Lets get on with more Women: Women's Secret Language WOMEN'S SECRET LANGUAGE The most widely used language in the world has neither name nor
dictionary. It crosses the bounds of all known dialects. I have discovered
that all women of all ages are able to speak it, and am revealing what
little I know of it to menfolk everywhere. This secret language is a strange combination of words, intonations,
faint eyebrow-lifting and well-placed pauses by which women can even
exchange insults in such a manner that the male thinks they are
complimenting each other. They can make the male believe that a woman they
are discussing is their bosom friend, when in reality, they're ripping her
to shreds. It's also useful to them in awkward social situations. For example, the
hostess decides that it's time for y'all to go home. Maybe the hostess
will say "Can't I give you just one more drink (pause) before (pause)
you go." The man of course is ready to state his preference for
drinks, the woman knows it's past time to leave. It was the pauses, placed
exactly right that did it. In this same vein, the pause is the key to saying "no way".
When Mrs. Jones telephones Mrs. Smith to say that her four spinster
cousins have just arrived from Medicine Hat, North Dakota and that she'd
like to bring them to the cocktail party, Mrs. Smith doesn't have to say "over
my dead body sister". All she does is say "Oh ! (pause) yes,
bring them (pause) by all means." With the careful use of both pauses
and inflection, that lets Mrs. Jones know that unless she never wants
another invitation in her lifetime, she'd better get the cousins a bottle
of blackberry cordial and leave them at home. Another technique which men most often miss is the reverse meaning
statement. How many men have had to sleep on the couch after believing his
wife really meant "I don't want a thing for my birthday." This
gentlemen is her ancient mother tongue whether spoken in English or Hindu.
What it really means is: "I haven't seen you trying to sneak in any
packages. Don't you dare forget my birthday." See ??? And all you men, you thought that when one woman said to
another, "Oh, dear heart..." she was being sweet and motherly,
when in effect she's saying "My God... are you really that stupid
woman ?" Beware too of believing any woman who carefully chooses her words. For
example, one woman telling another "Oh (pause) don't you look sweet"
means about the same thing as asking her if she shopped at the Thrift Shop
for her outfit. The same is true when one woman has just been shown up by another, or
been caught in a mistake or social faux pas. She will reply something to
the effect: "Oh (pause) my goodness. Aren't you just too much ? Why
poor lil' ole me, I never would have thought of that." And to make it even more confusing to us poor males, the tone changes
the meaning of any word at all. Take the simple statement: "I think
she's very nice." Now let's compound the problem and have the same woman raise her left
eybrow as she sez "I think she's very nice." This means that the
woman being discussed has been sleeping with all of the husbands of the
women listening. The rule seems to be all women participating must never let the male
know or even suspect what's going on. Thus, no woman would ever reply to
an insult to her outfit with anything but "Why I think your dress is
very nice too. If fact, my maiden Aunt had one just like it." While this hidden language does make things complicated for the female,
it has many obvious advantages. But men, if you think you'd like to learn
it, I can only suggest that you take up Sanskrit instead. You'd find it
much easier to learn. SEMINARS FOR FEMALES Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled "Honey, Do I Look
Fat?") Elementary Map Reading Crying and Law Enforcement Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast The Seven-Outfit Week PMS:It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine ("It's Happened Monthly Since
Puberty: Deal With it") Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmission Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament Telephone Translations (formerly titled "Me Too Equals I Love You")
How to Earn Your Own Money Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics
Good") Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET'S LET IT DROP MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple's Public Arguments Yes, You Can Fill Up With Your Own Petrol Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock")
To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"
Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
Seminars For Females
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