Lets go on our travels:

Driving In Germany
Badly Worded Ads
The French Solve The Millennium 2000 Problem

DRIVING IN GERMANY

Be prepared:

INDICATORS - Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

BONNET - Pullnob und Knucklechoppen

EXHAUST - Spitzenpoppenhangentuben

SPEEDOMETER - Der Egobooster und Linenshooter

CLUTCH - Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken

PUNCTURE - Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken

LEARNER - Die Twatten mit Elplate

ESTATE CAR - Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute

PARKING METER - Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr

WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder

POWER BRAKES - Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick

GEAR LEVER - Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen

FUEL GAUGE - Der Walletemptyung Meter

BREATHALYSER - Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen

REAR VIEW MIRROR - Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan

SEAT BELT - Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper

HEADLIGHTS - Das Dippendontdazzelubasted

EXHAUST FUMES - Die Koffundschplitterpoluter

HIGHWAY CODE - Der Wipen fur Arsen

FOG WARNING - Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt

TRAFFIC JAM - Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast

REAR SEAT - Der Schpringentester

TYRES - Flatfahrts

BACKFIRE - Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen

JUGGERNAUT - Der Fukkengratt Trukken

ACCIDENT - Das Bleedinkmess

NEAR ACCIDENT - Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen

GARAGE - Der Hieway Robberung

CYCLIST - Der Peddallpushink Pilloken

SKID - Die Bannanen Waltzen

DOUBLE WHITE LINES - Overtaken und Krunchen

BADLY WORDED ADS

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

FRENCH SOLVE THE MILLENNIUM 2000 PROBLEM

The French Ministry of Informatics today announced that they have determined that French computer systems will not be affected by the year 2000 problem. An extensive series of tests have been run on a wide range of applications within the country and on no system has a Millennium 2000 problem been apparent.

A spokesman put this good fortune down to a side-effect of the French number system. In this system the number eighty is represented by the composite "quatre vingts" -- literally "four twenties." French computer systems represent the "quatre" as a single digit and will harmlessly roll over to "cinq vingts" or "five twenties" while the rest of the world collapses. Thus, "quatre vingts dix neuf" will increment to "cinq vingts."

French speaking areas of Belgium and Switzerland are bemused by these developments, because they still use the older "septant, octant, nonant" system for 70, 80, and 90. The Belgian government is thought to be considering an urgent change in the language. This would provide a major boost for the less prosperous French speaking part of the country when computer systems are relocated to French speaking communes.

Microsoft has announced that it will use similar techniques to guarantee the PCs will not suffer from such problems, by launching a new version of their operating system. "Windows ninety ten" is expected to be available in the year 2002.