Quotes From Women
A Female Santa

QUOTES FROM WOMEN

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy - Erica Jong

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives - Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty six hours - Rita Rudner

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde - Dolly Parton

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog - Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth - Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them - Sue Grafton

I think-therefore I'm single - Lizz Winstead

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on - Roseanne Barr

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country - Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman - Maryann Person

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch - Gilda Radner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman - Margaret Thatcher

Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry - Gloria Steinhem

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career - Gloria Steinhem

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night - Marie Corelli

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths - Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? - Linda Ellerbee

A FEMALE SANTA

There is absolutely NO way Santa is female. Here's why:

First, Christmas would be late every year. The line at the department store would never move because Santa would feel the need to 'bond' with every kid that sat on her lap. The elves would never get any toys made because they'd be too busy telling her, "No Santa, those red pants do not make your butt look fat." Also, Christmas comes at the end of the month but I have never heard the REAL Santa complain about cramps or feeling all bloaty.

What woman would be even caught dead in a chimney? Gosh, she might break a nail in there. And what about Santa's beard? I'm sure you'll agree that most women look significantly better without facial hair (unless they're total schnauzers).

If Santa was female, she sure wouldn't have white hair. She'd be down at the North Pole Super-X every other day buying a gallon of 'Clairol Brunette # whatever'. Plus, women don't smoke pipes. Also, the sleigh and the reindeer are not equipped with an automatic transmission, a cell phone or vanity mirrors. Not to mention, I don't think Mrs. Claus is a lesbian. I also find it hard to believe that a female Santa could whip a reindeer's ass to get it moving. It's a widely-known fact that coochie-coochie talk doesn't work with reindeer.

A female Santa would only bring junk like 'Easy Bake' ovens, Baby 'Puke 'n Crap', and worst of all - CLOTHES - to all the little boys in the world because those items aren't as threatening as the really cool toys like 'Johnny Thermo-nuclear Warhead' or 'Rock-em Sock-em Robots' or 'Creepy Crawlers'. And when you leave a plate of cookies out on the kitchen table on Christmas Eve, Santa judiciously takes a bite from each one to prove he was there. If Santa was a woman, the whole damn box of Snackwells would be devoured and there'd be a sea of empty Ben & Jerry's containers all over the kitchen floor. As far as that red velvet suit is concerned, Mrs Claus withheld sex until Santa agreed to wear it.

And if all that doesn't prove without a doubt that Santa is a guy, consider this verse from the poem: T'was The Night Before Christmas:

"He spoke not a word but went straight to his work..."

If Santa was female, that line would have read:

"She wouldn't shut up, so Christmas was postponed indefinitely..."