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The Horse
Sir NotaLot

THE HORSE

A man was driving home from work along a country road one evening when his car broke down. Seeing a farm house in the distance, he headed that way to see if they had a phone.

He knocked on the door and asked, "Do you have a phone I could use? My car broke down and I need to call into town for a tow truck."

The farmer replied, "Well, no I don't have a phone but I could lend you my spare horse to go into town. I have to warn you, though, that this is not your ordinary horse. It's last owner was a minister. To make it start walking, you have to say, 'Praise the Lord!' and to make it stop you have to say, 'Hallelujah!'"

The man nodded his understanding, took the horse's reins, and hopped on.

"Gittup," he said. The horse stood still.

"Ok, ok, praise the Lord," he said, and the horse took off. Things went along fine for a while, until the man realized suddenly that they were approaching the edge of a cliff. He started yelling at the horse in desperation.

"Woah...woah...WOAHHH!!!!" Just then, he remembered the farmer's instructions.

"HALLELUJAH!!!!" he shouted, and the horse stopped just in time, right at the edge of the cliff.

Raising his eyes to heaven in gratitude he murmured, "Oh, praise the Lord!"

SIR NOTALOT

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail.

He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?" King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"

So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armourer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail - what can you offer me?" The Armourer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stainless steel all-over protect-all with expanding cod-piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanised iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?" The armourer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket ... " (at least that's what I think he said) "... you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you"

So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armourer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered. The only problem was that Sir Notalot *clanked* at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way. He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow" SIr Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer. The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or...." Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been reprocessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?" Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King - dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along - draggity, clank, draggity, clank.

He reached the King, who said "Just in time, the others have gone that way" (Pointing to the East) So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet (clankity drag, clankity drag). at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well. And then the rain was so heavy that the road (Just a mud track, really) started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.

Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper" (since it was hailing by now) "have you a room?" And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers" In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have somewhere I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said.... . "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"