colorado. "Jack, I..." Daniel began, speaking more for the sake of saying something, of breaking into this slightly awkward silence that existed between them. Daniel saw Jack stiffen as he spoke, head coming up as Jack turned to face him. "I never asked you if you slept okay." "Like the dead," Daniel said, smiling until he saw the expression that crossed Jack's face at his ill-chosen words. "I'm sorry, I didn't think...." He could see the pain his thoughtless choice of words had caused Jack, it was there written all over his face for anyone who cared to look. Jack shook his head. "They're just words," he said, turning to look out of the window again. "We say things we don't really mean all the time." And sometimes we don't, Daniel thought, looking at the tenseness in Jack's shoulders. "I can't begin to imagine how it felt, Jack, that you thought I was dead...." "I should be getting used to it by now," Jack said, turning to face Daniel again. "After all, it's not like it's the first time I've been through this with you." Jack was smiling, but his eyes told the true story about what he was feeling. "Don't, Jack. Don't pretend like this. Not with me." Jack shook his head, looking down into the half-empty mug he held. "You don't need to pretend with me." "Ya think?" Jack asked suddenly, with a bitter sound to his voice. He looked up once more and his eyes met Daniel's, the pain in their depths more evident than ever. "You want to know what I really feel, Daniel?" "I wouldn't have asked otherwise," Daniel replied, refusing to back down under Jack's scrutiny. "You have no idea what you're letting yourself in for, Daniel," Jack continued, still looking at him. "No idea at all." "Then tell me, Jack," Daniel snapped. "For god's sake, tell me what's wrong!" "It changes everything, Daniel. Everything. You being okay, you surviving me leaving you behind to die." "You had no choice, Jack." Jack laughed, a bitter harsh sound in the relative stillness of the kitchen. "There's always a choice, Daniel. Sometimes it isn't all that clear what it is, but there is always a choice. And I made mine when I left you there." Jack turned, the words seeming to sap all the strength from him, so that he was leaning on the counter now, head bowed. The strong line of Jack's back was all eloquent silence - though he was motionless, Daniel could tell that he was close to tears, shoving them back down with all the stubbornness that Jack O'Neill was famed for. Suddenly bold, Daniel moved, crossing the space between them in a couple of steps before tentatively placing his hand on Jack's shoulder. He could feel the tension under his palm, the warmth that seeped through the shirt Jack was wearing and into Daniel's hand. "It's okay, Jack," Daniel said, keeping his voice low, his tone as soothing as he could. "I'm here. I'm alive and I plan to stay that way." Jack turned, suddenly, Daniel's hand sliding across his shoulder. They were face to face now, mere inches separating them. "I thought I'd missed my chance," Jack began, his eyes bright. "To tell you...." He paused, eyeing Daniel carefully. "You can't make promises about staying alive, Daniel, no-one can." "I can try," Daniel said. "I always try." Jack nodded, then was silent for a moment. "As long as you try," he said. "Stay here with me, Daniel." The slight brush of Jack's lips across his own was hardly unexpected, the crossing of the small space between them. Even so, it was something special, the sealing of a promise made with words and glances, the final capstone on a relationship that had been weeks and months in the making.
They stood at the base of the ramp, waiting for Rothman. As usual. If Rothman had any virtues, punctuality wasn't one of them, Jack decided, stifling a frustrated exclamation at being kept waiting again. Finally the door to the 'Gate room slid open once more, allowing Rothman to enter. He looked flustered, pulling his backpack on as he entered the room - his frown grew as he saw the rest of SG-1 waiting for his arrival. "I'm sorry, colonel," Rothman said, crossing over to where they stood. Jack looked at him, enjoying making Rothman squirm under his gaze, even if it also made him feel a twinge of guilt. Hadn't he let Daniel be treated this way on their first mission? "If you're sure you're ready," Jack said. "Can we go now?" Rothman nodded, looking slightly nervous, and Jack felt his guilt deepen. Just as Rothman passed him, heading for the ramp, Jack reached out and grabbed his arm. Jack couldn't miss the way that the other man hissed as Jack's hand made contact, and Jack had to ignore his instinctive reaction to let go. "Something wrong, Rothman?" Jack asked, frowning, as he pulled him to a halt. "Nothing I can't handle, colonel," Rothman replied, pulling free. "If you're not fit to go on this mission," Jack began. "I said I'm fine," Rothman snapped, clearly becoming angry now. "I'm not Daniel, you don't have to baby-sit me." Jack felt his expression harden as he tried to resist his instinct to punch Rothman two or three times as hard as he possibly could. "You have no idea, Dr. Rothman," Jack said, his words icy in their calmness, "about Daniel or about me." Rothman, to his credit, looked a little abashed at the reaction he had caused, and Jack felt his anger begin to wane. "If there's some kind of problem...." "I can deal with it, colonel," Rothman said, his voice calmer now. "And for what it's worth, I'm sorry. You must miss Daniel." You have no idea, Jack thought, as he followed Rothman up the ramp. No idea at all.
"What now?" Daniel asked. Jack looked over at him from the steak he was grilling. "What?" "This has to change things, Jack," Daniel continued. "You know that." "What? That I finally got my head out of my ass long enough to admit to what's really going on between us?" Daniel smiled, seeing an answering grin appear on Jack's face as he did so. He closed his eyes, leaning back against the wooden rail around Jack's deck, letting the sun warm his face. He'd missed this easy companionship, even in the short time that he and Jack had been separated. When he opened his eyes again, Daniel found that Jack was looking at him, even as smoke began to curl upwards from the steak he had left unwatched. "Jack." "What?" "I like my steak medium." "Huh?" Jack frowned, then suddenly realized what Daniel meant, and turned back to the grill just in time to prevent an inferno. "Think I'll have this one."
