Jupiter's Moon
Human Interest Stories
for Uncaring
Homes
Blair Announces New Death
by Martin Felchester, Downing St.
Death is to be privatised, the Prime Minister announced today. Old Death was inefficient and divisive. Under the new system, Heaven and Hell would be competing for customers so it was up to Hell to clean up its act.
Full story, Page 12
Librarian Finds Fudge in Trollope
Full story inside
by Ashram Singh, Delhi
When a sheet of plate glass slid off a crane in a freak accident, unfortunate Mrs Jeera Ahmed happened to be passing underneath. Although she was instantly sliced in two, witnesses say she continued living for approximately three minutes. Yet her final moments were not sad. Peering into a cross section of her own abdomen, she was delighted to discover the unmistakable signs of an aubergine she had eaten for her supper the night before.
"Brinjal!" she cried, "Brinjal!" which means "Aubergine!"
Dangerous Shade of Purple Escapes
by Angus McLavatry, Fort William
Professional Flute Drunks in an illegal Soot Parlour near Wilder Ness have made sworn statements in which they accuse the local Gas Board of unleashing a forbidden shade of purple into the Scottish Highlands.
Said Hamish Fecktrill, 61, "I recognized it at once. I was brought up in a house with only paint charts for company. I know those old forbidden colours like the end of my varicose nose. That was Heather Glans which was banned in 1974 for being too reckless. And there it was spread all over a bloody big field. It made me hawk, I can tell you!"
His friend Jim Cackrat supported the story but, when asked if he could identify the shade from a paint-chart, he chose "Vermin-Child Pink" on the row above. There is no reason to believe either of them, though it has been rumoured that scientists have been experimenting with breeding forbidden shades in the area.
Pancake Helps Rewrite History
by Hilary Fox-Tailgate, Otawa
Scientists in Canada are claiming that a forty-three year old pancake may contain the secret of existence. Explained 47 year old Doctor Mole Hooper, "This is a breakthrough. Sweat which fell from the face of a woman who made this pancake on Shrove Tuesday, 1958 may have previously belonged to Star Creatures which colonized the valley of the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers at the dawn of civilization"
But scientists at the rival Pervis Institute were sceptical, "We know this guy and he is a Whoppit. I don't know why you are even listening to such a Beaker. Over here in this freezer, we have the core samples taken from the real pancake and I assure you they contain no star creature's sweat. The only anomaly we've been able to find is the larger than expected amount of squirrel jism. In a pancake normally there would be approximately none. But this lady, she liked it. So what?"
Mort Soilpipe, Head Keeper of Antiquities at the Pancake Study Centre in Lebanon, denied that the pancake had been confiscated when colleagues discovered he had tied a string to it and was using it as a kite. "That's crap. It was flying. All I did was attach a string to its foot. Well first I had to make it a foot . . ."
by Pru Twigg, Washington
In a startling move, the Disabled Charity FROTT announced it was planning to take out a class action against God. Spokeswoman Daisy Prayerwheel admitted that their chances of obtaining a conviction were small but she insisted it was not merely a stunt,
"He owes us", she insisted, "And he should pay up. We are naming and shaming. If he has any shame he will turn up to defend himself. Look at my lung there - was that a fit thing to send me into the world with?"
She shook the jar in which her diseased Left Lung had steeped in formaldehyde since 1983 . . .
Devil Children Discovered in Tennis Ball
by Pussy Mercator
When retired bastard Ted Fingerrod heard sounds coming out a tennis ball, he thought he was going mad. Fortunately, he had the sense to cut open the ball and liberate six tiny devil children who were imprisoned within.
"One thing still puzzles me", Ted admitted, "Who put them there?"
Housewife finds Dead King in Laundry Basket
by Bert Fegg, Glans Ridge
Kirsty Greycommon has found odd things in her laundry basket in the past, loose reels of Von Stroheim, rickets and chocolate communion wafers but she was not prepared for what she discovered on Friday night.
"I had just come home from work and was looking forward to depilating my cat, Thomas. All of a sudden there was a sort of moan from beside the washer and I don't know what it was, I immediately knew it a King of some kind. I didn't dare to hope that it would be my third best favourite King of all time, Rudolph the Second of Bohemia!"
Kirsty proudly showed our reporter a stain on a bedspread where the rotting old King had lain for four hundred and thirty two years. Elsewhere in the house there were similar stains but they had been made by Thomas, in anticipation of his depilation session.
We put it to her that actually she was a mad woman who had been drnking Jeyes Fluid since the age of eight. But Kirsty insisted that we should not believe things, just because the germs in her toilet said them. Who knows where the truth lies in this difficult case?
The Czech Embassy, asked to comment said "This is an old story. King Rudolph the Second is always being found somewhere or other. He is a very peripatetic old monarch indeed. We keep an open mind on these things but no we don't believe them, that would be stupid."
from Rooters
Time was detained for a second occasion last week, when Maoist insurrectionists in North Korea tried to stop eleven-o-clock from passing over the border into South Korea. A serious diplomatic incident was prevented by the intervention of the Norwegian ambassador as an honest broker. Making a concession to the rebels, Magnus Vermholme allowed them to pretend that they had captured eleven-o-clock in a sieve, while Government Officers surrounded them and shot them in the legs.
