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The Spice Girls Application Form
Ways To Tell If Your Marriage Is In Trouble

THE SPICE GIRLS APPLICATION FORM

Name:

Age:

Real Age:

How would you best describe yourself?

• An energetic self-starter
• A team player
• A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet

Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your tits?

Would it bother you to be the target of unrelenting hatred?

"I am willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music industry."

• Yes
• No

How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?

Does nudity bother you? If so, give three excuses for your portfolio.

Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?

Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?

• Yes
• No

Choose an appropriate nickname:

• Sexy
• Nasty
• Sweetie
• Syphilis
• Lardy
• Sickly
• Sporty
• Slappy.

Choose an appropriate image:

• Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
• Tub of lard
• Bloke. In a tracksuit.
• Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
• Terrifying to small children and old men
• All of the above

Do you promise to make one album and then go away forever?

• Yes
• No

If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres, and 75 kilometres an hour, respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?

In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really, really, want this job.

WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE

Your wife packs a condom in your lunch bag.

When your wife says, "We had sex last month, Pervert!"

When you hear, "Oh Bill, hurt me, baby!" and your name is Dave.

When your wife's closest girl friend rides a Harlie and subscribes to "Succulent Kitten" Magazine.

When your toy poodle starts to growl everytime you hug your wife.

When your Pit Bull stops barking at the mailman.

When you call for the phone company and the repairman skids to a stop in front of your house 3 minutes later.

When the pizza man shows up with a hard on.

When the gardener demands to know what you're doing home on a Tuesday.

When your kids starts calling the butcher uncle Wolfgang.

When your wife's "back massager" feels like real skin, and has protruding veins on it.

When your wife tries to explain away her frequent headaches by telling you it's brain cancer.

When you wake up to find your wife standing over you with a pair of heavy-duty hedge clippers.

When you're invited to attend "What a bummer!" day on the Rickie Lake Show.

When your kid invites the milkman to school for show and tell.