Light Bulbs

Part Three

Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.

A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.

A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."

A: 5, one to change the bulb and 4 to get in free because they know the guy who owns the socket.

Q: How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three - One to do it and two to stand there and tell each other how they could have done it better.

Q: How many female opera singers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. If they sing loudly enough they'll break it.

Q: How many sopranos does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to climb up the ladder, one to kick the ladder out from under her and a third to say, "I knew that was too high for _you_ dear."

Q: How many classical music singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None - "Impossible. The altitude may put unnecessary strain on my vocal chords. Have the bassist do it."

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Seven. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to understand.

Q: How many country & western singers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Four. One to change it, one to sing about how heartbroken he is at the loss of the old one, one to sing about how madly in love she is with the new one, and one to go "Yeeeee-Hah !" and throw his hat in the air.

Q: How many hicks from Manassas, VA does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Four. One to do it and the other three to sit around and talk about how good the old one was.

Q: How many folk singers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Five. One to change it, and four to sing about how good the old one was.

Q: How many folk-dancers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: Just one, but they break a lot of bulbs, when they drop everything to get onto the dance-floor when they hear the introduction to a dance they want to do.

Q: How many square dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Four, and you have to walk them through it a few times.

Q: How many Techno dancers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six, one to wear it around the neck, one to bring ecstasy and give it to the dancer to distract him, one to steal the light bulb while the dancer is distracted and dazed from ecstasy, three to distract the

remaining crowd so they will not try to grab the bulb.

Q: How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they don't get up that high.

Q: How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better Michael Brecker would have done it.

A: Just one, but he has to go through a whole box to find just the right one.

Q: How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done it.

Q: How many members of Marillion does it take to change a light-bulb?"

A: Well, I thought it was going to be something to do with Fish but in fact the answer was only 2, but first they had to figure out how Genesis would have done it.

Q: How many members of Take That does it take to change a light bulb?

A: They can't sing, they can't dance so what makes you think they can

change a light bulb?

Q: Do you know how many Welsh people it takes to change a light bulb ?

A: No, but you sing it and we'll hum the tune in moving harmony...

Q: How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way Earl Scruggs would have done it.

Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Five. One to change it, and four to stand around going "Huh ! I could've done that !"

A: 5, one to do it and 4 to say that they liked it but would have done it a bit differently.

Q: How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Five-one to do it and four to beat back all the guitarists who are trying to elbow him out of the spotlight.

A: None. The keyboardist does it with his left hand.

A: It doesn't matter. Nobody will notice anyway.

A: Just one, but the guitarist has to show him first

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One to light a candle and say it's just as good as electric light.

A: None: "I've got a candle that looks just like it."

A: Light bulbs? C'mon, I got sunlight, fluorescent, candles-anything you want.

A: "Oh, just one. But this bulb won't do. You want to use a 3-way bulb, but if you can afford it, I hear that next month GE will be coming out .... "

A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.

A: Two: One to screw in the bulb, and one to patch it into the Korg.

A: Two: One to change the bulb and one to say "Yeah, that sounds just like it."

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be pushed in.

A: One, but only after asking "Why?"

A: Two: one to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne.

A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

A: 10. One to change the light bulb and the other 9 to dicuss how John Bonham would have done it !

A: One .. Two, and a-one two three four

Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?

A: Two - one to screw it in and one to complain that it is electrified.

A: Three, one to do it and two to argue about whether that was the way Bill Monroe would have done it.

A: It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again anyway after everybody else is done.

A: They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.

Q: How many blues musicians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to go to Chicago because there might be a light bulb there and the other to play harp.

A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb, and four to play sad, blue songs about the old, wornout light bulb.

Q: How many CD player users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stustustustustustustustustustuck

Q: How many LP player users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but the old bulb keeps getting stuck... getting stuck... getting stuck...

Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin'

in the wind.

Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.

Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"

Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.

A: Four. "Why four?" I just recon it to be about four, pal.

A: Three. One to do it and two to argue about who did it first.

Q: How many crusties does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least sound familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the light bulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed light bulb in its mouth.

Q: How many shaggy dogs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Fewer than it takes to screw in a heavy bulb.

Q: How many Goths does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.

Q: How many Evangelists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: 33. One to do it, 2 to bask in its glory, and 30 to take collections in the bulb's name.

Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four to make T-shirts. And optionally, we may add one fraternity to start the "wet T-shirt" contest!

A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.

Q: How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out.

A: Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.

A: 250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate whether it it was politically correct.

Q: How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they have council fires instead.

Q: How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to hold the ladder and one to change the penis. Oops ! I mean, er, the light bulb.

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Only one, but the light bulb must want to change.

A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

A: How long have you been having this phantasy ?

A: How many do you think it takes?

Q: How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Two - one to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way.

Q: How many witches does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: It depends on what you want them to change it into.

Q: How many egotists does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: One. He holds onto the light bulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: One, two ! One, two ! One, two !

A: None. "I don't do lights. That's the light crew's job."

A: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.