Lets get on with more of the business: PREPARATION FOR PARENTHOOD Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother
or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take
out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug
store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the
pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have
your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper
and read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall
behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will
have all of the answers. 3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5
PM to 10 PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10 PM
put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at
12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 AM. Put
the alarm on for 3 AM. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 AM and
make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 AM. Get up again at 3 AM when the alarm
goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 AM. Put the alarm on for 5 AM.
Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut
butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind
the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with
crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this -- all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only Scotch tape and a
piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container,
a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact
replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for
a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a minivan. And don't think you can leave it
out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect! 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the
way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk. 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly
down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette
butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the
way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand,
until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the
house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a
walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame
Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I
love you, you love me," at work, now! you finally qualify as a
parent.