Far From The Madding Crowd
- Cricket Club -
Season 2004:
Aug 29th – Cholsey (away)
– Lost by 114 Runs
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“The ‘Doc’ Is Left Stranded As The Mad
Forget How To Bat”
Sunday August 29th, Cholsey: Cholsey
177-9, FFTMCCC 63-9
There are many beautiful cricket grounds in the world. Ones
with scenic backgrounds encircled by trees with intricate wooden pavilions,
where the casual spectator can look out across a freshly cut pitch and lap up
this very English summer game. And there are grounds such as that found in
Cholsey – miles away from any parking area, windswept, situated on a football
field with clumps of cut grass left strewn about the outfield, and about as
much character as an evening with Nigel Mansell and Michael Owen. Oh, and that
would be to forget about the actual playing strip…. a soft, pudding of a track
which looked like it was prepared by Ermintrude the local Friesian after a
night on the piss.
After the 37 mile walk to the ground, the tired and emaciated
players of the Madding Crowd cricket team unpacked their whites in a sports
pavilion with no showers, and very little else – in fact it looked like local
gypsies had stolen in and cleared the place of any merchandise or artefacts
that may have caused some polite interest. The nice blank wooden décor went
well with the garish white paint to leave you with the impression you were at a
doctor’s surgery. However, the pleasant banter with the arriving Cholsey outfit
reminded the players it was actually a cricket match and that they needn’t see
the nurse to ask what time their appointment was.
Acting skipper for the day, Mr. Hoskins, wandered out to the
middle with his Cholsey counterpart and watched as a coin was flipped into the
air. It splatted on the mud of the bowling track, and to his surprise, Cholsey
elected to bat first. Maybe they knew something about the art of cricket on
paddy fields, James mused?
The game got underway with the Mad restricted to just 10
players, as
Whilst wickets fell at the other end, Cholsey opener J
Gilbert nudged and flicked his way to a deserved half-century. And despite the
efforts of A Fisher (5-1-32-1) and T Smith (3-0-27-1), it was the introduction
of Cholsey all-rounder J Wilcox which saw the home side up the run rate. His
swishing blade left T Mander (3-0-29-1) nursing a bruising, and only a comical
run out prevented the Mad from any more punishment as Wilcox retreated to the
pavilion for a quick fire 42. Northerner Westmoreland was thrown the ball, and
to everyone’s delight he wrapped the Cholsey innings up with successive balls
to finish with figures of 1.3-0-8-2. Martin was on a hat-trick, and Cholsey
opener J Gilbert was left high and dry on 63 not out as his team posted 177.
Time for tea.
And what a fantastic selection of buffet on offer. There was
Edam cheese, Lancashire cheese, cheddar cheese, matured cheddar cheese, Irish
extra mature cheese, Canadian extra extra mature cheese, and er…….. other
cheeses too. So that’s a lot of cheese then? Excellent stuff Cholsey, well
done. The mass communication of who was preparing what worked a treat.
Fortunately cheese is a vegetarian aperitif – so the weak non-carnivorous
munchers amongst us could at least eat something. They could eat cheese too.
After finishing the varied diet on offer, fellow northerners,
and Mad openers for the day, I Howarth and M Westmoreland stuck on the pads and
wandered out to front the Mad reply. Not withstanding the fact the track was
extremely slow, Spam played an hour too soon, and watched the ball sail in the
air to the grateful hands of a Cholsey fielder – caught for 5 and the Mad were
12 for 1. He wandered past number three, A Fisher, and back to a hushed
pavilion, whence he sat in the decorative changing rooms alone to catch his
thoughts. He could hear a brief applause, a few claps a minute later, and then
a sizeable groan. The door to the changing rooms opened and in walked his
opening partner, Moo Boy, bowled by J Wilcox for 8, reducing the Mad to 24 for
2.
Spam: “What you doing
back here?”
Moo Boy: “Bowled in’t
thee. B*llocks.”
Spam: “Oh, dear……….”
As Martin set about removing his cricketing attire for a
pretend shower, another sizeable groan went up from outside the changing rooms.
The door banged open, and a less than impressed Mr. Smith entered the quarters.
Moo Boy: “What’s tha
doin’ in ere, Flash?”
Flash: “Bowled. Golden
ducking pluck!!”
Spam: “Oh, dear……….”
As
Flash: “You’re joking?”
Graham: “Caught. Out for
a golden. Wilcox got his hat-trick. Get forward they said……. so I did, and it
popped………”
Spam: “Oh, dear……….”
If all this commotion wasn’t bad enough, yet another
sizeable groan went up from outside. This time, the veritable figure of A
Fisher (5) entered the room, again he cut a forlorn figure.
Graham: “What you doing
back here, Ade?”
Ade: “Bowled.
Fortunately it was the guy at the other end. Still bowled though.”
Spam: “Oh, dear……….”
And as if in some surreal comedy, yet another collective
sigh went up outside – this time much lower in volume due to most the team
changing their kit in the changing rooms. The new entrant to join the ranks was
D Jones.
Ade: “You’ve gotta be
kidding?”
Dylan: “No………”
Ade: “Duck?”
Dylan: “Yes………”
Spam: “Oh, dear………”
Yep, the Mad had been reduced from 24 for 1 to 24 to 6 in
the space of less than 2 overs. Even with a tradition of spectacular collapses,
this one took the urine. Things improved marginally in the next few overs as A
Mann didn’t quite reach four and was out for 3, and M Bullock swished heartily
for a merry 6.
Captain J Hoskins walked to the crease with a rueful grin to
meet his comrade in arms, T Mander. He looked to the scoreboard and flinched at
the appalling sight of 43 for 8.
Pugwash: “My god…………….”
Doc: “It’s not clever to
be fair.”
Sporting a pair of reflective sunglasses, Hoskins danced
down the track and smacked the bowling of Richards back over his head for four.
Things were maybe looking up? The Doc joined in and pulled and nurdled his way
to the only double score of the Mad innings (13*), and the score took on the
scary proportions of 63. Which it where things came to a sudden conclusion due
to concrete foot movement and the captain bowled for 5.
The Cholsey team patted themselves on the back after a fine
win by 114 runs, and the Madding Crowd were left bemused as to quite how they
could bat so badly……..
If this performance was the remnants of a spiky tour
hangover, then please god let it be the last. In summation, the Mad were truly
bloody awful.
‘Spam’
Man of the Match: T
Mander for registering the only double figure score of the Mad innings!!
Buffet: T Mander
after one seriously painful over.
Champagne Moment:
Apart from alcohol removing any memory of this debacle, the champagne
moment went to Ade for his “athletic” run out.
Cast of Clowns:
Pugwash - J Hoskins
Moo Boy - M Westmoreland
Spam - I Howarth
Flash - T Smith