Lets get on with more of the business: Competitive Christmas COMPETITIVE CHRISTMAS Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more
competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures
are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary. The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be
the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant,
providing savings in maintenance costs. The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost
effective. In addition, their romance during the working hours could not
be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated. The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the
number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that
using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the
company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet
federal residency requirements. The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system,
with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the
birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this
information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs
of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck. The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative
implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other
precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks
appear to be in order. The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be
afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per
goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese
will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the
Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose
it gets will be a good one. The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.
Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The
current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better
enhance their outplacement. As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy
scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being
sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no
upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try
a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring. Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be
phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination.
Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary
retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad
defense against an employee lawsuit. Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the
expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to
suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While
leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should
result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of
the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback
on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line. Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that
stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship
in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a
substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel. MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS NORTH POLE (API) - MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite
from Santa's summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the
deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and
other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of households through the Santa Sleigh. The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This
unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas
great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and
Reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines
for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict. When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft
has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our
products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some
immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and
Office 98." In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly
endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a
green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98
trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the
deal. Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The
first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization.
This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She
continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release
Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year." She
further elaborated that "Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network
will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first." Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year
and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs
explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the
nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that
was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With
Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which
are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the
economy over the year." When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained
that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start
there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will
have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays
with a short history may not be in the plans. Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official
confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's
stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is
looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and
services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in
Redmond. A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for
comment.
Microsoft Christmas