Lets go on our travels:

EEC English
Signs And Notices
Euro Time

EEC ENGLISH

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthousiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty per sent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

SIGNS AND NOTICES

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world. You have to give the writers an 'E' for Effort. hope you enjoy them:

In a Tokyo Hotel :- Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby : The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator : Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator : To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator : Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens : Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel : The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel : You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery : You are welcome to visit the cemetary where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers : Not to perambulate the corridors during the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant : Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel : Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop : Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaners : Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop : Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop : Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 150,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest : It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site

that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel : Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist : Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry : Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency : Take one of our horse-driven city tours We guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand : Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn : Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple : It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar : Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office : We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room : If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge : Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo : Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor : Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel : The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop : Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner : Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo : When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigour.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance : English well speaking and Here speeching American

EURO TIME

As you know by now, in June 1997 we shall all be a single community, with a single business market, and to facilitate the most productive and efficient use of working hours within the EU, plans are now well under way to implement the decimalisation of time. The old imperial system of 60 seconds to a minute, 24 hours to a day and 7 days to an imperial week is riddied with inconsistencies and is naturally therefore confusing and in urgent need of reform.

The new system, to come into effect on June 1 st 1997, is to be called 'Eurotime' and will offer a vastly simplified 'decimalised' time programme, with 10 Euroseconds to the Eurominute, 10 Eurominutes to the Eurohour, 10 Eurohours to one Euroday and 10 Eurodays to one Euroweek. Further to this, there will be 10 Euroweeks to one Euromonth and ten Euromonths to one Euroyear. Decades will remain unchanged.

As the new Euroyear will be composed of ten as opposed to twelve months, it is proposed that the months be completely standardised and renamed in honour of the longest serving members of the European Parliament.

While converting to the new time system, you will be able to easily reckon the Eurotime equivalent of any imperial time by simply multiplying the number by 12.374 and then dividing the result by 4.42 and subtracting 7.

A full brochure and handy reckoning table, will be sent to your property closer to the time of conversion. In the meantime, if your joint income is below ECU 3,000 per annum, you may qualify for a grant to convert your household to Eurotime, and should apply now care of your local M.E.P

The distribution of announcements by electronic means is a new venture for the Bureau of Administration and Planning, please help by forwarding this letter to anyone you know with an electronic mail address. Thank you.