Conspiracy

NEW! NEW! "ALIEN's STOLE MY DAVID!"

SHOCKER!

03/11/99

 " Oh, sweet jesus!" was heard echoeing through the small town of Cernusco sul Naviglio when this picture was taken ( not edited) in the hull garden. This strikingly horrific incident involved David ( of the Hull variety) being beamed aboard an alien spaceship.

 David was later found in some near by bushes with a strange ache in his ass. An anal probe was the educated guess.

 ThEY ARE HERE!

Report END

NEW! NEW! PICTURES RECEIVED

26/05/99

Highly authentic. Not edited and those are not strings.

FROM: Vladimir Omit

ALIEN EGGS RECOVERED: AGENT DERMONT ICKHEAD

14/05/99

Early this morning we received a large plastic bag containing the suspected "ALIEN EGGS", posted through secret air mail by Dermont Ickhead.

His fax read:

DERMONT@location.southern region.toilet:

Today I recieved a tip off from my close associate Po007, whose wife just happens to be Felicity Atarse, anyway he said:

From tape number xxwwe45: "Hello Dermont that gay party was pretty wild what did you do with that banana I.......( censored by government, honest! )....if you delve down I think you will find them quite interesting. They have a weird texture and a quite grotesque smell, handle them with care who knows when they're gonna hatch. Later honey ( censored ).

The identity of this man is a secret, but should you wish to have more information on him you can write to his home address:

Burnard Ottom a.k.a. Po007

Dodgy Road,

Wales

CH5 67T

In the early hours of Sunday morning I broke into the holding house and found the toilet facility where the perps were holding the eggs for storage. The eggs were in the toilet bowl, NOTE>>> perhaps the eggs need a wet habitat to survive?<<<

Some of the membrane fluid appeared to have leaked out of the lower egg as the water had a brownish tinge to it, suggeting they had been here some time. The smell was truely repulsive and I used my state of the art HARPIC AIR FRESHNER 2000 to solve the situation.

The eggs wre somewhat slippery and I had to be quick to seal them into a large asda shopping bag. I didn't have long to analyse the eggs but this secret photograph from my source who I shall refer to as Betty Swollocks, may be of use.

Subject: Jeremy Alien

Over and out>>>

TOP SECRET INFORMATION: FROM ET

15/02/99

Late last night our intrepid reporter, risking life and credibility, slipped through "top secret alien research base" gates (later found to be Maggie's Chippie) and then sent us the following report:

12:00AM - The aliens are close, I can smell their last meal, clinging to the air not unlike the smell of chips... Hmmm... what foulness has been unfolding here? Using advanced cloning techniques, they seem to have accurately mimicked the form of the common chip. Their leader (cunningly disguised as a battered cod) seems to be resting in a vat of frying grease, quietly sizzling in his alien language.

12:35AM - Hmmm... what a tantalising aroma meets me...

12:37AM - Soooo hungrrryyy!!

12:38AM - I feel I am losing control. Must not let.. arrgghhhh!!

12:39AM - I have seen the light. We must obey our chips, and scorn our current leaders and families.

12:40AM - Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Daddy and government or chips? Chips.

Report filed by BOBERT.