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1: My email
will open with:
-
A: I thought you might be
interested to know that I have just had a paper published in a respected
peer reviewed journal.
-
B: I thought you might be
interested to know that I have just had a paper accepted by a respected
peer reviewed journal.
-
C: I thought you might be
interested to know that I have just peed on a respected journalist.
 2: I believe
that:
-
A: The General Theory
of Relativity, and the subsequent experimental evidence, is worth
considering when examining aspects of the Special Theory.
-
B: I have found
something missed by all of the Nobel Prize winning physicists.
-
C: For every drop of
rain that falls, a flower grows.
-
D: C and E
-
E: B, D, B and E. Or F
(Hint: It’s B. Just circle B.
Or E.)
3: I have
sent you my idea (also known as The Truth). Choose all of the following:
-
A: I have found
inconsistencies in Einstein’s relativity, and I bet THAT
surprised you when you opened my email!
-
B: I expect that you
will be so stunned by my email that you won't really understand it at
first.
-
C: When I get my Nobel
Prize mighty will be my vengeance on those who mocked.
-
E: I didn’t bother
reading this page before sending you my ill-conceived thoughts.
-
F: If I had I would
have also told you that the letter sequence of this question is wrong.
4: Following
on from Question 2, I further believe (choose B or C):
-
A: Science moves in
incremental steps, changing only when a model is experimentally or
evidentially shown to be better than the previous one. Such models never
claim to be complete.
-
B: Physicists think
they’ve got all the answers (and so, thinking about it now, I can’t
quite understand why they continue to do any of that science stuff,
given what I’ve just said.).
-
C: In miracles (where
you from? You sexy thang, sexy thang you).
A physicist on being told the devastating
news.
5: From the
options below choose B, C or D. I have:
-
A: A fully consistent
mathematical model that not only explains and expands on all of the
observed phenomena but also contains inherent and explicit avenues for
verifiable experimentation.
-
B: No real idea of
what a scientific model is, but that’s not going to stop me. Oh dear me
no.
-
C: Asked so many
rhetorical questions that I MUST be on to something!
-
D: An exclamation mark
key on my keyboard that sticks!!1!one!!
6: I know I
don’t have much, or indeed any training as a physicist, but:
-
A: I, personally, am
utterly convinced by what I’ve worked out, and it’s the thought that
counts.
-
B: I have just
completed my Magnus Opus, and thank the gods for my muse is spent.
-
C: Wasn’t Einstein
himself unqualified/bad at school/a patient clerk/an amazing ukulele
player?
-
D: Galileo was also
persecuted by physicists. Or was it the church? Anyway, I’m just like
him.
7: I am a
fine example of:
8: Choose
all that apply: Hey! I bet you’ve never thought of this:
-
A: Einstein’s
relativity is only a theory, but what I’ve thought up, after thinking
about it a bit and despite all of the experimental evidence, is fact!
-
B: My lack of training
and accomplishment in this field makes me an expert. It’s the same way
that I’m an expert pilot because I know that paramilitary groups have
wings.
-
C: If you champion my
cause you will receive a small footnote acknowledgement in the book I am
busily colouring in.
Examining the shocking and groundbreaking
work.
9: I fully
expect, demand in fact, that:
-
A: You agree that I
have proved Einstein wrong!!!!!! (The number of exclamation marks only
serves to prove my point!!!!!)
-
B: People, people
everywhere, be it on the Earth, the Moon or the Sun, think, deeply,
about what I’ve said. Really. Think about it. Deeply.
-
C: My idea is named
after me (my real name, and not the name I’ve made up
to protect me from Them).
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D: Although I haven’t
actually specified what you should say or do, the implications and are
clear. Those are my demands. Oh yes.
10: If
Einstein was alive today, he:
-
A: Would see my work
and realise his foolish mistake. Boy, would HIS face be red!
-
B: Say sorry, give me
$50 in gift certificates and the keys to his new wife.
-
C: Be really, really
old. So much for his twin paradox!
11: This
question is for psychics only. Did Einstein secretly:
-
A:
-
B: (but only once and
he never inhaled.)
-
C: (and ended up with
carpet burns when the roller skate came off.)
-
D:
-
E: Know someone with a
name beginning with M. Or S. An auntie perhaps. Begins with T.
Everyone in the lab is stunned by the
findings.
12: Here is
the long-suppressed conspiracy question. Choose all that apply: For over
100 years more than 100,000 physicists around the world have:
-
A: Been so blinded by
the overwhelming experimental evidence that they have missed my point
entirely.
-
B: Not kept an open
mind, while mine has been largely free and uncluttered.
-
≠: Known the truth all
along, but faked all of the millions of experimental results. The
cheats.
-
5: Secretly filmed the
faked Moon landings on Mars.
-
M: Stopped thinking
for themselves on, or some time before, graduation.
-
ü:
Been abducted by Elvis the Alien and implanted with false learning and
stuff.
13: And
finally: “Oh yes, dismiss me and my incongruous diatribe if you like, but
remember”:
-
A: You can’t so easily
dismiss every single website, magazine or TV documentary I’ve so
carefully misunderstood, damn it.
-
B: They once laughed
at Mr Bean.
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