Light Bulbs

Part Four

Q: How many security guards at a Grateful Dead concert does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: 21: One to change the bulb, the rest to fatally beat the Deadhead who was only there to look at the light.

Q: How many Dead-Heads does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 10,001..... One to change the light bulb and 10,000 to follow the burnt-out one!!

Q: How many Frank Zappa's does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, the light bulb is not dead, it just smells funny.

Q: How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?

A: The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.

Q: How many health food freaks does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to remove the old one, and one to check the ingredients on the new one.

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to change it and one to get out a copy of The Ethical Consumer and discover to his/her horror that the manufacturer is part of Thorn EMI who are involved in, errrr, I dunno, testing software on mainframes or making farms for 3rd world potaters or something.

A: Dozens and dozens to go round selling raffle tickets so they can afford to buy the new one.

A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.

A: None. They are all too busy on much more important projects, like organising each other's lifts to the veggie restaurant meal.

Q: How many people at a London Vegans meeting does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: All thirty. Well, actually it's only one, but he has to wait at least half an hour while the others read out all the announcements.

Q: How many macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three. One to make the coffee, one to get the cigarettes, and one to ask Michio Kushi for instructions.

Q: How many old macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Five. One to change it, three to hold the ladder, and one to call the ambulance.

Q: How many young macrobiotics does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. They all sit in a circle, watching the old macrobiotics, and think beautiful thoughts.

Q: How many monkeys does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to do it and one to scratch his bum.

Q: How many dinosaurs does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: It takes thousands of dinosaurs millions of years......cos they have to evolve deposable thumbs so that they can grip the bulb to screw it in.

Q: How many antelopes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They are hardy animals that migrate between tundra and wide open plains and therefore have no need for an artificial light source.

Q: How many Jewish mothers in law does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None! I don't mind sitting here in the dark vilst u goes out enjoying yourselves.....

A: None, they'll just sit in the dark, they know you can't be bothered to do a simple thing like change a light bulb for them,

and after all they've done for you...

A: Three. One to screw it in and two to gossip about it behind her back.

Q: How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three - one to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty about having to call the cleaning lady.

Q: How many holocaust revisionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they just deny the bulb ever went out in the first place.

Q: How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets to eat the packaging.

Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: I dunno, I forgot my calculator at home.

Q: How many university students does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Two. One to fuse all the electrics while doing something silly, and one to phone the landlord to ask for the light bulb to be changed.

A: 31. Ten to vote on whether the light bulb needs changing, whether they should join the Light bulbs Union first and then what to call the new light bulb, one to put it in...and twenty to have a pissup after to celebrate a good days work...

Q: How many boarding school students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None, they have their parents do it for them.

Q: How many off-campus landlords does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. The students will just wreck it, anyhow, so why bother?

Q: How many Chinese students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Twelve: one to screw in the light bulb, one to sit in the jail, and ten to demonstrate on the streets.

Q: How many engineering students does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but the rest of the class copies the report.

Q: How many first year civil engineering students does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. That's a second year subject.

Q: How many laboratory heads does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Five; one to change the light bulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.

A: It all depends on the size of the grant.

A: Two and a professor to take credit.

A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 light bulbs a day.

A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.

Q: How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One hundred; one to change the light bulb, the other ninety-nine to stand around wondering why they weren't chosen.

A: None, pre-meds don't screw, they study.

A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.

Q: How many medical students does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.

Q: How many computer studies students does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. They are far too busy hacking.

Q: How many maths students does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: 20. One to change it and the rest to watch and discuss how exciting it is.

Q: How many school teachers does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Let's see: 2 A+'s, 3 A's, 5 A-'s, 11 B+'s, 9 B's, 21 B-'s...

A: None. Anything not completed during the lesson is added to the homework.

A: One if at home, but on school time, four.

A: On the space shuttle, 1,000,001. One to screw it in and a

million to pick up the pieces.

Q: How many Ph.D thesis supervisors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one; but every time they see a light bulb they have an irresistible urge to change it!

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, but once we get tenure, we don't change anymore.

A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: How many Stanford researchers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to turn the bulb, and one to

bill the government for the house.

Q: How many Stanford professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One to write a paper claiming that light is a pig whitey invention, one to organize a Darkness Studies program, and one hundred to protest the Diablo Canyon Nuclear Generating Station.

Q: How many academics does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. That's what research students are for.

A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modelling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many sheep does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to follow him round while he looks for a new one.

Q: How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.

A: It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with other men.

A: Two: One to do it, and one to get the sterile rubber gloves because it's possible that a gay touched the bulb before him.

Q: How many gay men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Three, one to screw in an Art Deco bulb and two to shriek Fabulous!"

A: None, they get screwed in the ass instead.

A: Hey, don't let's talk about the light bulb, honey, let's talk about

the shade !

A: Two. One to change it and one to grow a droopy moustache.

Q: How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Sixty-nine.

A: Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.

A: Two, one to do it and one to make a video documentary about it.

A: Two. One to screw it in real good and one to call the gynaecologist.

Q: How many prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: None. "Who needs lights ?"

A: None - they get screwed - they don't usually do the screwing.

Q: How many massage parlor attendants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whatever number turns you on, big boy.

Q: How many orgy attenders does it take to change a light bulb?

A: As many as possible, and don't ask what they do with the old bulb.

Q: How many phone perverts does it take to change a light bulb?

A: GASP GASP The interesting thing PANT here is what GASP are they wearing when they do it? GASP GASP AHH AHHHHHhhh