Lets get on with more Women:

Politically Correct References To Women
Things Every Woman Should Know

POLITICALLY CORRECT REFERENCES TO WOMEN

She is not:

A BAD COOK

She is:

MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE

She is not:

A BAD DRIVER

She is:

AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED

She does not have:

A KILLER BODY

She is:

TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE

She is not a:

PERFECT 10

She is:

NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR

She is not:

EASY

She is:

HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE

She does not:

HATE SPORTS ON TV

She is:

ATHLETICALLY BIASED

She does not have:

SEXY LIPS

She is:

COLLAGEN DEPENDENT

She does not get:

DRUNK

She is:

ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED

You do not ask her:

TO DANCE

You request a:

PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE

She is not:

A GOSSIP

She is a:

VERBAL TERMINATOR

She does not:

WORK OUT TOO MUCH

She is an:

ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER

She is not:

HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS

She is:

MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED

She is not:

COLD OR FRIGID

She is:

THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE

She does not:

WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP

She is:

COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED

She does not have:

GREAT CLEAVAGE

Her breasts are:

CENTRALLY LOCATED

She does not have:

A GREAT BUTT

She is:

GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS

She will never:

GAIN WEIGHT

She will become:

A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER

She is not:

A SCREAMER OR MOANER

She is:

VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE

She does not:

SHAVE HER LEGS

She experiences:

TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION

She does not have:

A HARD BODY

She is:

ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE

She does not:

SUN BATHE

She experiences:

SOLAR ENHANCEMENT

Her breast will never:

SAG

They will:

LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD

She does not:

SHOP TOO MUCH

She is:

OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS

She does not:

CUT YOU OFF

She becomes:

HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE

She does not:

GET PMS

She becomes:

HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL

She does not have:

BIG HAIR

She is:

OVERLY AEROSOLED

She does not:

SNORE

She is:

NASALLY REPETITIVE

She does not:

GET DRUNK

She becomes:

VERBALLY DYSLEXIC

She does not have:

BIG HOOTERS

Her:

CUPS RUNNETH OVER

She is not:

TOO SKINNY

She is:

SKELETALLY PROMINENT

THINGS EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW

• It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet UP when you are done.

• If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

• Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.

• Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

• Shopping is not fascinating.

• When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking. Unless the answer is yes. In which case, can he videotape it?

• If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

• The man is ALWAYS in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

• Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

• Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

• Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

• Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

• He heard you the first time.

• You know, you can ask him out too. Let's spread the rejection around a little.

• If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.

• Of course he wants another beer.

• The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.

• Dogs good. Cats bad.

• Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.

• If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall," you have to sit through "Showgirls".

• "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

• Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

• He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay... maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy...

• There is nothing inherently wrong with the word "cunt."

• He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.

• And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

• Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

• If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.

• It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

• Remember, that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

• Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.

• Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

• Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.

• Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

• His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

• Don't hog the covers.

• Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.

• He does not just want to be friends.

• A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence, "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

• Don't demand a precise time when he'll call.

• Bitching is not sexy.

• Ditto for nagging.

• If you're always right, stop asking his opinion.

• Two words: turn signal.

• An "I don't know, what do you want to do?" is not an acceptable answer to every question.

• Never bring home a cat as a surprise.

• Don't even bother touching the remote, just tell him what you want to see.

• Televised sports are more important than stories about your friends.

• Despite what you think, sometimes he is happier left alone.

• Believe it or not, he could care less how he looks when he's drunk.

• If you don't love him, keep having sex with him as long as you are spending his money.

• "No" means no, and "Yes" means yes. Silence means he can't get a word in edgewise.

• SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour. This is a great time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

• Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact, constitute going out to dinner.

• Unlike you, he essentially want to dress just exactly like all his friends. Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J. Crew or the local Patagonia store.

• If he sees you in the morning and at night, why call him at work?

• Butthead is the smart one.

• Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

• You probably don't want to know what he is thinking about.

• Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us" and "the relationship".

• Things you can help with: the Sunday crossword, yard work, the dishes, cleaning, and grocery shopping.

• Things you should let him do alone: figuring out where you are, watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking out the beer.

• Socks never constitute a gift.

• Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby for him to look at.

• He doesn't know anything about handbags. Don't even ask.

• He did water the plants. They died anyway. Nobody knows why this happens.

• Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

• Curley is the bald one.

• Compromise does not mean that he should abandon his position in favor of yours.

• Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan. Just accept that.

• It's in neither your interest nor his to take the Quiz together.

• Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chris Farley, don't expect him to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

• Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome. Three hours of post-coital conversation is not.

• Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present. Two tickets to a ball game are even better.

• No, you can't have the remote control.

• If you must take him with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever leave him alone. All the old fat ladies make mean faces at him and only add to his discomfort.

• Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

• Check your oil.

• Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.

• Share the closet.

• Share the bathroom.

• No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries clearly on the calendar.

• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

• Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to like it.

• You have enough clothes.

• You have too many shoes.

• Don't cut your hair. Ever.

• Don't make him guess.

• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

• He's never thinking about "The Relationship."

• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

• Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

• Anything you wear is fine. Really.