Lets get on with more of the business: The Night Before Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Politically Correct Nativity
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere ... even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth ... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on this Earth."
POLITICALLY CORRECT NATIVITY And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused
wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped
him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no
room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds
and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a
Savior, which is Christ the Lord." "There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who
happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely
regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where
such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover. "And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much
like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."
Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over
there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as
well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be
on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some
sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves
and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"
"Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before
it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a
Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and
Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic
license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard
homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're
not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever,"
said the painter. Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth
"because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin
births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in
family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for
them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she
was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse
and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd,
where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of
reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the
infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy
debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy
should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the
side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes
carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two
leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the
other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where
animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves
or candy canes. Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on
Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you,
old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here
to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to
complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or
just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to
tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men
rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not
very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of
the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?"
someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished
lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and
your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary
thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman
spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are
important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not
divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in
excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary,"
said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter
festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from
now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and
have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."
"Let me get back to you," Mary said.