Lets go back to school:

Essays
Kid Politics
Teacher Contract
Music Lesson

ESSAYS

Here are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7:00 instead of 7:30.

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36p.m. traveling at 55mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

KID POLITICS

Culled from elementary school essays on U.S. politics:

Universal suffrage means that even the illegible get to vote.

The difference between a king and a president is that a king is the son of his father but a president is not.

It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes.

Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president.

Some of our presidents never did much else and are famous only because they became president.

The president has the power to appoint and disappoint the members of his cabinet.

Much has been said about balancing the budget. It has been found that the budget is more talkable than balanceable.

The campaign is when the candidate tells what he stand for and the election is when the votes tell if they can stand for his being elected.

Actually, elections are different from politics. Elections come and go while politics are with us all the time.

The winning candidate is elected and inoculated.

In January, the president makes his Inaugural Address after he has been sworn at.

Once he is elected, sometimes the president has to work 24 hours a day until he finds out what he is supposed to do.

The nominees are usually called candidates or campaigners although I have heard them called other things.

One of the strictest rules is all dark horses running for president must be people. Popular votes tell who is the most popular.

Electoral votes tell who is the most elected.

A caucus is something people vote in. Sort of a small booth.

An overwhelming favorite is a candidate that often comes over to the convention and whelms the delegates.

The jobs of delegates is to resent their states.

Noncommittal is to be able to talk and talk without saying anything.

Political science is to try to figure out what makes candidates act that way.

A split ticket is when you don't like any of them on the ticket so you tear it up.

When they talk about the most promising presidential candidate, they mean the one who can think of the most things to promise.

Political strategy is when you don't let people know you have run out of ideas and keep shouting anyway.

A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.

We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.

A candidate should always renounce his words carefully.

We are learning how to make our election results known quicker and quicker. It is our campaigns we are having trouble getting any shorter.

Campaigns give us a great deal of happiness by their finally ending.

TEACHER CONTRACT

So you want to be a teacher. Here are some conditions in a 1923 school teachers contract for female teachers.

Teacher is not to get married. This contract becomes null and void if teacher marries.

Teacher is not to keep the company of men.

Teacher must be home between the hours of 8 P.M. and 6 A.M. unless in attendance at a school function.

Teacher may not loiter downtown in ice cream parlors.

Teacher may not leave town at any time without permission of the Chairman of the Board of Trustees.

Teacher is not to smoke cigarettes or drink wine, beer or whiskey.

Teacher may not ride in a carriage with any man except her brother or father.

Teacher is not to dress in bright colors.

Teacher may not dye her hair.

Teacher will not wear dresses more than two inches above the ankle.

Teacher is to wear at least two petticoats.

Teacher is to bring a bucket to school to clean and scrub the building every week.

MUSIC LESSON

Culled from school essays on music:

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.

Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

An opera is a song of bigly size.

In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.

When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.

I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.

Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.

A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.

Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer is Opus.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.

My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.

Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.

A tuba is much larger than its name.

A harp is a nude piano.

You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.

Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.

A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.

Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.

While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.

The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.

When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.

The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.

A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.

Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!

Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.

Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.

The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.

For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.

I can't reach the brakes on this piano!

The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.

Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.

Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.

The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.

A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.

My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.

Tubas are a bit too much.

Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.

I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.

Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.