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The Deaf Mute
The Dishes
Winking

THE DEAF MUTE

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his penis on the counter, and puts down a five pound note next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

THE DISHES

A farm family, mother, father and ravishing daughter, were having their usual after-supper dispute about who would have to wash the dishes. It was a very odd dispute, because they had long ago agreed that whoever spoke first after the meal would have to do the dishes. So, dead silence, the three sitting there staring sullenly at each other.

Out on the road, a salesman was struggling with his car which had just broken down. He had the hood open and was fumbling around in the engine compartment when he unknowingly grasped the exhaust manifold, burning himself badly. After howling and hopping around, holding his burned hand and cursing vilely, he collected himself and looked around for help, and not far away he saw the lights of a farmhouse. He started off toward it, clutching his burned hand.

When he arrived, he knocked on the door, but there was no answer. So he looked in through the kitchen window, and there he saw the little family, sitting silently and glaring at each other.

"Must be a bunch of morons," he thought. "but check out those two babes! All right!"

So, he let himself into the house. "Hi you silly shits!" he said. "Anybody else around?" And of course, nobody answered. So, with a wicked leer, he grabbed the daughter and had her right there on the kitchen floor. Nobody said anything.

After a little rest and a smoke, his amorous nature overcame him and he was soon bulling away at the wife, and never a protest came from her or the other two as he did his dirty work.

Satiated at last, he began to feel the pain of his burned hand, so he searched through the house until he found the bathroom and a jar of vaseline.

He walked back into the kitchen, rubbing vaseline onto his burned hand, when the farmer stood up and said, "all right, I'll do the goddam dishes."

WINKING

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"