Lets get on with more of the business:
Symptoms of Internet Dependency
Nature Of The Universe
Cat Food
True Astrology
SYMPTOMS OF INTERNET DEPENDENCY
How many times have you checked your e-mail today?
How often do you wonder who's written you on e-mail?
How often do you ask other people to use their terminals to check your e-mail?
How often do you ask people to send you e-mail?
How often Do you send e-mail to someone who lives right next Door to you? or is in the same room as you? someone you see everyday?
Do you search your addressbook for someone new to e-mail that you barely know? or Don't know at all?
Do you get more excited when someone e-mails you, rather than writing a letter or calling by phone?
Have you ever e-mailed someone you Don't know, and have never even seen before, just to make some smart-ass comment and see if you get a response?
Do you spend friday or saturday nights in front of your computer screen on e-mail or the internet?
Do you call people just to get their e-mail address, and then hang up, only to e-mail them immediately afterwards.
Do you have other people e-mail people you've e-mailed just to encourage them to get on their asses and e-mail you back?
Do you write senseless things on e-mail late at night or in the day and send them to friends just for the hell of it?
Do you call people just to tell them you e-mailed them, and then hang up so they can read their e-mail, and hopefully respond?
Does e-mail and the internet distract you from obligations and time spent with loved ones?
Do you find yourself sitting in front of the screen wondering what new, screwed up types of things you can put on the internet (i.e.; pictures out of words and punctuation marks, or smart-ass quizzes like this?)
Do you have a gpa that's below 2.5, but you still email for 4 hours the night before an exam?
NATURE OF THE UNIVERSE
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."
Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time."
John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others."
Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it."
Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."
Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."
Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."
William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass of the universe seems to be missing."
Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for."
Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."
Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed."
Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge."
Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
CAT FOOD
Humans:
Your cat waits and miaows at the front door when you arrive. Is it saying:
a) Welcome home
b) The phone rang twice while you were out
c) Feed me, NOW
Your cat miaows at the door when you go out. Is it saying:
a) Please don't leave me here all alone
b) Goodbye
c) But what if I get hungry while you out?
Your cat digs its claws in your leg. Is this:
a) An unsupressed primal instinct
b) A sign of affection
c) A demand to be fed now
Your cat scratches at the door after being fed: Is it saying:
a) Lemme out - I need to use the garden
b) Wanna go out and play
c) Wonder what they've got to eat next door?
Cats:
Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean:
a) It's hungry
b) It's lost
c) You're hungry
Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this:
a) supper
b) something to keep you going till supper's ready
c) inedible junk to be scorned in favour of what the human's got.
Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean:
a) You're in trouble - better not do it again
b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time
c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it.
Staircases are for:
a) Getting up to the human's bedroom at 4am
b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of
c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it.
d) all of the above
TRUE ASTROLOGY
Have you noticed how astrologers always leave out the nasty bits? Here is the awful truth:
Aquarius: You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. In other words you lie a great deal. You are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make repeated mistakes. Everyone thinks you are a nerd.
Pisces: You have a vivid imagination. You are full of self-importance but have minor influence over your associates, in fact most of the time other people don't know you exist. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisceans screw small animals.
Aries: You are a pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are prone to smashing windows and spitting. In fact you are a prick.
Taurus: You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Trouble is, you do it all wrong. Most people see you as stubborn, otherwise as a clutz. Taurus people have BO, halitosis and fart a lot.
Gemini: You are a quick intelligent thinker and well liked because you are bisexual. You do expect too much for too little and this means that you are a cheapskate. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer: You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. People walk all over you. You are always procrastinating and that is why you will always be on state benefit and not worth a shit.
Leo: You consider yourself a born leader - but others think you are a mouse. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot stand criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving bastards.
Virgo: You are an artistic type and have difficulty with reality. You are kind and gentle. If you are male you are probably queer. Most Virgo women make excellent whores. All Virgos die of venereal disease.
Libra: You are logical and hate disorder. This nit-picking makes your friends sick. You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Libras make excellent bus drivers and pimps.
Scorpio: You are shrewd in business and therefore cannot be trusted. You will achieve great success because you are devoid of ethics. You are a social mis-fit and a total bastard. Most Scorpios are murdered, usually in bed.
Sagittarius: You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you lack talent. Most Sagittarians are drunks or drug addicts. People laugh at you a lot.
Capricorn: You are conservative and avoid risks. Hence you don't do much and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of importance. A Capricorn should avoid standing still too long as a dog might mistake you for a tree and piss on you.