Lets get on with more of the business: FART DEFINITION Note: All farts are divided into two groups: yours and somebody else's. THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for
some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
farted an Anticipated Fart. THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It
is identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed
by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its
odor is foul, will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car.
And then someone will say, who farted in the back seat? THE BARN OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in
identifying this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before
daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort
of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that
has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it
sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart. THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic
Characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can
be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter
alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods,
such as beans. THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it
can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike
the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor recently
held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class and let it go
right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions. THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world
of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no
point in describing this far any further. THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter
is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push
their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and
ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some time after.
Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with some people. THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that
fails. For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart,
because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else
expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In most
cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed. THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not
some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon.
The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned
fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an
echo. THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of
farts, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not
already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most
embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone. THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be
identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.
You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist that
only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just something
that happens to smell like a fart. THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at
the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well".
There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old person's fart as there is. THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles,
grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a
single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether
pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart. THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the
john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons. THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe
watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes
thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed
altogether as a far. What was that, you might think? And never guess. THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other
food works this way. It is rare. THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all
farts a fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God
Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say,
oh shit, which would be understandable. THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the
only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just
look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you
pay attention. THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person
who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats
even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if
you noticed how good and pure and health his fart smells. It may smell to
you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is
doing what he thinks is best. THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it
quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch
it, then it is the Scratchass Fart. THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its
Pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts.
It is frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to
it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the
longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable
to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong,
loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds. THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is
the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people
will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common. THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to
man. The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It
gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when
it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances. THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for
a fart. Is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate
Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled.
It sounds like a fart that hurts. THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt
one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification
with this one. THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to
much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common. THE SKILLSAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really
shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw
ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too
common. THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is
even bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart
is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous.
No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that could
do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off. THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the
wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all. THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny
fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best
described as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a
forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets
farted after considerable effort. THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied
than your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours
or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too,
even on a windy day. THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very
good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can be
talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he
will never know. THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look
around after you have farted and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out
of there. THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify.
Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the
fart for you!