Pearls Of Wisdom

PEARLS OF WISDOM

• You know it's going to be a bad day when ...
  • your pet rock snaps at you.
  • your twin forgets your birthday.
  • your answering machine tells you it's none of your business.
  • you try start your car and are ejected through the roof of your garage.
  • you get struck by lightening on a sunny day.

• Entry in Weekly Schedule, New Zealand Symphony Orchestra:
  
  • Another Month Ends
    All Targets Met
    All Systems Working
    All Customers Satisfied
    All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
    All Pigs Fed and Ready to fly
    

• International relations:
  • The Scots pray on their knees on Sunday and on their neighbours the rest of the week.
  • The Welsh keep the sabbath and anything else they can get their hands on.
  • The Irish don't know what they believe in but will fight to the death for it.
  • The English claim to be self made men which relieves the Almighty of a horrid responsibility.

• Murphy's Laws for Engineers (also applicable to Physicists, we think!):
  • The more innocuous a design change appears, the further will its influence extend.
  • Any error that can creep in, will. It will be in the direction that will do most damage to the calculation.
  • A transister protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
  • All constants are variables.

• Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down

• Brooke's Law:

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

• In theory, theory and practice are the same.

In practice, they're not.

• The sum intelligence in the world is a constant.

The population is growing.

• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

• "As a matter of fact" is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.

• Usenet is the delusion that all subjects can be classified in a neat hierarchy.

• Common sense and conscience are like a muscle. If you don't use a muscle it gets weaker and weaker.

• If the human brain was simple enough for us to understand, we would still be so stupid that we couldn't understand it.

• There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

• The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.

• Romance is like a game of chess - one false move and you're mated.

• If you have tried your hand at something and failed, the next best thing is to try your head.

• As you slide down the bannister of life, may the splinters never point your way.

• A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

• A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

• They tell us courtesy is contagious. So why not start an epidemic.

• Good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement!

• Children disgrace us in public by behaving just like we do at home.

• Often the same thing that makes one person bitter makes another better.

• Love looks through a telescope; envy looks through a microscope.

• If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

• It's always easy to see both sides of an issue we are not particularly concerned about.

• A real friend is a person who, when you've made a fool of yourself, lets you forget it.

• The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

• He who laughs last thinks slowest!

• A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane.

• Science has found that insanity is hereditary...parents get it from their children.

• Mathematicians are a species of Frenchman: if you say something to them, they translate it into their own language and presto! it is something completely different.

• Lecturing has been described as the passing of information from the lecturer's notes to the students' notes without passing through the brain of either.

• Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

• Scientists animated by the purpose of proving that they are purposeless are an interesting object of study.

• The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is that you usually have to eat them.

• Don't be a carbon copy of something. Make your own impressions.

• To really know a man, observe his behaviour with a woman, a flat tyre, and a child.

• No matter what you do, someone always knew you would.

• Have you noticed that an optimist is always able to see the bright side of other people's troubles?

• Just why do men lie about each other when the plain truth would be bad enough?

• Ideas are like children: no matter how much you like other people's, you can't help thinking your own are the best.

• Intimacy has been defined as 'what you can scratch, in front of whom, and whose it is'.

• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

• Programming is like sex; one mistake and you support it for a lifetime.

• It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.

• Human history is a drama in which the stories stay the same, the scripts of those stories change slowly with evolving cultures, and the stage settings change all the time.

• A jury is a group of twelve men and women of average ignorance.

• A psychologist says kissing is where two people get so close together they can't see anything wrong with each other.

• Foreign dictators are difficult to understand. You can never tell whether they are smart men bluffing, or imbeciles who meant it.

• Summer has set in with its usual severity.

• Judge each day, not by the harvest, but by the seeds you plant.

• The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

• If you have an unpleasant neighbour, the odds are that he does too.

• Hospitality meets its greatest test when a new idea drops by uninvited.

• Many a man's expenditure of speech exceeds his income of ideas.

• Envy provides the mud that failure throws at success.

• It's a well known fact that the older a man gets, the faster he could run as a boy.

• A man who goes out to meet trouble will have a short walk.

• Nothing depreciates a car faster than a neighbour buying a new one.

• The road to failure is greased with the slime of indifference.

• If it's true the world's getting smaller, why do they keep increasing the price of postage?

• Modesty is the art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.

• A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

• Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

• Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

• For every minute you're angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.

• 'Anger' is just one letter short of danger.

• An angry man is seldom reasonable; a reasonable man is seldom angry.

• Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

• Psychiatrists say that one of four people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it.

• The human brain is a wonderous instrument. It starts working the moment you wake up and doesn't stop until you get to the office.

• It takes very little to make a woman happy, and more than is contained in Heaven and Earth to keep her that way.

• Pessimists are the world's happiest people. Ninety percent of the time they are right, and the other ten percent they are pleasantly surprised.

• Is it bad luck for a black cat to walk behind you? That depends on whether you are a man or a mouse.

• A nurse is a girl who holds your hand and expects your temperature to go down.

• I think every girl should hold on to her youth, except when he's driving.

• If the doctor cures, the sun sees it; but if he kills, the earth hides it.

• Charity begins at home and generally dies from lack of out-of-door exercise; sympathy travels abroad extensively.

• A man is as old as he feels, but never as important.

• Enthusiasm breakfasts on obstacles, lunches on objections, and dines on competition.

• Life not only begins at forty - it begins to show.

• The best way to get rid of a hothead is to give him the cold shoulder.

• The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.

• Many a man creates his own lack of opportunity.

• If you don't enjoy what you have, how could you be happier with more?

• Compromise is always wrong when it means sacrificing a principle.

• A successful politician is one who can stay in the public eye without irritating it.







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