Jack watched Rothman carefully. Though he never took his jacket off, despite the relative warmth of the planet they were visiting, Jack could tell that Rothman had been hurt somehow, as he was clearly favoring his left side. When they got back to the SGC, there'd be plenty of time for a little chat about 'being ready for missions' and for Jack to find out what the hell was going on. He had his suspicions. Some Air Force staff in the base had taken less than kindly towards the idea of civilian personnel being so heavily involved in what was essentially a USAF project. While none of them had ever been stupid enough to say anything to Teal'c, who was technically as much of a civilian as any of the scientists who'd been recruited, Jack had always suspected that Daniel knew more about this kind of thing than he should. Though, it seemed to most, Daniel had earned his place on SG-1. There were rumors round the base that some of the non-military personnel hadn't been so well received. Nothing anyone could ever prove, annoyance more than anything else, but hostility none the less. And now Jack suspected that Rothman had been on the receiving end of some of that hostility. He had a responsibility towards Rothman, now that the other man was part of his team. Even if he hadn't wanted a replacement for Daniel, Jack had nothing against Rothman personally - his file had been accurate enough, he was as competent at the job as it had made out. Jack tried to think how he would have felt if it had been Daniel reporting for a mission with possible cracked ribs and bruising. He wondered how many people he would have put in the infirmary alongside him, how many Air Force careers would have been cut short that way. Not that Daniel would have tolerated it without wanting to fight back, he knew that. Daniel had been many things, but as geeky as he appeared, he was never one to back down from conflict. At times, that had led him into more trouble than he could cope with, but that was just the way he was. Watching Rothman scour the ground for any sign of civilization, Jack tried to concentrate on the task in hand. But all he could think was how different it could have been if Daniel was still alive. When Daniel was alive, Jack knew that he had felt alive too, in a way he had never expected to feel again after Charlie's death. Now, having lost Daniel as well, he didn't even have the comfort of knowing that his feelings for Daniel had been returned. Jack had never thought that he wouldn't have time to tell Daniel exactly how he felt about him. But he had been very wrong about that. He'd give anything for Daniel to be here, now. For it to be him that was making them spend more time on this planet than Jack was comfortable with, looking for the slightest sign that anyone had ever lived here. For the chance to talk with him, for Jack to tell him all the things he never got around to before, now that he knew telling couldn't really wait.
After dinner, Daniel had helped Jack clean up, following him obediently into the kitchen. In some ways, this all seemed a little too easy, this move into a greater intimacy, and Daniel was tempted to push the edges of it, needing to know its limits. That Jack was comfortable with him was nothing new. The experiences they had shared seemed to guarantee that. But these were uncharted waters, a voyage of discovery for both of them, and the thought of that made Daniel more than a little nervous. Jack had kept his distance since they had kissed earlier, though it was clear that he was watching Daniel whenever he thought Daniel wasn't looking, but this was nothing new. It had taken a little while for Daniel to become comfortable with the level of scrutiny that he was under as part of SG-1, but now it seemed normal. "I'd ask if you wanted coffee," Jack said, opening a cupboard, "but that's a stupid question, isn't it?" Daniel didn't answer, mesmerized as he was by the play of muscles across Jack's back through the clinging material of his shirt. Crossing over to where Jack was in a couple of steps, Daniel took a deep breath before molding himself to Jack's body, arms wrapping round Jack's chest. Jack was warm and solid, and he had frozen in place at Daniel's embrace, his hands still reaching into the cupboard. "Daniel?" "Hmmm?" Daniel asked, his nose pressed into the back of Jack's head. "What're you doing?" Daniel moved his head slightly, letting his face move until his chin was resting on Jack's shoulder. "No coffee for me, Jack." "Right," Jack said, putting the cups he was holding back into the cupboard and moving back slightly, hampered by Daniel's embrace, to close the door. "You going to let go any time soon?" "Wasn't planning to," Daniel said, breathing the words into Jack's ear. He felt Jack give a convulsive shudder as he did so, and filed that response away for future examination and detailed study. "Could we at least take this into the living room?" Jack asked, trying to turn in Daniel's embrace. Daniel allowed himself to be moved, until he was standing with his back to the kitchen counter, Jack pressed close against him. "That's better already." They were eye to eye now, and Daniel fought the automatic urge to look down, to break eye contact with Jack. What was there left to be embarrassed or ashamed about? He made himself look, studying Jack closely, while he listened to the silence that stretched between them. "Living room?" he repeated, finally. Jack smiled, stepping back as far as Daniel's embrace allowed. They moved together, Daniel's arms still loosely wrapped round Jack, towards the waiting couch. Daniel looked at the couch, then back at Jack, starting to feel a little uncertain. "Wanna make out?" Jack asked, grinning. The casualness of Jack's words was in clear counter-point to the look in his eyes. Daniel felt himself relax, knowing that Jack understood his worries, that he even shared some of them. "Sure," Daniel said, pulling Jack with him onto the couch, his embrace still intact. Jack was on top and alongside him then, a warm and heavy weight, his hands outstretched either side of Daniel's head to brace their joint impact. Holding his weight off Daniel, Jack settled gently onto him, one hand moving across to stroke his face. "Isn't this better?" Jack asked, smiling down at him. "Best idea you ever had, Jack."
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| Continued in part 2... | |