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Politically Correct Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
How To Make Spam

POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE IS STUPID

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box.

A couple sandwiches short of a picnic.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

The porch light's on, but nobody's home.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off his cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

HOW TO MAKE SPAM

Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US, and today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (TM)*, one that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out, I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it.

(Note : I had to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from suing me.)

Ingredients:

*One cow*        

(a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in suspect cuisine)

*One pig*        

(with a similar outlook on life to the cow)

A ten kilo slice of whale blubber

A large pot of moisturiser

A can of petrol

Utensils :

A cement mixer

A clothes peg

Two hand guns

Directions:   

Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber. Feed the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half.  Pigs will eat anything, but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.

If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all in quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one. Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.

After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones, brains and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts. Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next visit Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double Cheesburgers. 

.  Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After an hour it should start to resemble spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that feeling of faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable!  So Add the moisturiser until it is.  

And there you have it!

In my next recipe, Copious Barfon will be showing you how to make a cheap capucino from mud, flem and flaked weasels droppings. Till then, happy eating!