Light Bulbs

Part Two

Q: How many FORTRAN programs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1.00000000001

Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10

Q: How many games machine programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but he needs the seal of approval from Nintendo before he can put his light bulb in THEIR socket.

Q: How many Prolog programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: False.

Q: How many Lisp programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....

A: Hmmm, I'm not sure, better find out....

Q: How many neural nets does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: f'(x) = delta Sum log (HOUSE) / d(HOUSE)

Q: How many SAS programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many?

A: It depends : -

If they are applications programmers, it takes exactly twice as many as are currently available.

If they are host programmers, it takes one for each variant of Unix and/or MicroSoft Windows.

If they are core programmers, it only takes one. He just holds the bulb to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around him.

A: Zero. We have the housekeeping staff do it for us.

A: Please let us know!

A: That depends; what color is the bulb?

A: It all depends on whether they can read the manuals or not. That needs to be in there somewhere as a qualifier!

A: They can't change light bulbs... Without light, they can't read the manual,and without the manual, they can't figure out how to change the light bulb.

A: This can not be computed. Changing light bulbs is a hardware

problem...

A: Two. One to change the light bulb and one to make sure the stack of manuals doesn't tip over.

A: One, once the documentation for the procedure is found in one of the 15 manuals on the shelf.

A: Well, it depends upon the platform on which one stands!

A: Actually none, if you are willing to close your eyes to the output.

A: It can't be done yet. "Light bulb" is more than 8 characters long.

Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There's a primitive for that.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three:

One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None: "The user can work it out."

A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.

A: None: It should be obvious to an intelligent user.

Q: How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem ?..."

A: I'm sorry, we don't support that kind of lighting technology.

Q: How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a

light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok.

Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they just deny everyone access to the area served by the light bulb in question.

Q: How many computer security experts does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: "That depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb, one. If a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed.

Q: How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?

A: MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem,

and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.

Q: How many first-time computer users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but it takes him three hours and two phone calls to the electrician before he realizes he forgot to turn the switch on.

Q: How many experienced computer users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Dammit, why do they have to keep changing it ? Every bloody week.

You'd've thought they'd have learnt by now, if it's not broken they shouldn't bugger about with it. What's that ? It WAS broken this time you say ?

Q: How many PC users does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to do it, but one to check the new bulb for viruses first.

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.

Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.

Q: How many Macintosh engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None - it has to be done by a local authorized dealer.

Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One, but it costs $4000 and you have to replace the motherboard.

A: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one.

A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and one to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.

A: Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.

A: Just one, but the new light bulbs aren't compatible with the old

sockets, so he has to buy a complete upgrade or a new light.

A: None - there's no documentation available, so you have to wait until a third-party supplier comes out with a solution.

A: Did you try rebooting with extensions off ?

Q: How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two, but it has to be a pretty big light bulb!

A: Only one, but it has to stand on a trunk to do it.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Only 1, but you have to cut a hole in the skirting board for it to get in.

A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb.

Q: How many insects does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: Only two. Well, how many do you think it should take?

Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb ?

A: None. They screw in hotel rooms.

Q: How many of Jed's followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: FORNICATION! It's a sin to screw anywhere, even in light bulbs.

Q: How many circus performers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Four: One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!

A: Four. One to change the bulb and three to sing, Ta da!

Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three: One to turn up the day before when you're out, one to change the switch, and one to bring along the wrong kind of bulb.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.

A: None: Ceaucescu restricted them to use only one 40 watt bulb per family to save electricity.

A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?

Q: How many tourists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Six. They all beat the hell out of it, leave it lying in a dark alley and brag about it in the pub afterwards.

A: One, it only takes one person to use a hammer.

A: Three, one to change the bulb, one to take care of the sheep, and one to observe and try to think why he isn't tending to the sheep's needs.

A: Two, one to drive their home to the hardware store and one to buy the bulb and screw it in.

Q: How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?

A: Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a _long_ story about it...

Q: How many Greenpeace researchers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two, one to put in the new one and one to recycle the old one.

Q: How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.

Q: How many trainspotters does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three. One to change it, one to write its serial number down, and one to bring the anoraks and the flask of soup.

Q: How many Blue Peter presenters does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to change it, and one to turn the old one into an attractive Christmas tree decoration.

A: One to make the new bulb out of an empty loo roll and sticky back plastic.

Q: How many people on Get Stuffed does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Four. Two to trot merrily down to the shops to buy a new one, of whom person 1 then rips it unceremoniously out of its packaging and person 2 starts to do the changing, and the 2 "Mystery Chefs" to interrupt and tell us he's doing it all wrong.

Q: How many A & R men does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. "We're not changing any light bulbs at the moment."

A: None. "Well, I'm going to go out on a beam on this one, but I liked it better without the light bulb."

Q: How many Radio 1 DJs does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three. One to change it and two to resign over the changes.