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Lovely Things To Do To A Woman You Care About
If Men Got Pregnant

LOVELY THINGS TO DO TO A WOMAN YOU CARE ABOUT

Return her phone calls after a delay -- if at all -- to show her who's in charge. When you do call her, don't feel obligated to stop talking with whomever is in the room with you. Provide her the luxury of listening to your half of an ongoing conversation.

Call her answering machine and leave a message for an old girlfriend by mistake.

Get angry if her line is ever busy and you can't get through when you call. Then get even angrier when she finally gets call waiting and puts you on hold.

When you're over her house and her phone rings, ask accusingly, "I wonder who that could be?"

During those first few moments of intimacy, when she asks if you have protection and you don't, lie. She won't mind once things get going.

Stake your claim: leave a "love bite" high up on her neck or some other noticeable place.

Answer her phone at 6am when her mother calls.

At the beach, offer to rub suntan lotion on her back. Spread it on in nifty patterns.

Tell the waiter you're both ready to order when she's obviously not. Order for her at dinner without asking her what she'd like to eat.

Act insulted when she swoons over Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon, then wistle loudly and wave at Michelle Pfeiffer during Batman Returns.

Share a story about something great you did together, then, seeing her puzzled expression, say, "Oh I guess that wasn't you after all."

Talk to the dog instead of her. Say "The dog likes me better."

Be sure to greet her when she gets home from work with the three words no woman can hear often enough: "What's for dinner?"

Ask her to make you apple pie like your mom used to make, then grimace after tasting it.

Leave the toilet seat up, especially during the night-- she's more likely to fall in that way.

Forget which day her birthday is, then send a belated greeting with a sorrowful-eyed kitten on it.

Use the vacation money you've both been saving to buy a laserdisc player.

Talk baby talk to her when she's in a bad mood.

"Accidentally" read her diary, then confront her about its contents.

Act like nothing is wrong after a big fight. Say, "Wanna go to a movie?"

When she's sticking to her diet and you're out on the town together, be sure to order her favorite dessert for yourself. Recommend your ex-girlfriend's exercise class to her. Buy her a "Buns of Steel" workout tape. Then buy her the Cindy Crawford workout tape for your own viewing pleasure.

As you fondle her breasts during an intimate moment, murmur in her ear: "Ah, the smaller the grapes, the sweeter the wine."

Tell her you're not impressed by gorgeous, slender glamour girls, you'd rather come home to her.

Give her other backhanded compliments, such as "Black is so slimming" or "Your skin has really cleared up."

Leave your underwear all over the floor and complain "This place is a mess"

Sleep with your arms around her like an octopus, so when she wakes up, her whole body has gone to sleep.

Push her head down to indicate you'd like a blowjob.

Call out another woman's name at the moment of climax. Call out a man's name at the moment of climax.

If it was all over in 30 seconds or less, dare to ask, "Was it good for you?"

Say, "Honey, I introducted you to my parents as my friend because I think of you as a friend. A really good friend. You're a girl and you're my friend. They know you're a girl, so I just say 'friend.'"

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

Maternity leave would last for two years...with full pay

There'd be a cure for stretch marks

Natural childbirth would become obsolete

Morning sickness would rank as the nation's number one health problem

All methods of birth control would be improved 100 percent effectiveness

Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet trained

Men would be eager to talk about commitment

They wouldn't think twins were quite so cute

Fathers would demand thaqt their sons be home from dates by 10:00pm

Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags

They'd have to stop saying,"I'm afraid I'll drop him."

Paternity suits would be a line of clothes

They'd stay in bed for the entire nine months

Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as an entree

Women would rule the world!