Lets get on with more of the business: How To Be A Cowboy HOW TO BE A COWBOY Don't squat with your spurs on. Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none. The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller. Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around. Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'. When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there with ya. Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely
different propositions. The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches
you shave his face in the mirror every morning. When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person,
don't be surprised if they learn their lesson. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
in. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Always drink upstream from the herd. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep. Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably
a whole lot bigger'n you think. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back
into your pocket. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment. Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. HOW TO BE AN ASTROLOGER The first rule to remember is that no one but no one likes to hear about
impending financial disaster ("You'll be wiped out at the stock
exchange"), trouble at work ("Librans will find themselves
holding pink slips"), or family problems ("Your wife has gone
way past her credit limit"). The populace at large laps up the good
stuff: "The President needs your help to balance the deficit", "Sharon
Stone is sending you a marriage proposal at ten fifty eight next Friday
evening", "Your ma-in-law will lose her power of speech",
etc., etc. Next, you need to develop the art of making the banally general seem
like brilliant insight; the ability to write assertions that sound
terribly specific, but can apply to nearly everyone. If you can jot down "while
you have some weaknesses, you are generally able to compensate for them",
or "the situation will improve on the work front," you are on
your way. Now move on to platitudes like "there have been rough patches in
the past, but things will get better", and character analyses like "you
are introverted, but sometimes you can be quite extroverted". A novice may initially be struck with divine prescience (a chat with the
neighbourhood gossip), and will be tempted to put this piece of
prognostication in his syndicated column; "The pinhead who lives in
Apt 2C, Dumbkopf Heights, is a closet liberal". This is disastrous
and breaks the cardinal rule of astrology: BE VAGUE. Once you are established as a seer (you'll know it when you see your
vacuous mug staring out the newspaper), envious folks will try to throw a
spanner in the House of Pluto. One of those "rational" blokes
will corner you at a party and will pester you with silly questions like,
"What you say holds true for one twelfth of mankind". Shut him
up with statements like, "Oh please, have an open mind," and "if
gravity from the planets and moon can affect such things as tides, surely
it can affect our personalities -- after all, humans beings are ninety
percent water". A final word of advice: don't take your "science" too
seriously. You may read a newspaper story that says "a black horse
with large brown spots, or a brown horse with large black spots will win
the Derby", and if you act on it, you could end up selling ball pens
in suburban trains.
How To Be An Astrologer