Lets go on our travels: BADLY WORDED SIGNS
Ears pierced while you wait
Why go elsewhere to be cheated when you can come in here!
Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when
the light goes out
Don't stand outside and faint - come in and have a fit
Bargain basement upstairs
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it
back or further steps will be taken
Horse manure: 50p per pre-packed bag,
20p do-it-yourself
Same day dry cleaning - all garments ready in 48 hours
Turn right for the Fairy Glen. Beware of heavy lorries
Please do not feed the elephants. If you have any peanuts or buns
give them to the keeper on duty.
After teabreak staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down
on the draining board
'This is the gate of Heaven. Enter Ye all by this door.'
(This door is kept locked because of the draught.
Please use side door.)
Our motto: We promise you the lowest prices and workmanship
Mothers, please wash your hans before eating
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not
bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?
Try our local butter. Nobody can touch it
If you are satisfactory please tell your friends. If you are not
satisfactory please tell the waiter
Cattle please close gate
The town hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after
being opened. Open tomorrow
Out to lunch: if not back by five, out for dinner also
Dogs found worrying will be shot
Customers who find our waiting staff rude should see the manager
Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.
No children aloud
Why don't you go away?
Birds going cheep!
Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome
Let us put you in the picture and frame you
Why smash your plates washing up? Let one of our dishwashers do it
for you
Baby show. All entries to be handed in at the gate
Waitresses required for breakfast
These scales are accurate no two weighs about it
You can always count on us
Our cutlery is not medicine so please do not take it after meals
Visit Santa's grotto. No waiting - we're the only store in New
York with three Santas
Oscar's Funeral Parlour - where you'll always find a smile
No walking, sitting or playing on the grass in this pleasure parK
Any member of staff who needs to take the day off to go to a
funeral must warn the foreman on the morning of the match
Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned.
By order of the District Council
Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must
ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their
best to keep them in order
We dispense with accuracy
Up these steps for the sunken garden
Wet paint. Watch it or wear it
Please wait patiently to be served. I only have two hands
Repairs and alterations done here. Dying arranged
Steeple Bumstead:
Left 3 miles, Right 3 miles, Straight ahead 3 miles
No dogs allowed
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be
disposed of
Hot and cold running in all rooms
From Monday our catering assistants will be pleased to serve
customers to the vegetables
Fire Station - No Smoking
Half-day closing all day Wednesday
Open 24 hours - except 2 a.m. - 8 a.m.
Please mind the steps
Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be
worth much but our petrol is
Closed due to illness
Elephants please stay in your car
Biffo Brothers' Circus, featuring Marvo, the Strongest Man in the
World. In town all weak
The last world war. Where and when will it be fought?
St. Margaret's, Hartford Street on Tuesday 22nd February
at 7:00 p.m.
For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day
care on the first floor
Today's special. Pot of tea with stones and jam, 1.00
Golfers please do not drink and drive
This week's lecture: Underwater Life by Peter Fish
Stylist wanted. Good pay and fringe benefits
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges
Would spectators please be quiet during matches and let the players
raise a racquet
Passengers are asked not to cross the lines - it takes ages for us
to uncross them again
Children found straying will be sent to the lion enclosure
If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons
We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell
doesn't work)
Lift out of order. Please use elevator
Parking restricted to 60 minutes in any hour
Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just
left
Electrical specialist will be here on Thursday morning to show
parishioners how to wire plugs and make small repairs. Followed
by a light lunch
Manure for sale. Bring your own bucket
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below
Sports jackets may be worn but no trousers
Do you wish to change in Zurich? Do so at the hotel bank!
Do not adjust yor light hanger. If you wish more light see
manager
In case of fire please do your utmost to alarm the hall porter
In the event of fire the visitor, avoiding panic, is to walk down
the corridor to warn the chambermaid
Persons are requested not to occupy seats in this cafe without
consuming
If you require room service, please open door and shout, `room
service!'.
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