Lets get on with more jokes:

Cat Scan
A Quickie
A Gift
The Two Builders

CAT SCAN

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it," the vet announced. "Your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be £330," the vet replied. "£330!" screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost £330!?" "Well," the vet replied, "it's £30 for the office visit and £300 for the cat scan."

A QUICKIE

A man goes into a cafe, looks at the menu, and says to the waitress, "I'd like a quickie." The waitress gives him a dirty look and asks what he'd like for lunch. "I want a quickie," the man repeats.

The waitress slaps him in the face and orders him to leave. As he's leaving another diner says to him, "I think it's pronounced quiche."

A GIFT

Mr. Benton thought he had had the last word when he presented his ex-wife with an unusual gift for her birthday. A tombstone on which he had carved, "Here lies my ex-wife Sonja.....cold as usual."

Much to his surprise, however, his wife one-upped him for his birthday with a tombstone of his own on which she'd had carved, "Here lies my ex-husband Bennett.....stiff at last."

THE TWO BUILDERS

Two builders (Fred and Bill) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the "suit" schooners get the better of the builder...

Fred: "I reckon he's an accountant."

Bill: "No way he's a stockbroker."

Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the "suit" is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several Fred: "Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"

Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Fred: "Oh! What's that then?"

Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at home?"

Fred: "Er...mmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"

Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

Fred: "It's in a pond!"

Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?'

Fred: "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"

Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town that if you have a large garden that you have a large house?"

Fred: "As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!"

Suit: "Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"

Fred: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife.

Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week!"

Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"

Fred: "Me? Never!"

Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"

Fred: "How's that then?"

Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life!"

Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!"

Both leave the toilet and Fred returns to his mate.

Bill: "I see the suit was in there did you ask him what he does?"

Fred: "Yep ! He's a logical scientist!"

Bill: "What's that then?"

Fred: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"

Bill: "Nope?"

Fred: "Well then Bill, you're a Wanker!"