Lets get on with more jokes:

Clairvoyant Little Boy
Too Much To Drink
Tommy's Confession
Three Pints Of Guinness
The Love Of Beer
Peter's Problem
The Italian Who Went to Malta
The Poodle

CLAIRVOYANT LITTLE BOY

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

TOO MUCH TO DRINK

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

TOMMY'S CONFESSION

Tommy the young lad goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me father for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman."

The Priest says, "Is that you Tommy?"

"Yes father, it is I." "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation."

"Who was the woman you were with?" The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"No father."

"Was it Finola MacDonald?"

"No father."

"Was it Ann Brown?"

"No father, I cannot tell you."

The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Mary's".

Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks, "What happened?"

Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Mary's and three good leads."

THREE PINTS OF GUINNESS

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

THE LOVE OF BEER

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!"

PETER'S PROBLEM

Peter goes to the doctors. He has had blinding headaches since he was 18, and now, at 25, he is fed up with them. The doctor examines him, and says "I am very sorry, but your headaches are caused be testicular cramps, the onlyway to releive your headaches is to castrate you."

"Oh dear," says Peter, "I will have to think about this."

A month later, Peter goes back to the doctors. "I cant continue life with these headaches, you had better castrate me." sighs Peter.

As Peter regains conciousness after the operation, he realises with joy that his headache has gone, completly. He is so happy, and so releived, he decides to treat himself to a well - tailored suit, one that will not show that some parts are now missing. He books an appointment at a top tailors, and turns up to be measured.

After measuring him, and making notes, the tailor asks "What size underwear do you wear?"

"Small, I have worn Small since I was 18" says Peter.

"Small?" says the tailor in disbeleif, "A man of your build should wear medium, small will cramp your testicles into your body, and give you blinding headaches."

THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

THE POODLE

The English student asks, "Please miss, would you put your poodle in your lap so that I may sit down?" The American woman replies, "Young man, don't bother us, go away."

The student, trying to avoid trouble, takes another walk through the train and still can't find a seat. He goes back to the American woman with the poodle and asks again, "Please miss, I'll even let the poodle sit in my lap, just please let me sit down." The American woman yells, "Young man, I told you to go away and don't bother us, if you don't get out of here right now I'll call the conductor and have you removed!"

By now the student was quite perturbed so he took one more walk around the train, couldn't find a seat, so he finally came back and threw the poodle right out of the train window.

All this time an American gentleman has been peering over his newspaper and watching the exchanges between the American woman and the English student.

The American gentleman says, "You know, you English are quite strange. First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use the wrong currency, and now you throw the wrong bitch out of the window."