Lets get on with more of the business: How To Give Your Cat A Pill HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbows, just as
if you were giving a baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "That's a nice
kitty." Drop pill into its mouth. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa. Follow same procedure as from the beginning, but hold cat's front paws
down with left hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill
into its mouth with right forefinger. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.) Again proceed as from the beginning, except when you have cat firmly
cradled in bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your
torso over cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's
mouth by lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in -- quickly. Since your
head is down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing.
That's just as well. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.
Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here, anyway? Retrieve cat
and pill. Assuming the first position, say sternly, "Who's the boss
here, anyway?" Open cat's mouth, take pill and ... Ooooops! This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.) Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man -- or
woman. Resume the first position. Rotate your left hand to cat's head.
Press its mouth at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.
Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours). Take two aspirins and lie down. PROBLEM SOLVING FLOWCHART
Problem Solving Flowchart
Solve your problems the easy way:
_________________________
yes | Does the damn | no
---------------| thing work? |----------------
| ------------------------- V
| ________________
| yes | Did you mess |
| --------| with it? |
______________ V ----------------
| Don't mess | _______________ |
| with it! | | You dumb | |
-------------- ------- | shit !!! | | no
| V --------------- |
| no _______________ V
| ------| Does anyone | _______________
| | | know? | yes | Will you |
| | --------------- --------| catch hell? |
| V | | ---------------
| -------- | yes V |
| | Hide | | ______________ |
| | it! | ------->| You poor | | no
| -------- | bastard! | |
| | ------->-------------- |
| | | | |
| | | no V V
| | | _________________ _____________
| | | | Can you blame | | Forget |
| | ------| someone else? | | it. |
| | ----------------- -------------
| | | yes |
| | V |
| | ----------------- |
| ----------->| No | |
| | problem! |[---------------
---------------------->-----------------