The entire incident was witnessed by Pam Su Twok, whose entire family had been exterminated twice by journalists in a badly researched article. Miss Pam said, "Normally I will not talk to journalists because they kill me after. But you I like. You are nice man who dance on my grave, maybe, for luck. Yes I saw rebels and they had the eleven-o-clock in old sieve. They threaten everyone with it till they get bored and walk away. I was one of them. Yes I was lucky. We go to grave now? I know American song." Only she didn't so we didn't do the dance.
Magnus Vermholme commented, "It is a pity. That woman was a labour unit in a country that is mainly poor. She could have had a poor life if she had persevered. Her family will not speak to her and she has been ostracized especially now that she is dead. I have a large home and many servants but you can't see them, because they are imaginary. Out here we like the English World Service because we can trust it to lie the correct way. If you are homosexually inclined, I can recommend a rinsing-house where they do the full Rupert for ninepence. You English you prefer Bedknobs and Broomsticks but I am Norwegian so we like to see the horses electrocuted. My plane is ready. Byebye now".
House of Lords Votes to Retain Urine
by Reg Prepuce, Westminster
In an all night sitting, Peers voted to be allowed to keep their hereditary right to retain urine.
Lord Feltchman of Bumchester immediately declared he would never again allow urine to trickle from him
"Above all, this is a triumph for power", he said, "The power to grow ever bigger and ever stronger".
But Lord Prule of the Mountsock in a powerful contribution to the debate, warned the house that they were on the verge of making a disastrous decision, "Vote for this bill, my Lords and you are voting against nature".
Lord Arrowroot rose from the Government benches and growled threateningly for three quarters of an hour. Nobody knew what he said but it appeared to revive the flagging spirits of his own side.
Around four in the morning, Lord Bumchester summed up by saying that voting for the bill was a step along the path of abolishing urine altogether. "We must go forward together but never, ever, ever to the urinals again". There was cheering as the house went to the division.
Book Costs Child's Eye
by Buttcheek Geeble in USA
School Chiefs were counting the cost yesterday when hit by a bill for $45,000,000, after losing a court-case in which teacher Jessie Shrike was found guilty of mumbling. Shrike's employers face the record payout because she failed to pronounce the title of the class reading book clearly enough.
Lorna Poon, 14, fat with freckles, misheard her 36-year-old high-school teacher, "I thought she said "Scratch her in the eye" so I turned to Barbra and put my pen in her face. How was I to know it was some dumb-ass reading book, I'm a m************ retard?"
Miss Shrike refused to comment after the hearing but
friends said later that she intended to kill a few people so
they would remember her name.
Welsh Poet Finds Mouse in Pyjamas
by Diggory Batt, Rhyll
Celebrated inebriate poet Madog Onion surprised the audience at the Bardic Dinner in Rhyll on Wednesday mainly by turning up at all, secondly by turning up on the right day, thirdly by turing up at the right time. The only trouble was that he had not been invited and no one liked him.
"It was a bit if a misunderstanding", said Chairman Barry Gutter, 58, "We don't like Madog. He is a bit of a character, see, and inclined to vomit on ladies. He is unfortunately too drunk to know how hated he is. Last year a few of the lads tried to have him towed out to sea in a Bardic re-enactment of Turner's Fighting Temarare and though we burned his face with a firework, he just would not sink. I think he is an accursed man".
At his home in a tree outside Mold, the 48 year old poet said "Bugger off! I've had a mouse in my pyjamas all night so I'm in no mood to talk to the press". Later the RSPCA moved in with sticks to rescue the mouse but Madog had the last laugh because it was just a matted clump of pubic hair. Police say they may press charges against him for exposing himself.
"Some people think he is just a joke but Madog Onion is a public menace. There are people in this town who think that poetry is too rich a use of language for a man who lives on spit mainly. I will be watching carefully to make sure that his tongue is cauterized if he tries any of his satires in this area again".
False Child Gives Hope to Barren Couples
But not to a girl called Janet
from ASPIC
Thwarted mums and dads are begging to be first in line to try out the False Child which has been developed by scientists in York. Ample Janet Sweatham is nearly 22 and has been trying desparately for a child since the age of three.
"At first I used to try to suckle fish, because I had seen it done in certain heretical drawings. Then I adopted a kestrel and it nearly ripped my jugs off. I was so desparate for a baby that I would knock boys' teeth out to stop them biting. Now I have been in this queue for the False Baby trial. I would really love to see it as I am told it has quite a big face and nice gums"
Doctor Hillary Guntrap said it was heartbreaking to have to make a choice from so many dismal candidates.
"Some of these people can't even run when you shoot them", she said, "What chance have they got to protect a false baby? We have been working on this project since 1933 and to tell the truth we are bored with it."
