Lets go on our travels:

Badly Worded Signs

BADLY WORDED SIGNS

• Outside a jeweller's shop:
  Ears pierced while you wait
• Outside an electrical store:
  Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!
• Sign in a laundromat:
  Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out
• In a dress shop window:
  Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
• Sign in a London department store:
  Bargain basement upstairs
• In an office:
  Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken
• Outside a farm:
  Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag, 20p do-it-yourself
• In the window of a dry cleaner's:
  Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
• Road sign:
  Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries
• At the zoo:
  Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns give them to the keeper on duty.
• In an office:
  After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board
• On a church door:
  'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.' (This door is kept locked because of the draught. Please use side door.)
• Outside a furniture shop:
  Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
• Sign in a German cafe:
  Mothers, please wash your hans before eating
• Outside a secondhand shop:
  We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
• In a grocery shop:
  Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
• In a Chinese restaurant:
  If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not satisfactory please tell the waiter
• Outside a farm:
  Cattle please close gate
• Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
  The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow
• Outside a photographer's studio:
  Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
• Sign on a farm gate:
  Dogs found worrying will be shot
• In a restaurant:
  Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager
• Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
  Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
• Outside a smart shop:
  No children aloud
• Seen outside a travel agency:
  Why don't you go away?
• Notice in a pet shop:
  Birds going cheep!
• Outside a disco:
  Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
• Sign in a picture shop:
  Let us put you in the picture and frame you
• In an electrical shop:
  Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it for you
• Sign at a garden fete:
  Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
• In a cafe window:
  Waitresses required for breakfast
• Found in a butcher's shop:
  These scales are accurate no two weighs about it
• Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
  You can always count on us
• Notice in restaurant:
  Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals
• Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
  Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New York with three Santas
• Seen at an American undertaker's:
  Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile
• Notice in a London park:
  No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK
• Seen in a Coventry Factory:
  Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
• Sign warning of quicksand:
  Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council
• Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
  Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order
• Sign in a chemist's shop:
  We dispense with accuracy
• Spotted in a garden centre:
  Up these steps for the sunken garden
• Sign on a newly painted bench:
  Wet paint. Watch it or wear it
• Seen in a watch shop:
  Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
• Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
  Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
• Road sign:
  Steeple Bumstead:
  Left 3 miles, Right 3 miles, Straight ahead 3 miles
• Sign outside pet shop:
  No dogs allowed
• Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
  Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of
• Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
  Hot and cold running in all rooms
• Notice in Keighley restaurant:
  From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve customers to the vegetables
• Seen outside a fire station:
  Fire Station - No Smoking
• Notice on Norfolk village shop:
  Half-day closing all day Wednesday
• Sign in London pizza parlour:
  Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
• Seen outside dancing academy:
  Please mind the steps
• Sign on motorway garage:
  Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is
• Notice in health food shop window:
  Closed due to illness
• Spotted in a safari park:
  Elephants please stay in your car
• Circus poster:
  Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the World. In town all weak
• Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
  The last world war. Where and when will it be fought? St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February at 7:00 p.m.
• Seen during a conference:
  For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor
• Sign in a tea shop:
  Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00
• Spotted in a golf club:
  Golfers please do not drink and drive
• Seen in a college:
  This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish
• Notice in hairdresser's window:
  Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
• Notice in a field:
  The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges
• Sign at the tennis club:
  Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players raise a racquet
• Spotted at the railway station:
  Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us to uncross them again
• Notice at the zoo:
  Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
• Message on a leaflet:
  If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
• Sign on a repair shop door:
  We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)
• Sign in office block:
  Lift out of order. Please use elevator
• Traffic sign:
  Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
• Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
  Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left
• Notice in church hall:
  Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed by a light lunch
• Sign spoted in farmyard:
  Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket
• Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
  Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
• Sign in a Japanese hotel:
  Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers
• Sign in Swiss hotel:
  Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
• Sign in Italian hotel:
  Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see manager
• Sign in Australian hotel:
  In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter
• Sign in French hotel:
  In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down the corridor to warn the chambermaid
• Sign outside a French cafe:
  Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without consuming
• Sign in Egyptian hotel:
  If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room service!'.