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The Dark Computer
Computer Terminology Explained
Mouse Balls
THE DARK COMPUTER
The Dark Computer is a technological breakthrough destined to eclipse the recently announced Light computer. The Dark Computer results from years of study, research and developments in the dark. It is faster than the light computer because dark travels faster than light. (Proof: Before light bets anywhere dark is already there!)
The Dark Computer uses the newly discovered subatomic particle, the dark quark. Our research has determined that two dark quarks combine to form the basic elementary particle of darkness, the offon. Three dark quarks combine to form the elementary particle of management, the moron.
The Dark Computer requires very little power, so little, in fact that it is completely powered by a single lunar cell (similar to the solar cell, but more efficient in dark conditions).
A complete bundled software package, developed at the Arizona University of Mimes Night School, comes with each Dark Computer. The software includes DOS (Dark Operating System), Lunar-C (a quick & dirty C compiler), Duskbase-V (an irrational database), and NADA (an object oriented programming language). Some of the special hardware features of the Dark Computer are:
The MLB Dark Computer is especially useful for such applications as black hole research, dark side of the forces commutations, blindfold tests, vampire tracking, and mushroom management. Military applications include SDI, Stealth Research, and RFP generation. The Dark Computer is powerful enough to handle computations on matter, anti-matter, and doesn't matter.
Don't be left in the light! Get a Dark Computer for your company and keep all your employees in the dark!
COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY EXPLAINED
| Term | Description |
|---|---|
| Alpha. | Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work." |
| Beta. | Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." |
| Computer. | Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM. |
| CPU. | Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 386, a ferret if it's a 486 and a ferret on speed if it's a 586. |
| Default Directory. | Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. |
| Error message. | Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings. |
| File. | A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown. |
| Hardware. | Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered. |
| Help. | The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything. |
| Input/Output. | Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk. |
| Interim Release. | A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance. |
| Memory. | Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity. |
| Printer. | A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. |
| Programmers. | Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies. |
| Reference Manual. | Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg. |
| Scheduled Release Date. | A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it. |
| User-Friendly. | Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer. |
| Users. | Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert. |
| Novice Users. | People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. |
| Intermediate Users. | People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. |
| Expert Users. | People who break other people's computers. |
MOUSE BALLS
ESD PRODUCT SERVICE SUPPORT
SUBJECT:NEW RETAIN TIP
Record number: H031944
Device: D/T8550
Model:
M
Hit count: UHC00000
Success count: USC00000
Publication
code: PC50
Tip key: 025
Date created: O89/02/14
Date
last altered: A89/02/15
Owning B.U.: USA
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replaceable Unit)
Text:
Mouse balls are now available as a FRU.
If a mouse fails to operate, or should perform erratically, it may be in need of a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method, and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary functional items.
P/N33F8462 -- DOMESTIC MOUSE BALLS
P/N33F8461 -- FOREIGN MOUSE BALLS