Copyright Ian Pearson, BT Futurologist

Click here for contact details, other articles and personal details

Indian takeaway over broadband

Teleportation may seem the stuff of Star Trek, but it is now years since the first individual atom was teleported. Since then, quantum engineers at BTexact's Laboratories in Adastral Park, near Ipswich, have been working hard to solve the problem of transmitting bulk matter, which contains huge numbers of atoms. BTexact's futurologist Ian Pearson explains. Using a combination of broadband networks and advanced compression techniques, they have managed to get to the point where some simple everyday objects can now be teleported. Quick to realise the real potential of the development, they point out that an entire takeaway meal van now be delivered over this new broadband system, and they are working with an Indian takeaway chain to bring this to the market within months. A device that looks rather like a microwave scans the meal and sends the quantum information about the takaway across the network to recreate it in a similar device at the far end. The technical problem is formidable. According to Pearson, a typical takeaway contains about 100 trillion trillion atoms, which would previously have taken about 16 million years to transmit across a network, at one terabit per second. The engineers have solved this by recognising that there are only a few thousand different kinds of molecules even in the most sophisticated takeaway. By transmitting just one of each type and using a molecular replicator at the other end (like an advanced printer), all that is needed then is to measure and transmit the layouts and positions of the molecular clusters. Nature conveniently arranges molecules in fairly standard ways, so there is huge scope for compression of the signal, reducing the transmit time to just 10 minutes across a standard broadband channel. As Pearson points out, a piece of lamb is pretty much like any other piece once it is covered in a vindaloo sauce. In fact, he says, Indian takeaways actually benefit from the old problem of Heisenberg's Uncertainty principle, which has dogged teleportation engineers until now. The molecules in the curry are left in a state of quantum uncertainty until the customer takes a bite and samples the taste. It is this act of measurement that collapses the quantum state and it is only then that the real taste of the curry is determined. With practice, people can control the taste of the curry just by thinking about it, guaranteeing that you will never have a bad takeaway again. The engineers have even built in a safeguard against people recording and replaying the information to get free curries. The signal from the takeaway will be quantum encrypted, and if intercepted before ther taste buds collapse the quantum stte, will result in a fowl tasting substance that closely resembles mud. The new service will be called Rolo Plafir, after the engineer who invented the compression system. Existing broadband customers would just need to buy the receiver device, which will cost around £300, with the first curry downloaded each month for free.

In the very unlikely case that you have taken any of this seriously, let me point out that this was written as an April Fool joke a couple of years ago, and is pure fiction.