Lets go on our travels:

How To Identify Where A Driver Is From
Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosinia

HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM

Both hands in air gesturing wildly, both feet on accelerator and talking to someone in back seat: Italy

One hand on steering wheel and one hand on horn: New York

One hand on steering wheel and one finger out window: Chicago

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper while reading it and foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

One hand on steering wheel cradling cell phone & brick on accelerator: California

Same as above plus gun in lap: Los Angeles

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes completely shut both feet on brake and quivering in terror: Ohio but driving in California

One hand on latter, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake and mind on game: Seattle

One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating both between both feet being on accelerator and both on brake while throwing a McDonald's bag out the window: Texas city male

One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out window, keeping speed steadily at 70 mph, driving down center of road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on left side of lane: Texas country male

One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show the different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush and rat-tail to keep helmet hair going, both feet on accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with Mother of Pearl inlaid handle in glove compartment: Texas female

Both hands on steering wheel, in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own and another's car: Colorado

One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving a gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with a Texas plate

Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male

Junker driven by someone who previously had an ice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas

Two hands gripping steering wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 mph on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver

CLINTON DEPLOYS VOWELS TO BOSNIA

Cities of Sjlbvdnzv, Grzny to Be First Recipients

Before an emergency joint session of Congress yesterday, President Clinton announced US plans to deploy over 75,000 vowels to the war-torn region of Bosnia. The deployment, the largest of its kind in American history, will provide the region with the critically needed letters A,E,I,O and U, and is hoped to render countless Bosnian names more pronounceable.

"For six years, we have stood by while names like Ygrjvslhv and Tzlynhr and Glrm have been horribly butchered by millions around the world," Clinton said. "Today, the United States must finally stand up and say 'Enough.' It is time the people of Bosnia finally had some vowels in their incomprehensible words. The US is proud to lead the crusade in this noble endeavour."

The deployment, dubbed "Operation Vowel Storm" by the State Department, is set for early next week, with the Adriatic port cities of Sjlbvdnzv and Grzny slated to be the first recipients. Two C-130 transport planes, each carrying over 500 24-count boxes of "E's," will fly from Andrews Air Force Base across the Atlantic and airdrop the letters over the cities.

Citizens of Grzny and Sjlbvdnzv eagerly await the arrival of the vowels. "My God, I do not think we can last another day," Trszg Grzdnjkln, 44, said. "I have six children and none of them has a name that is understandable to me or to anyone else. Mr. Clinton, please send my poor, wretched family just one 'E.' Please."

Said Sjlbvdnzv resident Grg Hmphrs, 67: "With just a few key letters, I could be George Humphries. This is my dream."

.........

The airdrop represents the largest deployment of any letter to a foreign country since 1984. During the summer of that year, the US shipped 92,000 consonants to Ethiopia, providing cities like Ouaouoaua, Eaoiiuae, and Aao with vital, life-giving supplies of L's, S's and T's. The consonant-relief effort failed, however, when vast quantities of the letters were intercepted and hoarded by violent, gun-toting warlords.